All the secrets you were wishing you would never find

What’s up party people?

“I was really tired. I was very weak. Somehow I found the energy to stay strong, I wanted it  really bad.”

Yes, yes I am still sick. And not sick as in awesome, sick as in sniveling, snorting and sneezing like the flu infested Chinese person I am right now. I have been anything but productive due to my ridiculously low energy levels, they are so low that I found myself on the verge of collapse as I was wandering around a shopping center yesterday. I have been sick before but I have never been this fatigued from nothing.

Naturally, this bout of flu led to inspiration for a new blog entry.

A lot of people work whilst under the influence….of the flu amongst other things. This is due to a myriad of reasons: money, commitment, not wanting to let their coworkers down, they happen to wake up at the establishment they work at etc. So for the first half of today’s entry, I just thought I’d write about a few of my own coping mechanisms when working whilst sick and hopefully they’ll help another poor chap get through his/her shift.

1) Know your limits

When someone is sick, naturally their physical strength is affected. You might not feel it as you go about day to day activities, but as soon as you try to push yourself the strain might be too much to bare. So keep in mind what you can and can’t do, don’t push yourself too hard and you should be able to get out of the workplace in one piece.

2) ASSISTANCE!

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, at least you’re still contributing as opposed to sitting on your ass and ignoring your in tray.

3) Let someone know

Don’t hide it and soldier on. That’s not noble, that’s negligent. Due to the fact that you are now a shadow of your healthy self, there might be some tasks you simply can’t do, and if you fail, that reflects badly upon yourself and whoever designated that task towards you. Attempt tasks you’re capable of doing, it’s that simple.

4) Stay hydrated

Eating too much will make you feel really heavy and sluggish. Drink a tonne of water and V..er…I mean water and you should be ok. Regular trips to the bathroom could also be quick pit stops if you need to recharge.

5) Rest

I’ve been sleeping for 10+ hours as of recently. When I’m not being productive, I’m sleeping. I feel surprisingly good for a sick person and am quickly skidding through the road to recovery. A simple tip, try asking your manager if you can split your usual break in two. The bonus rest is surprisingly helpful for the weary soul, body and mind.

I know, I know. None of them are very creative or new; but they work for me; and my job is done if at least one person finds them useful.

My blog isn’t all about boobs and dick jokes.

Shout out to everyone who has attempted to S their own D's...y'all sick folk

Anywho, on to the next one:

F*cking Sarah Marshall

This pains me to write as Kristen Bell is in my top 10 list of “Women in Hollywood I would bang and still call the next day.” With that being said, the character she portrays in Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one I would push off a cliff into a pack of ravenous vultures. Firstly, a quick film synopsis for all those who have not seen the movie:

“Peter (Jason Segel) is a composer and a likable sad sack who’s devastated when his girlfriend of five years, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell), the star of a cheesy CSI-style crime show, dumps him. He weeps, he rails, he mopes. Finally, his step-brother Brian suggests Hawaii, so Peter heads for a resort on Oahu where, as he’s checking in, he sees Sarah and her new beau, Aldous, a polymorphously perverse English rocker. The weeping and moping start again, until Peter is rescued by Rachel (Mila Kunis), a thoughtful hotel clerk who invites him to a luau and to hang out. Although he constantly runs into Sarah and Aldous, Peter starts to come alive again. Will Sarah realize what she’s lost, and what about Rachel (Source: IMDB)? ”

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of my favourite movies of all time; Segel’s portayal of a guy trying to get over a break up is just so raw to me. It feels like watching one of my bros trying to piece what remains of his life together after a break up with a bitch that made him feel inadequate. Anywho, Sarah Marshall dumps poor Peter using every awful non-comforting cliche in the book before admitting there was someone else.

Poor Peter (Editor’s note: Awesome alteration aye?) decides to take a trip to Hawaii in order to get his mind off his ex and lo and behold there she is with her new flame, a few weeks after their break up. As the movie progresses, we see Peter slowly recovering from the devastation and move on with his life with uber hot Mila Kunis and on the flipside we see Sarah Marshall’s new relationship deteriorate. Hi five for karma! We also learn that Sarah Marshall had been cheating on him for a whole GOD DAMNED year before she decided to finally end things with him.

Naturally, being the sadistic bitch she is, Sarah Marshall decides she wants her comforting ex back due to what an awesome guy she is. She seduces him by saying what all guys want their ex girlfriends to say to them:

“I’m sorry, it was all my fault”

After ten to fifteen seconds of oral sex; he realises: “HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING?!” and then leaves in order to confess to Mila Kunis.

Admittedly; Peter could’ve held off her advances. But dude, he refused felatio mid felatio. Do you guys know how hard that is for a man?!

So in summary:

Sarah Marshall is the bitch that dumped you; then realised that not every guy was as awesome as you; tries to get you back in anyway possible; sh*ts on your future prospects and winds up turning you back into the blubbering mess that you were after the first time she dumps you. She’s manipulative, sadistic, revels in your sadness and has a clamp on your nutsack like the crazy ass bitch she is.

KRISTEN BELL @_@

And that’s why I hypothetically hate her.

(Editor’s note: He would date her though. Call me Kristen, please call!)

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Fall in love with girls caught up with superficial glamor who dress like Sarah Jessica

What’s up party people?

“Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one interested in you.”

Banker, paleontologist, astronaut, author, super saiyan,  journalist, lawyer, crime prevention specialist.

Yes, at one point in my life or another, I have been actively seeking to be one of the careers I mentioned. There have been various reasons for each, as a kid I thought bankers had a tonne of money, and I’m not talking about investment bankers, I’m talking about guys who worked at branches who input special codes and disappeared behind ‘staff only’ doors. I wanted to be a paleontologist because dinosaurs were awesome, I wanted to be an astronaut cause I wanted to explore the infinite depths of space.

Then I got out of primary school and my career path shifted again.

I wanted to be an author because I wanted people to read my ideas and hopefully related, I wanted to be a super saiyan cause my power level would supposedly multiply by ten.

I wanted all these things and more.

But why?

Back in the day I would’ve said something along the lines of

“I just want to be successful.”

Isn’t success a by product though?

Isn’t success simply a by product of doing things right?

So regardless of whether I’m cashing cheques, digging up fossils,  discovering planets, writing novels, shooting kamehameha waves, breaking news, arguing in court or channelling Sherlock Holmes…is success simply doing my job well? By doing my job well, the zeroes will get added on to the end of my pay cheque.

And then the bitches will come.

It can be.

Anywho, on to the next one:

Why Sarah Jessica Parker (and the rest of the Sex and the City gang) is the epitome of everything wrong with women

Full disclosure, I have actually seen a few seasons of Sex and the City. There’s the occasional episode that makes me laugh, and I love how the writers of the show accurately depict some of the struggles that people, not just women go through in terms of parenthood, loneliness, isolation, fear of commitment and a host of other issues that plague the human condition.

I’m far from a feminist, but even I think that seeing women strut around the greatest city in the world (New York) and do what they like is empowering. The fact that all four of these women have respectable jobs, and are clearly intelligent, is awesome and the show is an early forerunner for every strong, indepedent woman in television and cinema.

With all that being said, I hope that there is never another movie released that bares the name Sex and the City.

The two movies released decided to crap on all the principles established in the show and decided instead to highlight all the negative aspects of women.

The sequel was easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve written about it extensively before, here’s a snippet:

“The protagonist, played by the horse named Sarah Jessica Parker is growing tired of her apparently boring married life. She does not want to become one of those ‘old’ couples that get take out and sit on the couch watching TV, she wants the ‘sparkle’ (Editor’s note: Believe me, he is not funny enough to have made any of that up) back in her relationship that she had back when she was younger, sometime back in the 1800s I believe.

All this bitterness and disappointment with her life eventually leads to her cheating on her husband, and after cheating, realising that hey, settled married life is actually kind of awesome.

ARE YOU FCUKING KIDDING ME? I’m physically young, but I’m tired of a young person’s lifestyle man, I want a settled relationship. I would LOVE a girl who likes a night in and doesn’t always want the flashing lights, I would LOVE a girl whose happy to get take out, I would LOVE a girl that understands that our professional lives are stressful and any sort of down time together is mother fcuking heaven with cherries on top.”

Don’t get me started about the host of other revelations made throughout the movie (Editor’s note: motherhood is hard?! SHOCKER)!

The four of them parade around Abu Dhabi, completely abandoning their jobs and responsibilities at home and proceed to drink, shop and f*ck around like adolescent teenagers with their parents’ credit cards. I’m all for having fun, believe me I get down like Rebecca Black on Friday, but you can not be nearing sixty and neglecting everything else just to kick it.

They're definitely fashion icons...they wear exactly what you guys shouldn't

Instead of preaching good values, they preach superficiality, materialism, negligence, racism and narcissism.

F*CK Y’ALL MAN.

I bet you really feel like sh*t right now

What’s up party people?

“Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. You are beautiful. You are sobeautiful. And you can be anything. You can be everything. Don’t hate everyone because someone broke your heart, Or because you parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you ,your father hit you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless.Do not concern yourself with things you can not control. Cry when you need to , then let go when it’s time. Don’t hang onto painful memories because your too afraid to forget. Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren’t worth remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do this over and over until you know what it really takes to love someone. Question things. Tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire.Share something wonderful. Meet new people. Make someone’s day. Follow your dreams. Live your life to its full potential. Just live dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and just fucking live. And one day, when your old, look back with no regrets.”

Pretty sure that might be the best opening ever on Part Boast, Part Confession. Obviously it’s not something I wrote, and admittedly there’s parts of it I don’t agree with, but it is pretty epic for a singular paragraph.

Now to get to the main course of what I wanted to discuss today. As some of you may know, I’m a bit of a geek. I enjoy my video games, I may not be the best at anything, but I enjoy the competition, and I enjoy watching professionals duke it out for prize money and bragging rights.

Did I just say professionals? You bet your big, fat ass that I said professionals.

I was having a discussion with my sister yesterday, and she was GOING IN about how she didn’t consider gaming a profession. Her opinion is probably shared by the majority of society who feel that gaming is a hobby, for children, and really just flashing lights on a TV/Computer screen.

Now, here’s my rebuttal.

There are two main schools of thoughts when it comes to deciding what you want to do for the rest of your life. Option one, go for the cash, cash always has importance. Money is status, money is power, money can buy you crispy ass suits. So do what you have to do to earn that pay cheque. Option two, do something that makes you happy, something you genuinely want to do so that can die satisfied.

So when it comes to gaming….well, it’s a mixture of both!

If I wanted to turn pro, I could make money via endorsements like a professional athlete, and if I win regularly, I can receive some pretty solid pay cheques. And there’s the fact that I’m genuinely enjoying what I’m doing. Some people think it’s unrealistic to push kids towards playing video games as a profession. But hey, if you’re kid is a good academic don’t you nudge them that way? If your kid has shown talents in arguing, don’t you whisper in their ear that law could be an option? If they are good with numbers tell them that accounting is a pretty good option.

If your kid has shown abilities with a joystick or a keyboard, why not?

There may be a stigma, but those people can shut the f*ck up when you show ‘em the money you’re earning. (Editor’s note: Justin Wong just won $10,000 for placing first at Mortal Kombat tournament. Wow).

They can shut the f*ck up when you tell them about the work ethic, the discipline, the resilience, the desire required to be competitive.

THEY CAN SHUT THE F*CK UP WHEN YOU TELL THEM YOU HAVE FANS AROUND THE WORLD.

Unrealistic? So is pushing your kid towards uni when the only thing he reads is Playboy.

Yeah, you know what it is.

No comment.

“I’ve always wanted to ask…what’s wrong with me?”

Man, how the hell are you supposed to respond to that?

Anywho, on to the next one:

Why I hate Adam Sandler in Just Go With It.

(Editor’s note: Spoiler heavy. It’s a crappy movie, but yeah, spoiler heavy).

This is the second in a series of indefinite posts where I just go IN on a movie character I dislike, have a problem with, and maybe, just maybe one I love if I’m feeling in a good mood.

One of my favourite Drake lyrics is something really simple, it goes:

“Silly mother f*cker I know. That was your bad, how could you pass up on him?”

So Adam Sandler, you’re one of the silliest mother f*ckers I know, that was your bad…how COULD YOU PASS UP ON BROOKLYN DECKER?!

Quick synopsis:

“On a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend.”

The assistant that accompanies him is played by Jennifer “I got dumped by Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie” Aniston. The entire movie is based upon the fact that she’s trying to help Sandler convince Brooklyn Decker that he’s actually a good guy. Aniston pretends to be his ex wife for goodness sake, but I’m not going to write about her, that’s a post for another day.

For three quarters of the movie Sandler is trying to get ahold of Decker. Then suddenly, he changes his mind after seeing Aniston in a bikini. Seriously, that’s the turning point.

Which is sweet right?

UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THAT THE MAIN REASON PEOPLE WENT TO SEE THIS MOVIE WAS FOR BROOKLYN IN A BIKINI, SERIOUSLY. LOOK:

Sandler proposes to Brooklyn, and he’s all set to marry her and the assets she would provide to any relationship.

Then suddenly backs out. Just like that. I know it’s a brainless romantic comedy designed for ugly girls to think they have a shot, but are you kidding me Adam? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Brooklyn doesn’t do a thing wrong the entire movie, she’s sweet, she’s caring, she’s considerate. AND SANDLER LEAVES HER AT THE ALTER FOR BRAD PITT/JOHN MAYER/GERARD BUTLER’S SLOPPY SECONDS.

G f*cking G.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Dear Summer, I know you’re gon’ miss me

What’s up party people?

“All I kept thinking about was her. I finally decided there were two things I could do; keep agonising over her…or just f*ck it and have fun.

And here I am having fun by once again posting on my blog. Yes, yes I did forget to post yesterday, obviously my millions of fans were in an uproar spamming my email inbox with hateful messages and writing mean posts on my Facebook. Or…no one noticed and I merely got to enjoy an extra day off from the rigours of writing blogs, you be the judge of what really happened.

I have a couple of shout outs to dish out so bare with me. First off, shout out to the UNSW timetabling Gods for finally giving me a decent one to cap off my final year of undergraduate study. Seriously, it was like having sex with the high school sl*t, I was in and out of there in five minutes and feeling rather good about myself.

Secondly, shout out to the random cute girl who decided to sit next to me on the bus to uni yesterday even though there tonnes of empty seats about. I needed the ego boost and you smelt like expensive perfume, so I’m guessing you wanted to flaunt it.

Mission accomplished.

Hurray for adult entertainment!

But she’s far far away

And I’d do anything just to see her face

But she’s far far away

Walk a thousand miles just to see her smile again

You should definitely cop Tyga’s new single featuring some Idol contestant from years back entitled Far Away. Definitely going to be a hit.

Anywho, on to the next one:

Why I hate Summer from (500) Days of Summer

 ”This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story. “

Ok this is the first in a series of indefinite posts where I just go IN on a movie character I dislike, have a problem with, and maybe, just maybe one I love if I’m feeling in a good mood. Trust me, this post is painful to write because Summer is portrayed by the lovely Zooey Deschanel (Editor’s note: Also referred to as the less sl*tty version of Katy Perry).

Quick synopsis about the movie for those who haven’t seen it:

An offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn’t believe true love exists, and the young man who falls for her.

(Editor’s note: There will be a tonne of  spoilers. If you haven’t seen the movie, go watch it, then come back).

Poor, poor Tom (played by my main man Joseph Gordon-Levitt) falls for Summer and she pretty much strings him along. In her defense, she tells him that she does not believe in true love, nor monogamy, and never explicitly states that they are in a relationship.

However, she also f*cks his brain out in the shower, engages in foreplay with him in Ikea, goes on a countless number of dates, meets his friends/sister etc etc.

As Tom rightfully says:

“Friends don’t have shower sex (Editor’s note: If there are any ladies who want to be friends with me and have shower sex…yes, YES!).

Massive spoiler alert: she ends up marrying some other guy towards the end of the movie after telling Tom SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE OR MARRIAGE. Admittedly, Tom tried very hard when he was with her, and when he was without her he tried even harder. Do you blame him though? One has two options when they fail, either give up or give it their all, he opted for the latter and Summer proceeded to take a massive deuce on his face (Editor’s note: Not literally).

She tries to give him comfort, tells him there’s another one out there etc.

The usual comforting BS that one can lift from any other romantic comedy, and yes I am well aware that (500) Days is supposed to be a romantic comedy.

Her defenders will say:

“SHE NEVER SAID THEY WERE A COUPLE! HE READ TOO MUCH INTO THINGS!”

Some things don’t need to be explicitly stated.

Parents love their child, they don’t need to reaffirm this on a daily basis.

Pizza will have cheese, you don’t have to tell the chef to put cheese on it after the sauce.

Asians are good at math…yeah.

Some things don’t need to be defined, or expressed aloud, they are implied.

Like when you f*ck his brain out in the shower, engages in foreplay with him in Ikea, goes on a countless number of dates, meets his friends/sister.

I don’t think he’s wrong to assume you’re his girlfriend.

THIS pretty much sums it up.

CASE CLOSED BITCH!

Until next time folks! Stay classy!