Almost doesn’t count

What’s up party people?

Hulk: You wanted to know my secret? I’m always angry.

- Two posts in the past two weeks? I know, I’m sorry about the lack of posts..or to the haters, you’re welcome. I haven’t been in the best frame of mind to write, been a bit burnt out because of my academic requirements and my lack of swag. I should be better than this, because I do this for the people, but as of right now I’m not.

- The other night, I did something only the most narcisisstic and most self absorbed would do. I went through my own Facebook Timeline and read what people used to write to me, oh and I went through some of my old blog posts as well. A few things jumped out at me immediately: I used to be a LOT nicer, my writing pieces from last year were a lot more insightful (Editor’s note: It’s been exactly one year since a very salty Isaac decided to put every girl who’s ever rejected a guy on blast, relive it HERE)  and relied less on punchlines.

- It was wrong from the beginning.  He probably should have known then this wasn’t meant to be. But knowing and accepting are two different things.

- I’ve noticed a lot of people deciding to give up blogging lately. There are a lot of valid reasons as to why one would give it all up: lack of passion, feel like they have nothing left to write about, perhaps they feel like they’re slowly transforming into twelve year old girls who only talk about how their day was and post photos of food or that they’re tired of putting themselves out there for the world to read about and dissect.

- Can you imagine listening to One Direction, the Wanted, Nicki Minaj and Carly Rae Jensen for ten straight hours? If you can, you’ve obviously visited the pits of Hell already but for those who can’t (or wouldn’t), check out this really entertaining piece by one of my favourite writers at Grantland.

- I have to admit, missing you will never be an issue, you can hold on to the cleenex, I won’t need a tissue.

- The previous line was something I wrote about a bitch that gave me problems last year. You can read it in its entirety HERE and either nod in appreciation or laugh at the uninentional comedy, go nuts.

- I still don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind to write right now. I’m phoning it in like Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2, you can so tell the dude was in that movie just to get a paycheque.

Not going to lie, I LOVED this scene in Spiderman. Shout out to Kirsten Dunst.

Though every situation is different, I should know how to adjust according to the context I’m in. Whether it be an exam, an interview or trying to seduce a supermodel.

I’m still working on Miranda Kerr as we speak, I poke that girl on Facebook like my life depends on it.

Anywho, on to the next one:

(Editor’s note: This is old material previously posted on his FB. It’s a look back at a time where it was a lot easier to cheer up Isaac, enjoy and feel free to send him abusive messages)

Yes, yes I am well aware that the frequency of my Facebook notes are way down in comparison to last year, hell they’re even down from last month. You must admit that the quality of them has risen significantly as the quantity has decreased. However as all my economist friends will know, with the quality of product having risen, demand is sure to as well.

And that is why I am here.

Yesterday, I had one of the best days on record. It had been a while since I’ve had a day that pleasant, and that got me thinking. It is rare that people genuinely appreciate happy moments as they’re occurring, usually it is only when someone reflects upon a particular day or moment that they realise how happy they were. And here I was, standing right in the middle of it, eyes closed and letting it all sink in.

Well, these are four moments that were like the Titanic. They sunk in.

(Editor’s note: This is going to be a LONG post, come on, its happiness).

4) Finding Mew ’10

Nineteen year old Isaac woke up feeling good. Not just sufficient sleep good, but so good that he felt like he could’ve walked out onto the street in a speedo and be considered a hero. Yes, yes he did feel that good. First thing he did, as all nineteen year olds do, was turn on his Nintendo DS and play Pokemon. He went online and searched valiantly for anyone who would be willing to give up a Mew. He had been doing that ever since he recommitted to his quest of becoming a Pokemon master, having a Mew would be a key step towards that ultimate goal. Then, he found someone. A good samaritan who understood the pursuit of Mew, Isaac quickly finished the transaction. And there it was, Mew. The 151st Pokemon was now under his control. The day ahead would seem that much better after that simple move.

3) Searching for you ’07

There’s always that one person you’lll have a soft spot for. For sixteen year old Isaac Lai, that person had set up camp in his heart and mind from an early age. He hadn’t heard from her in years but if she ever called for him, he would do whatever she wanted. Anything. It was an uneventful day, being his usual gung ho self, making jokes and playing horrible handball. He was having a conversation with an old friend, this is the transcript:

Friend: Hey Isaac, did you hear about *****

Isaac: No, what happened?

Friend: Well, i was talking to ****, and he told me that ***** isn’t doing too well. Apparently she’s really sick and suffering from Anorexia

Isaac: Oh

His heart sank. Isaac knew he had to speak to her and find out if she was ok.

Isaac raced home and began getting in touch with all her old friends as her old phone numbers no longer worked. Her friends told him that she had since moved and changed schools and that they hadn’t heard from her in a while. Isaac scoured social network sites looking for any sign of her, he was wrenched with worry, consumed by it. Eating became optional, and sleep a forgotten activity.He told his best friend about what had happened and she assisted Isaac This search stretched from a day, to two, to a week, to two. One day, out of sheer desperation Isaac tried MySpace, typing in her full name hoping for something. There she was. Well the name was her’s, the profile pic was her too. And she had hotted up.
Isaac sent her a message, to see if actually was her, he needed the verification. It was.

Isaac added her new email on MSN and they spoke for hours on end. It turns out that she had never been sick and that what he had heard were merely unfound rumours. She was once again a part of his life. Isaac was so happy that he spent the rest of the day listening and yelling out the lyrics to “This is Why I’m Hot.”

2) Uncle Isaac ’10
Nineteen year old Isaac was starting to stir. It was seven o’clock in the morning, almost midday considering who it was in bed. He quickly urged his body to wake up, willing it with every shred of mental strength he possessed. At last, his body rose. He reached for his phone to check the time and saw he had two messages. He read the first one, easily forgotten. The second one was from his sister, and it had a photo attached. The biggest smile of his life was starting to form on his face. There he was. His nephew Jordan had been born. The 28th of April 2010. A day that will forever make him smile.

1) The end of it all ’08

Euphoria: an emotional and mental state defined as a sense of great elation and well being. If there was ever a moment in my life that was euphoric, that moment was on the 13th of November 2008. I remember the two weeks leading up to my final exam (Editor’s note, there was a thirteen day gap between my last and second last exam) so clearly, i TRIED to study on a daily basis but i was quite distracted haha. I mean come on, i was on the brink of completing my high school career, i was on the verge of greatness, i was ready to commence world domination, the world was my oyster.

Perhaps my lack of focus can be attributed to the fact that Society & Culture was my best subject. I was the only male in KNHS history to top the subject and naturally that fed my already huge ego. Oh, and most people had finished by that point and were inviting me out to things, it was tough to remain motivated.

The day of the exam, i was pretty relaxed, i remember going to the school hall and asking my classmates which one of them was coming second behind me. My confidence was starting to manifest and evolve to the brink of arrogance (Editor’s note, i didnt know it then though). I had also intended to try and finish the exam within an hour, just for kicks. It took me over an hour but i had done it I had conquered the HSC, i pumped my fist, i popped my KNHS jersey, i glanced @ my classmates and gave them my trademark grin. And for the first time, i didnt leave the exam early, i stayed, savouring every second of my satisfaction, of accomplishment,of just fcuking absolute joy. Time was up, i got up slowly, totally composed. In other words, my shit was together. As soon as i stepped out of the hall, i let loose. I began yelling @ the sky, cussing out invisible adversaries, just flat out acting like a maniac, hugging my fellow S&C people. The enduring image of the day will be me, stripping off my beloved arm sleeve and flinging it onto the roof of the hall, where it remains to this day.

My legacy (and my arm sleeve) is all that remains at Kingsgrove North High School.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Where did we go wrong, what did we not see?

What’s up party people?

Isaac: Are we horrible?

TZ: Nah, we’re just genuinely….bad.

- Something I gotta tackle before I launch into the usual flurry of boob jokes. Unless you’ve been living between Kim Kardashian’s butt cheeks this past week, you’re probably aware of the fact that Diablo 3 is finally out. After twelve years of waiting, demon hunters can now rejoice at once again venturing into the pits of Hell to slay Satan’s spawn (Isaac’s note: I actually have no idea what you do in Diablo, I’ve never played before). So, it’s out and a lot of dudes have slinked into their man caves and have thrown their phones into their sock drawers to be rid of distractions. Girls? Well some are playing, but most are acting confused and wondering why not as many guys are liking their ‘funny’ statuses anymore (this phenomena deserves its own special post).

So they decide to put guys on blast by calling them immature and accusing them of being childish. I mean, its just a game right? Aren’t video games designed for pre-pubescent kids who have only ever touched the breasts of their own mothers? These guys don’t have their priorities right, they have better things to be doing, seriously, why aren’t they liking my status about how some guy was looking at me on a train?

Look…I can’t defend everyone, but here are some reasons I play games:

1) I love competing, everyone that knows me knows that I love to compete. Gaming is just one of my vices.

2) I don’t get to hang out with the guys as much anymore, sometimes beating the crap out of each other online is all I get.

3) Its an escape, I’m tired of listening to you complain so I’m going to hop online and complain about my character getting nerfed.

4) It’s cheaper to buy a game  for $60 that I’ll spend all year on as opposed to spending $60 JUST to watch a 3D movie with popcorn for one night.

Yeah, hold dat for me.

- The article about the girl suing her school cause she didn’t get into law killed me. It was just laden with unintentional comedy starting with the fact that her mother gave up chocolate fortune cookie making business to be able to support her child through school. Who’s EVER seen chocolate fortune cookies? Here’s the exact quote from the article:

She said she gave up her chocolate fortune cookie business – which she had expected to make $450,000 over three years – because her daughter moved from Geelong to live with her in New South Wales.

I’m Chinese and I’ve had maybe three fortune cookies in my whole life. I had on idea fortune cookies could be a lucrative endeavour. Man, amazing, absolutely amazing. Maybe I should sue my high school because they didn’t tell me that fortune cookies could make me rich.

- I’ve never understood why bigots referred to Indians as ‘Curries.’ Well, I get the reference but I don’t understand how that is insulting whatsoever. Curries are delicious, its like calling me fried rice. I wouldn’t be offended at all.

- THIS is still the greatest interview ever, I always liked Baby Spice but I think I’m feeling Posh a little more now. And yes, that is not the first mention of Spice Girls on this blog.

- Can someone please buy me THIS t-shirt?

 - Megan Fox (one of my top five white girls) recently took a shot at Scarlett Johannson (another one of my top five white girls) in the form of this comment:

“I don’t want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson— who I have nothing against,” she said. “But I don’t want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I’ve ever learned to prove, like, ‘Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.’

I think this should be settled by a jelly wrestling contest.

I’m not wearing any pants as I write this

Anywho, on to the next one:

Failing the HSC ’08

A little background before I let my trust omniscient narrator take over. I’ve been on record as saying that year twelve would have been one of the best years of my life if not for a little examination process known as the Higher School Certificate (HSC). For all my foreign buddies (and people who are looking for Megan Fox pictures) who are reading, the HSC is a series of exams that high school students undertake in order to see whether they have a future.

It’s a year full of turmoil, assessments and hormones. I’m going to speak for the people a bit, I think most people taking their HSCs have a moment. A moment of borderline insanity, depression and immediately start to wonder if this moment will derail their journey towards actuality. This moment then triggers the ever familiar: “F*ck, I’m going to fail the HSC.”

Me? I had a couple of those moments…

***

Moment #1

Seventeen year old Isaac watched plates of sushi pass him by. He had absolutely no appetite whatsoever, his best friend sat next to him watching him intensely. She wondered if he was going to start crying and make a scene, he was wondering whether it’d be possible to drown himself in the small plate of soy sauce he had poured for himself. Normally, he’d be eating his twelfth plate of sushi and laughing at the fact that his bestie had foolishly agreed to pay beforehand. Today? He had eaten two plates and had spent more time staring than gorging.

Friend: Are you ok?

Isaac: I f*cked up. I just hope…that I can recover before the HSC. Or I’m going to fail.

****

Moment #2

Teacher: Isaac, may I have a word with you?

Seventeen year old Isaac let his classmates file out of Ancient History ahead of him. Everyone in the class had just received the results of their latest trial examination, Isaac thought he had done reasonably well, but it appeared as though he was wrong judging by the expression upon his teacher’s face.

Teacher: Isaac….

Isaac: Yes Miss?

Isaac glanced at the test paper in his hand, sure it wasn’t the best mark…but it wasn’t that bad was it.

Teacher: You don’t write enough. You make a point, usually a good one, but you never back it up

Isaac: I prefer quality over quantity (Editor’s note: How hilarious is this to read four years later?)

Teacher: You need both

Isaac: I’m going to fail the HSC aren’t I?

***

Look, I’ve faced tougher academic tasks since the HSC but I would never want to repeat the experience. It was ridiculously taxing from a physical, mental AND emotional standpoint. I was given bad advice from all corners mostly due to the fact that people giving me the advice didn’t remember what it was like to be slugging through it. I didn’t fully comprehend the fact that EVERY single task mattered. I remember having a conversation with a friend in year seven that culminated in me saying:

Isaac: When the lights are on, I’ll perform

I didn’t realise the lights were on the entire time. Ah well, now I’m stuck working at McDonalds five days a week and don’t have any career aspirations whatsoever…

….

…

JUST KIDDING, I did reasonably well for someone that decided having a Spiderman movie marathon the night before my first exam was a good idea and now I’m one semester away from getting a Masters degree to add to my bachelors.

I guess the point is…

I forgot…

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Hey sexy lady

What’s up party people?

“Joe was devoted but not serious. Before the last road game of the season, star senior forward Rebecca Zacher realized she’d forgotten to pack her sports bra. Making matters worse, she was, in her words, “highly developed in the chest region.” Frantic, she called her father, who began driving home to pick up the bra. Then she quietly broke the news to Bryant. The next thing she knew, he was running around the hallway and locker room, shouting, “Tape, right now! Anything you got!” When Rebecca informed him that you couldn’t just wrap her in athletic tape like a mummy, Bryant mulled other possibilities. “Well,” he said, “can you just hold them in one arm and play with the other?” Even mortified, Rebecca couldn’t help laughing.”

- The anecdote that opened today’s post was a Sports Illustrated feature about Kobe Bryant & his dad. His dad coached a girls’ high school basketball team and hilarity ensued, read the entire feature HERE. There’s also a story about fourteen year old Kobe Bryant going to their practices that I found pretty hilarious, because anytime you have a dude nicknamed the Black Mamba and some high school girls…well, you know what it is.

- There have been a lot of weird moments this year…but nothing made me say ‘what the f*ck’ faster than when I heard Serena Williams’ rap song. Yeah, that sh*t exists. Listen to the minute of glorious unintentional comedy HERE. The Venus line killed me because she was probably thinking ‘man, people are going to be like Serena so smart when they hear this sh*t.’

- I don’t think I’ve shared a high level pick up technique lately so here’s one I came up with last week. The key is to use a vending machine with a girl nearby. You put your coins in, make your selection, take whatever comes out but leave the change in the machine. If it works out, the girl will bring you your change and you’re in there. If it doesn’t work out, you lose maybe 50c. Good times.

- Thanks to everyone who read my UNSW vs Macquarie entry, I did not expect that to be popular since I pretty much punched objectivity in the face. It turned out to be my most popular entry since I put myself on blast by writing why I sucked with girls (Editor’s note: For those that missed IT).

- Woooooooooooooooooot. Community got renewed for another season (albeit only half a season)! I was not expecting it to get a lifeline so I’m uber grateful. I’m still hoping for a solid six seasons, a movie, and definitely some porn spinoffs.

- Shout out to my boys at Gefilte Fish for everything they’ve done so far. Check them out on Facebook to see a very accurate review for the Avengers and my boy BJS’s opinion on what he feels are the top five comic adaptations of all time are. These are mine (in no particular order): Spiderman 2, The Dark Knight, X-Men 2, Iron Man and yes…the Avengers has already made the list.

- Most of the people that read my blog aren’t here to read my blog. They’re here because they typed in things like boobs and stumbled upon it. I wrote about Flo Rida’s new song ‘Whistle’ the other day and curious little twelve year olds hit the interwebs and searched for the song’s meaning and stumbled upon this domain too. Kids, if you’re reading this…please stop. You do not want to turn out like Uncle Isaac.

*Uncle Isaac not pictured

The Voice ’12

Contemplation was tattooed on the face of twenty one year old Isaac as he walked up the stairs of Macquarie University train station. The guy was deathly silent, trademark blue headphones blaring but Isaac was barely listening. No, he was having a debate inside his head. On the outside was a calm exterior, hair a little long but everything else looked smooth and accounted for. Look past the expression and there was a war zone burning on the inside, so many different priorities that needed to be handled.

“What should I do?”

“Will I have time?

“What’s she thinking?”

“F*ck…”

 He walked past a vending machine and then nearly lost his balance. However, it had nothing to do with the machine, but for the absolutely gorgeous physical specimen leaning against it. She did not notice Isaac’s lack of balance, she was too busy looking extremely hot. Isaac gulped, his inner war zone now erupting into a full fledged armada.

“Hey sexy.”

Isaac thought that to himself, he wondered why her eyes lingered on him as he left. Maybe she was checking him out? But if she was, why was she glaring at him the way he glared at kids who played music on their phones on public transport? And why were the high school girls walking in front of him cackling like crazy and taking turns at pointing at him and chuckling.

Isaac had said it out loud. That’s why.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Macquarie vs UNSW

What’s up party people?

I am fortunate to have many friends. Unfortunately for them (or fortunately for mankind if you’re one of those people who think I’m scum) I hate going out because I’m a hermit so I don’t see them very often. When I do bump into one though, the questions they throw at me are always along the lines of the following:

- How are the girls? (I hate this question with a passion because I usually have nothing positive to talk about)

- How’s Macquarie treating you?

Leading on from that second question comes the inevitable comparison question: “Do you like it more than UNSW?” I’m usually politically correct about it because I really don’t have a preference. I picked both institutions to house me and I don’t regret my decisions whatsoever. However, I thought I’d bring an end to that and actually come to a conclusive answer. At first glance, it seems like a mismatch. UNSW’s reputation is infinitely better than Macquarie’s, the ATAR requirements for its courses are generally harder to get in to and its UNSW vs Macquarie for f*ck’s sake. Objectively, it’s not a fair fight.

I’m not going to be objective though, I’m not going to be talking about rankings, I’m going to be talking about my own personal preferences and sexperiences. This is going to be biased as Hell and I ain’t shying away from that.

Ready? Y’all ain’t ready.

Here’s a funny picture to get you ready.

One of the saddest moments of my year so far was hearing rumours about Scarlett’s breast reduction surgery…and then realising it was true during The Avengers. This one’s for old time’s sake.

First Impressions

It was raining like crazy the first time I set foot on UNSW soil. I was there for one of those career fairs in year twelve because I had yet to develop a social life and thought university was a cool place to hang out on a Saturay. It was dark, wet and the campus was ridiculously large. However, it was love at first sight (I was in the law library most of the time) and I vowed to do everything I could to guarantee a spot at UNSW.

Macquarie? It was a spectacular Sydney day, there were cute girls everywhere I turned and everyone seemed so friendly. It was like I had infiltrated a Smurf village except there were Asian girls who didn’t know English in place of blue beings who were three apples tall. I played pool, saw a lot of my friends and thought to myself “wow, this place is really, really cool.”

So…I guess its a draw.

Internet

Some of the most harrowing times of my career at UNSW involved not having the internet. Honestly, the connection was terrible even in hot spots like the library. I just wanted to go on Facebook and post snarky comments about stupid people, its not like I was trying to download every season of Seinfeld.

Macquarie’s internet is Godlike, it has never failed me. Its slow at times, but its there. It’s like missionary sex, it’s not uber fast or satisfying but hey it’s still getting it in.

Macquarie wins this one easy.

Girls

To al my female friends who still think of me as a chivalrous, polite and considerate gentleman…please, please avert your eyes and skip to the next point of comparison. Everyone else, feast your eyes…

….cause that’s what I’ve been doing at Macquarie. Holy Jessica Biel’s ass, there are a tonne of hotties at Macquarie. I know I made it seem like Chinatown in my ‘first impressions’ section but believe me, its not. I have night classes so I get there when everyone is leaving, the hotties stream past me like a pseudo fashion parade. There was one time where I just stopped walking and soaked it all in, it was incredible.

UNSW? Well, there was always Hot Chick Wednesday. I don’t know why but it seemed like the finest physical specimens always rocked up to class in the middle of the week. Other than that, it was drier than the Northern Territory during summer, it was miraculous everytime I saw a girl I liked. At Macquarie, its just another one off the assembly line.

Macquarie up two – zero.

Convenience

On paper it SHOULD be Macquarie. I only need to take two trains from Strathfield and on paper I SHOULD arrive there in about half an hour. However life doesn’t play out on paper and I have been stranded at Epping station so frequently that I have gone through four books this semester in an attempt to kill time.

I was never once late for a class at UNSW, there are always trains to the city and the ever reliable 891 bus always took me to campus.

UNSW is on the board but still behind 2-1.

Staff

My legal team has advised me to be very cautious in writing the following. So I’m going to try and keep it as PG and PC as possible. I had some great teachers at UNSW, I mean you deserve a medal anytime you can get a kid who is allergic to math through a three year degree that has a statistics component. I’ve had tutors who have given me constructive advice, pointed me in the right direction and promptly reply to any pressing concerns I’ve had via email.

With all that being said, This SCREENSHOT sums up what I think about most of the staff I had interactions with during my time at UNSW.

At Macquarie, the only bad instance I’ve had with any of the staff is when one of my tutors said that the Chinese would eat anything, even bugs. And that was f*cking hilarious at the time.

3-1 Macquarie.

Teams

I love my current support group at Macquarie. I have an East Timorean lieutenant, a Colombian guy who cops cocaine jokes ever minute, a sorrority girl from LA, a chick from Nepal who makes mean dumplings, a Vietnamese guy who works for the government (and calls me player for some reason) and a number of dudes who butcher my name on a constant basis.

With all that being said, I would go to war with my DREAM TEAM from UNSW. The guys got me through Stats for Christ’s sake, do you realise how big of an achievement that is? We were in the trenches together, we fought crazy assessments, crazy tutors, crazy lecturers and random crazy people who tried to infiltrate our group. Three years of one of the worst programs at UNSW couldn’t bury us and we emerged triumphant. That’s a team right there.

3-2, still in Macquarie’s way.

Aesthetics

I fell in love with the Law Library a UNSW. The main library (though not the best looking) became a second home to me, the big ball on the main walkway was always a source of wonder, the Quad looked like a post card and the hidden lawn near Biomed was a place I loved to hang out.

Macquarie has a f*cking lake. With ducks. I did not make that up, the new library is amazing to look at, its a maze with random patches of forest and urban sections. This is tough.

Still 3-2 Macquarie.

Libraries

Yes, I’m a massive nerd to consider this an important factor but hear me out. I fell head over heels for UNSW as soon as I stepped into the law library. I thought the combination of purple and green was quirky as Hell kinda like how I’m secretly a black dude in a yellow body. As I’ve mentioned earlier, the main library became a second home for me. Out of the hundred assignments I did to get my degree, at least ninety seven of them were started/worked on/or finished in that library. It was where I did my best work…and it was where I finger banged that how Swedish exchange student (Editor’s note: This did not happen, he just wanted to make sure you guys were paying attention).

At Macquarie…well, the old library is allegedly haunted and is now boarded up. And the new library is kinda pretty, but there isn’t anywhere you can work privately and you can’t even get solid reception downstairs. Plus, its full of people who simply go there to use the internet to stream stupid shows like Gossip Girl and Revenge.

UNSW ties it up 3-3!

X-Factor

The food is way, way better at UNSW. I will never forget all the times I enjoyed the noodles from the Quad food court, I will never forget all the glorious kebabs I shared with my boy Spindaddy up in Matthews and I will never forget laughing at all the suckers who lined up for salad at Stockmarket.

Also, I will never forget my second day at Macquarie. I was walking to class when I suddenly spotted a large duck being followed by five ducklings. It was the most adorable thing ever, like something out of a children’s storybook teaching kids about the importance of family. Later that night, I was walking towards the train station when I suddenly saw two rabbits chasing each other around in circles. What other university offers two rabbits running around in circles?

Still all tied up…

Verdict

Oh look, its all tied up. I swear I did not rig this. Ummm…this is slightly embarrassing considering I intended to come up with an actual conclusion. I’ll leave it up to my friend who has also attended both institutions (he decided to just give me dot points because you know…its just a blog afterall):

“UNSW!

‘Cause:

- People are nicer and more friendly

- Friends are more long term

- Better food

- Its cleaner

- The campus is better and buildings aren’t cluttered and away from civilisation

- Location is easier to get to

- More cultural

Do I agree with everything he said? Not really, but I’ve written enough about it. Let me know what y’all think, I need to study.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Just put your lips together and come real close

What’s up party people?

“Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I’m gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go”

- I think everyone has heard Flo Rida’s newest song by now. It’s called Whistle (Editor’s note: Listen to it HERE) and upon hearing it, I declared it ‘the best song about blow jobs in the history of songs about blow jobs.’ Now…I know that’s a crazy statement because there are hundreds of songs about blow jobs. I know I’m not qualified to talk about this, so I decided to call my sister and here’s how it went:

Isaac: Hey sis, what do you think are the best songs about blow jobs?

Sister: What the f*ck?! Er…I guess that blow my whistle song, I’m busy.

Then she hung up.

So here are my top three:

3) Rather Get Some Head – Three Six Mafia (Yes, this song actually exists. Look it up)

2) Blow My Whistle/Suck on My Lollipop – Random DJs (I called my sister for a reason, I used to listen to my sister’s music when I was gaming and she had an unusually high number of songs about blow jobs. Take shots at my sister warily, she could beat the crap out of you even in her pregnant state).

1) Whistle – Flo Rida (Undeniably catchy, only negative point is that its a Flo Rida song).

- Did I really just write an entire paragraph about blow job songs? I don’t even….(Shout outs to Ling Ling)

- I’m writing this in class right now and there is exactly one uber attractive girl in the room….and eleven dudes. Naturally, I’m just sitting back and watching everyone try to establish eye contact with her. There are also some really cheesy lines on display that require a whole ‘nother post for me to give credit to. In fairness, she kinda looks like Audrey Tatou and has a really cute accent so everything makes sense.

- I f*cking LOVE Blake Griffin. HERE are ten reasons why.

- I actually have a lot of announcements to make but a lot of things are in the works. And yes, I actually do have a real life which involves me conversing with people away from the interwebz. Do any of the announcements have anything to do with my blogging? A little bit, long time readers may be able to connect the dots cause I am not exactly the master of subtlety…I’m just urging patience.

- I know you’re getting older, don’t have no time to waste
I shouldn’t be much longer but you shouldn’t have to wait
Can’t lose you, can’t help it, I’m so sorry, I’m so selfish

Yeah, I haven’t posted Drake lyrics in a while…I thought it was relevant ok?

- I watched Shame (starring Michael Fassbender & Carey Mulligan) the other night thinking I’d able to make at least a couple of jokes along the way. No bueno, I had no idea watching a movie about sex addiction would be that harrowing and nearly put me to sleep. For the record, I thought the idea was executed really poorly (pacing was terrible). The one good thing I got out of the movie was being able to call Fassbender Magneto throughout it. That’s it.

I know this poster might seem out of place…but how sick is the art?!

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Dodge ’12

Isaac: Hell no, I ain’t doing it if it’s not marked.

A frustrated twenty one year old Isaac yelled that out in the dark, the only source of light coming from the cigarettes being held by his fellow Masters class mates. They were discussing the hectic schedule they would have to conquer with their second degrees and Isaac was adamant. He would not do tasks that weren’t worth anything, they were a waste of time.

Isaac: I’m serious. Read the unit guide again, only the essay is marked, we can go to the front of class and start discussing hot dogs. Will not make a difference.

He had made his mind up. He would skip class and that would be it.

****

One week had passed and Isaac’s scheduled presentation time had come and gone. Isaac strut into class and sat in his usual seat and none of the tutors seemed to want to bring up his absence. It was class as per usual, three hours of mindless droning and Isaac fighting off the urge to drift off into Dreamland.

Half way through the class, a break was called allowing the smokers to go smoke, and everyone else to stretch their legs.

Immediately, one of the tutors trapped Isaac in his chair.

Tutor: Son, you were supposed to present last week.

Isaac: Oh right

Tutor: You’ll have to present some other time, I know it’s not worth anything, but you have to do it.

F*ck.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

You’re the only one that knows I lied

What’s up party people?

“Man work that sh*t
I’ll be out spending all this money while you sitting round
Wondering why it wasn’t you who came up from nothing
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I’m stunning”

- I’ve been so busy churning out fraudulent pieces  masterpieces that I didn’t even realise I exceeded the 750 post mark. Yes, there are now over 750 pieces of evidence that I officially have no life. Keep drinking that haterade guys, keep drinking that haterade. For the record though, I don’t give a f*ck about what you guys think. Isn’t that right everybody?

- Maroon 5 & Wiz Khalifa are one of the weirdest musical pairings ever. I mean..Payphone is a decent song but its still a weird combo, kind of like ice cream on toast. And yes I do endorse ice cream on toast.

- I drove my mother around for the first time this morning. She lasted about five minutes before she started sweating profusely and clutching the handle, keep in mind I was going at about 20km in a 50km zone. She was panicking so much to the point in which she would yell that there was a car approaching when they were 200m away, good times.

- Everytime someone asks me about girls (and this is often), I feel like THIS.

- I’m still really high on the Avengers (seriously, for those that missed what I wrote about it, I came up with a pitch perfect analogy of how it was like the first time I did the freaky business). I engaged in a mini marathon not too long ago but I wish I did what this BRO did. Sounds epic. BTW I collect movie tickets and I’m proud to say that I can remember exactly who I saw what movie with by simply glancing at the ticket. For the Marvel movies? I don’t even need a ticket.

- Sick trailer for the Dictator starring my boy Sacha Baron Cohen. He may be one of the funniest dudes ever, but I still don’t think he deserves Isla Fisher.

- I’m a fine women connoisseur as my long time readers will know, I probably spend too much time thinking about them but hey, it’s what you do when you love something. As a self proclaimed expert on all things boobtacular, there are still some things I have trouble understanding. I mentioned in a previous post that there are a lot of females that most guys find attractive that females find absolutely unattractive and in some case putrid e.g. Guys think Hilary Swank look like a man, girls like her. However, there are some girls that my hombres find hot that I do not. Here are some examples: Kat Dennings (I know she has boobs, but she looks like one of the Orcs from Lord of the Rings), Zooey Deschanel (this is deeply personal because I’m still salty over 500 days of Summer) and Jessica Alba. I’m kidding on that last one, just wanted to make sure y’all were paying attention.

Just because I rather play on my joystick than go out on weekends….that doesn’t mean I play for the other team right…?

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Choke ’12

Gracefully sidestepping a couple of unattractive girls, twenty one year old Isaac continued his stroll towards class. He was used to dodging the hordes as he was forced to attend night classes. This meant that he started class around the time everyone got to go home, and yes..he was very, very salty about the fact. Spinning around (Editor’s note: Ok, why does this read like ballet recital?) another pair of students, he looked down upon what he was wearing and grinned.

Prior to going to Macquarie, he contemplated buying a school hoodie to wear on days in which he couldn’t be bothered looking his usual best. Then, he went to New York and came across a piece of apparel much, much more fitting (Editor’s note: Picture HERE, if you don’t get it…you fail at life). He was five minutes away from his classroom when he noticed a girl staring at his chest.

The girl came to a halt.

Girl: Nice hoodie!

Isaac had no idea how to react, he was not prepared for this situation.

Isaac: T-t-t-t-thanks.

And he sped off towards class.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

One Tree Hill

What’s up party people?

“I love you, but I’ve chosen darkness”

First off, I have not chosen darkness because I mother f*cking light up whatever room I step in to. That’s one of the most memorable quotes ever uttered during the nine year tenure of what was once my favourite television show…yes, the wait is over, this is my special edition One Tree Hill post. So for everyone who does not like, does not know, or does not care about the show…close your tab now and go read a book or something because this is going to be a doozy.

As I said, during high school..the fact that this show was my favourite was undisputed. Sure, Dragon Ball Z is still my all time favourite, but OTH was there during the most agonising of my pubescent years. I rewatched all the seasons every summer holiday, I quoted it religiously like it was the new testament, Hell I even wanted to go to Duke like Nathan wanted to go to Duke. I was easily influenced by the show which seamlessly combined literature, basketball, drama (both teenage and adult) and hot girls. It was high school life the way I had imagined, not experience but imagined.

I loved the show, I downloaded every episode and burnt them all onto VCDs and lent them to my friends. Even now, if I’m ever lucky enough to sire a son, I will consider naming him Lucas or Nathan or Scott. The show guided me through so many different phases in my teenage life and I am grateful to the lessons imparted upon me (Editor’s note: One of his earliest ever entries was about how much the character Nathan influenced him, CLICK on it and be treated to one of the most cringe inducing things he’s ever written).

Then…somewhere along the line, it morphed into an absolute mess. I actually stopped watching at one point and even unliked its fanpage on Facebook (Editor’s note: How the Hell did he forget to add all this sh*t to his GAY LIST?). The show continued to move along even though the two main characters (Lucas & Peyton) left, and all we were left with was a platter of poop. However, I couldn’t resist returning to the fold when I heard that the American network that broadcasted it (The CW) mercifully brought an end to its nine year run. So once it ended for good, I spent nearly every waking night going through every single episode and trying to figure out where everything went wrong.

And here…we….go…

(BTW, This post is obviously going to be filled with a tonne of spoilers so if you’re one of the eight people in the entire world that still wants to watch One Tree Hill…I’d recommend skipping this one).

I know it has nothing to do with the show, but what the Hell man? That’s like going from a Ferrari Enzo to a used Toyota Camry. And by used, I mean USED.

1) Season five onwards peed on the success of its predecessors like R.Kelly does teenage girls. Look season four wasn’t the best either (Lucas’s ‘dream’ about the truth behind Keith’s shooting stands out as a particularly sore point, along with the incredibly stupid Psycho Derek storyline which was a very poor attempt to teach kids about internet safety); but the brilliance of OTH as I mentioned earlier was built upon the equilibrium of basketball, literature, hot girls and drama (teenage and adult). Then, they decided to remove the two best adult actors from the show in Karen (Lucas’s mom) and Coach Whitey. Look, One Tree Hill has never been about strong acting..I mean Chad Michael Murray was the lead for goodness sake, so the show had nowhere to go but down when they removed the best adult actors and the storylines surrounding them.

2) If season five peed on its successful past, then season six puked all over the carcass. This was the last season we had a hold of Pucas and Leyton and it was clear that everyone working on the show thought they were getting cancelled. Some of the lowlights from this season include Dan’s heart getting eaten by a dog (Editor’s note: I’m not kidding, it’s on Youtube), Nathan’s Mom hooking up with Skills (it was supposed to be funny, it wasn’t), Lindsey wasting everyone’s time (let’s be real, who thought Lucas WOULDN’T end up with Peyton), and Peyton & Lucas naming their daughter…Sawyer. Poor girl had to live the rest of her life as Sawyer Scott cause her parents were idiots.

3) Look, if One Tree Hill had ended after season six, I would’ve been fine with it. The season finale FELT like a grand finale; just look at the last five minutes of the episode, they wrapped EVERYTHING up and most of the main cast’s contacts expired, this should’ve been IT. Somehow though, the show was renewed for another season, this absolutely baffled me. The ratings for the show have never been good, but its fanbase is absolutely crazy (similar to Community). So they brought it back, and faced the mammoth task of trying to keep a show going without two of the three most important characters (remember, One Tree Hill started out as a show about two brothers who didn’t get along and one of the main reasons was because Lucas totally wanted to steal his little brother’s girlfriend).

4) So how did they go about it? Well, they made up another sister for Haley (Quinn, who was hot but really annoying), they introduced Nathan’s agent (a guy named Clay who really wasn’t entertaining at all and had more issues than any comic series you can think of), oh and they decided to make Jamie (the five year old son of Nathan and Haley) a centrepoint of way, way, WAY too many storylines. Think about it, this show had been going for six seasons, most of the fanbase was in their twenties and they decided to make a kid one of the catalysts of the show.

5) One of the main reasons One Tree Hill completely self destructed was that no one cared about the characters towards the end. They made solid supporting guys into headlining guys and it just didn’t work. Think about it like Evan Almighty (the failed spin off of Jim Carrey’s Bruce Almighty), he was awesome in a small role in the original movie…then you give him his own movie and you realise how obnoxious and annoying he was. Except, in the case of One Tree Hill, the fans were force fed three seasons of Mouth, Jamie, Alex, Millie,  Chase, Julian, Psycho Derek, Psycho Nanny and Psycho Sarah look-a-like.

6) Yeah, there were way too many ‘psycho’ storylines. It started to seem more like The Bold & The Beautiful than the show I grew up loving.

7) Before I forget…the writers knew that it was going to be tough to get anyone to watch season seven when they lost Lucas & Peyton. So they decided to bring back a couple of notorious fan favourites in Dan Scott (Murderer, car dealer, mayor, motivational speaker and sacrificial lamb) and Rachel (maxim covergirl, model, drug user and stripper)….and PAIRED THEM TOGETHER! On paper, it seems like a great idea. Take two of the biggest OTH villains and put them together…until you remember that Rachel is Nathan’s age and was there the in the building the day Dan shot his brother. Jesus.

8) Season 8. Oh lawdy, season 8. As I was watching all of it, I was taking notes on my phone everytime something annoyed me or stuck out as a bad piece of writing. Here’s what I came up with: Quinn & Clay in limbo floating around the hospital, too much Jamie, no basketball AT ALL, Chuck inexplicably getting more screen time (Chuck was Jamie’s elementary school friend) and the stupid superhero episode (Yes, this ACTUALLY happened) . Oh and that’s not even the worst part of season eight, the season was bad before each episode even started and this was because they DECIDED TO BUTCHER ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SONGS OF ALL TIME. The iconic theme of OTH was and always has been Gavin Degraw’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Be,’ they removed it in season seven because they decided to use their ‘darker’ intro and brought it back when they realised the show was simply stupid and not dark. However, instead of just bringing back the theme in its original glory…they decided to use a different cover for every episode. This would’ve been fine if every cover didn’t SUCK, the only decent cover was sung by the lovely Kate Voegele who only ever appeared on the show to promote herself.

9) One of the biggest gripes with season eight however wasn’t really about season eight. I recently got through the entire series of Friends, which was awesome, but I hated how they would feature a stupid clips show every season featuring old material. It was lazy writing and it pissed me off to no end. One Tree Hill decided to go that route and I hurled a remote control across the room, I knew the writers were out of ideas, but to mock us fans about how good the show used to be was despicable.

10) The best part about season 9 was the fact that it was the last one. You’re probably wondering why I bothered to watch every episode even though I clearly didn’t enjoy it. Firstly, I’m a masochist. Secondly, I really really hoped the writers would rediscover their magic somehow,  give me one last iconic episode to ride off into the sunset with. I was never given that, and you know how I mentioned the writers mocked the fans about the show’s former glory? They took that one step further in this season, here’s my synopsis:

“Nathan gets kidnapped and is eventually saved by his dad wielding a shotgun like some tryhard guy trying to get into the Expendables 2, Clay gets a serious sleepwalking condition because he forgot he had a son and subconsciously feels guilty about it, Brooke & Haley open a cafe and I don’t care about what everyone else does.”

I didn’t make any of that up, all of that ACTUALLY happened. Oh and Chad Michael Murray came back for one episode, not the finale, but one random episode so he could take Jamie out of state whilst Nathan was still being captured. Look, I love it when shows and movies bring back the old cast (think Fast 5ive), but the way they did it was terrible. They actually made him a worst character because it seemed like he didn’t care about anyone else in Tree Hill and that he had simply been ignoring everyone whilst he was away from the show.

Oh and Chad’s hair absolutely SUCKED (Image HERE)

11) The finale. Oh my God, the finale. Once again, let me remind you what One Tree Hill originally set out to be:

Set in the fictional small town of Tree Hill, NC, this teen-driven drama tells the story of two half brothers, who share a last name and nothing else. Brooding, blue-collar Lucas is a talented street-side basketball player, but his skills are appreciated only by his friends at the river court. Popular, affluent Nathan basks in the hero-worship of the town, as the star of his high school team. And both boys are the son of former college ball player, Dan Scott, whose long ago choice to abandon Lucas and his mother Karen, will haunt him long into his life with wife Deb, and their son Nathan. Until now, Dan has managed to keep his two sons far from each other. But the past and present collide sharply when Tree Hill’s basketball coach recruits Lucas for his team, much to the chagrin of Nathan and Daddy Dan. And the siblings natural rivalry only intensifies when they set their sights on the same girl, Peyton Sawyer. The residue of the past lingers far into the future for the residents of Tree Hill, even as a new generation is rising. Tree Hill follows the lives and loves of these two brothers, their friends and their family as they navigate high school, marriage, and finally…adulthood. 

Guess how many of those characters were actually in the finale? One, just Nathan and the sh*t sandwich cast that remained on the show. You’re telling me they couldn’t bring back everyone for one more episode? They brought back Chad Michael Murray for some crappy midseason episode then suddenly couldn’t afford him for the finale? It’s not like the original cast are suddenly A-listers, none of them were working on major motion pictures or regular cast members for anything.

The finale of One Tree Hill didn’t feel like a finale. Maybe because the real One Tree Hill had ended three years ago.

Watch the last five minutes of the season six finale again. I implore you…that was how it should have ended, and that is how I’ll remember it ended for the rest of time.

(Some of the things I did like about the new seasons: the episode centered around Clay & Sara the day she died (this is actually some of the best writing in the entire series until they decided to sh*t all over it with the crazy stalker storyline), Millie becoming a model (she was way too hot for Mouth btw), Quentin becoming a great source of comedy on the show, and Chad Michael Murray’s new haircut only because it makes me laugh everytime I think about it).

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly (Part II)

What’s up party people?

(Editor’s note: The following is a sequel to the job interview post published last week, It is HERE for those that missed it).

Legal Disclaimer: The following post is a sequel to special edition post about a follow up  job interview I recently attended. I am not allowed to divulge what company this was for as I signed a non-disclosure agreement, nor am I allowed to use real names or what facts about the company I was privy too. However, I’m still allowed to make jokes at the expense of anonymous dudes and dudettes so sit back, get sipping on a cup of your favourite caffeinated beverage and  enjoy the show.

Job interviews are fun times. Especially if you’re in there and don’t really want to work for the company that’s hiring, you can simply observe the behaviour of your fellow candidates because let’s face it, where else are you going to see such an odd assortment of people all in the one room? Nerves are high, people are scouting out their opponents and sizing them up, people are rehearsing cheesy answers in their heads…it really is a fun experience if you don’t care about the job at stake.

Last time, during the massive hiring event, I tried predicting who would make it into the next round. I was wrong about all my predictions except for one….wait for it….THE HOLLY VALANCE LOOKALIKE made it to the next round! I was standing in the waiting area and saw her walking towards me with a polite smile on her face and I nearly fell over and hit my head. Joining me for the more intimate group interview was the gayer version of Ricky Martin, one guy who looked like the dude from the World of Warcraft episode on South Park (Pictured HERE), another guy who looked like the most photogenic dude meme, one guy who I made friends with, myself and Holly Valance.

So let’s give everyone names before I launch into my stories.

Gayer Ricky Matin = Ricky

Holly Valance Lookalike = Holly

Most photogenic dude = Tracy (that’s a Pokemon reference)

The Guy I made friends with = Buddy

World of Warcraft Guy = Orc

And me!

Ready?

Did I apply for a job at a farm? You might found out soon.

1) The interview started with the interview conductor showing everyone how to work the really cool chairs we were sitting on. Completely adjustable, very comfortable and looked really, really cool. I guess it was an attempt to get everyone to calm down, it was either that or giving us all pot I guess. Holly asked if she could take one home, sadly she was definitely referring to the chair cause I tried establishing eye contact.

2) Prior to the interview, all candidates were sent a questionnaire that featured questions about us that we were required to complete. Questions on it included what you were currently doing with your time, why you would be a good addition to the company, the most significant person in your life (I was tempted to answer ‘myself’ but I opted for my nephew to get those sympathy points),  who you would like to meet and some other general things like what food & movies you liked.

3) The interviewer then asked all candidates who highlight one thing in their questionnaire they wanted to talk about, why they wanted to work for the  company, what they did with their lives and any prior experience in the workplace. I went fourth even though I had put my hand up to go first, second and third but Ricky, Tracy and my Buddy weren’t letting the Asian guy get it in.

4) The quotes people used were really, really good. Well, everyone except poor Orc who used a Ghandi quote that everyone’s probably heard at least 17,000 times (be the change you want to see in the world). I opted for a classic Michael Jordan quote: ”I’ve failed over and over again in my life, and that is why i succeed.” I then followed it up with this: Yeah, I know it’s pretty much a less cliched remix of learn from your mistakes. But I think what’s great about the quote is that Jordan tells you to learn from your failures, and the failures of others so you can take advantage of the information and make sure you put yourself in a succesful situation but avoiding pitfalls, obstacles and difficult circumstances that people have previously endured.” Yeah, I pulled that out of my ass and my buddy kicked my uber comfortable chair in acknowledgement of how badass I am.

5) Holly looked so, so fine.

6) My heart broke when she told everyone in the room that she had a boyfriend. BTW, in case you didn’t notice previously, it was five guys and her. The interviewer was also a dude so she looked like an angel hanging out in an internet cafe.

7) At one point, Ricky mentioned he considered trying out for My Kitchen Rules. His credibility completely vanished after that, he was already on thin ice since he had interpreted business casual as polo shirt, bright blue jeans and sneakers from the 1970s (for the people who care, I was stylin’ on fools. Blue shirt, stripey blue tie with a nice black vest and business-oriented jokes to suit the atmosphere).

8) Shout outs to Tracy who interrupted me during my monologue to get another bottle of water. Bottles of spring water were offered to us and everyone took at least one, no one ever refuses free stuff.

9) My buddy was awesome, he had obviously done the research and knew the company better than the interviewer. As he was speaking, I realised that the odds of me getting a position was pretty  close to zero so I decided I might as well just have fun during the remainder of the interview.

10) The interviewer barely made eye contact with any of us throughout the process. He was obviously taking notes on all of us, the only time he did look up was when the majestic Holly started her audition. She was mesmerising, and way more intelligent than I gave her credit for. I had forgotten that intelligence and good looks occasionally mixed, then I saw my own reflection and got a reminder.

11) Poor Orc went last. Now, sometimes that would be an advantage because you get to observe what everyone has said and you can adjust your little speech accordingly. The poor guy didn’t use his time productively and simply read of his questionnaire in an attempt to persuade the interviewer that he was the guy for the job. However, he mentioned that he had been fired during his previous tenure and his name was pretty much crossed off at that point.

12) Academically, I was the dude with the biggest guns in there.  However, I clearly started phoning it in after I realised I probably wasn’t going to get it. If you’ve been following, that would mean the only realistic contenders left were Holly, Tracy & Buddy.

13) The next step involved a little role play that required us to get into pairs. My buddy kicked my chair again which meant that we should team up, I was very tempted to deny him and instead make a move at Holly but decided against that.  During the exercise, I pretty much let my buddy dominate. I pretty much became a starfish and let him do all the work, and he put in WORK. He was so good. The two other pairs crapped the bed and their lack of expertise was clearly exposed.

14) As the interview was winding up, the interviewer pretty much prepared us for rejection and urged us to re-apply if we were unsuccessful. It felt like one of the crappy rejection speeches that hot girls dish out when they don’t really care about the guy that approached them, and believe me I’m a definite expert in that field.

15) Everyone left together. As I approached the exit, I realised I really, really needed to pee (as did Buddy & Orc). Orc apparently needed to pee…and he asked Holly if she wanted to come with us. I completely lost my sh*t (not literally), even though he was clearly innocent of propositioning her, it was still absolutely hilarious to see that he had invited a smoking hot girl to go to the bathroom with us.

And that was that, I find out next week whether I was successful. Personally, I’m sure I’m not going to make it into the next round. Buddy HAS to get it because he was clearly on another level compared to the rest of us, followed by Holly cause she’s a Goddess…and I guess me if they get really, really desperate.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

In the Club

What’s up party people?

“ There is no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top! Maybe your army will come, maybe it’s too much for us, but it’s all on you! Becase if we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damn sure we’ll avenge it.”

- My experience of watching the Avengers was a lot like losing my virginity. I had been looking forward to it for a long time, there was a tonne of build up, I told a lot of friends that it was finally going to happen, I figured it was going to be awesome but I was already to be disappointed. Then it happened, but instead of lasting 45 seconds and erupting, I had a  two hour long nerdgasm. Oh and it was a lot funnier than I had initially expected it to be…the only key difference between the movie and my coming (Editor’s note: Pun totally intended) of age was that there was a lot more action in the movie.

(Editor’s note: My friend wrote a killer review that summed up exactly how I feel about it. I was going to write one as well except mine would be a lot less succinct and would require me to criticise my third wife Scarlett Johannson. So just read HIS, if you’re still on the fence about watching it)

- You know what? F*ck it, I am going to talk s’more about it. It was amazing, it was the best Action movie I’ve seen since the original Transformers and it was the funniest movie I’ve seen since The Hangover. For comparison’s sake, I lost my sh*t maybe half a dozen times during American Reunion, I completely lost my sh*t at least every ten minutes during the Avengers. It was the perfect blend of action, comedy and drama.

- Shout out to a couple of classmates looking up porn as my lecturer is talking about how technology has come such a long way. It’s a beautiful portrait.

In today's class, I learnt that I am the biggest fraud ever with a distinction average

Anywho, on to the next one:

A long time ago (Editor’s note: About two years) during one of my rare moments of wisdom (Editor’s note: Only moment of wisdom); I accurately described to a friend as to why I was not a fan of clubbing (Editor’s note: Because he’s got about as much game as Dreamcast these days. Sorry, I’ve been absent from most of Isaac’s recent posts because he’s grown increasingly more sensitive or bitchlike as I like to say). I’m not claustrophobic, but I’m not a fan of accidentally brushing against really sweaty, booze filled dudes who mistake my lean figure to be that of a girl’s. I’m not a fan of watching cousins grind against each other (this happened the very first time I went to a club, shout outs to Bamboo), I’m not fan of being charged seven dollars for normal Red Bull, I’m not a fan of girls who spend hours on end making themselves look presentable by applying layers upon layers upon layers upon layers of clothing on themselves just so they can snowboard…wait, I seem to have confused myself. I actually love girls who learn that less is more when it comes to clubbing dresses.

Anywho, I’ve already retired the skinny tie, and there are tonnes of things I rather partake in than clubbing during the weekend. Here’s that list (and it’s ever expanding like the US budget deficit):

1) Go hit random people with wooden clubs

2) Continue working on becoming the best Street Fighter X Tekken player in my hometown

3) Babysit my nephew (I went to his second birthday party last week and we ran around the room until he puked his dinner out. Easily one of my favourite moments of the year).

4) Sit in coffee shops & tell people I’m working on my novel

5) Play poker with the guys and continue adding to my debts

6) Work on my endless pile of assessments. Seriously, that’s ever expanding like Jessica Simpson’s waistline.

7) Ride on public transport with some schoolgirl’s phone speakers on full blast. It really isn’t that different.

8) Drink copious amounts of drinks with excess sugar and caffeine and flirt with cute looking unicorns.

9) Have dinner a a truly terrible restaurant and still wonder what the appropriate amount to tip is

10) Watch Zac Efron movies.

11) Have my clothes tailored whilst I’m still wearing them

12) Go to a high school disco. Again, it really isn’t that different except the dudes are infinitely more dorky hence it raises the unintentional comedy level.

13) Sit through an Economics lecture as my friends sitting next to me look at porn

14) Attend a One Direction concert. Again, not that different from clubbing since most clubs have an abundance of under age girls anyway. Except its reasonably safe to assume that any girl at a One Direction concert has yet to have sipper on alcohol legally.

15) Write a 15,000 word paper that requires me to use a statistics processing program (Editor’s note: I know that Isaac would consider poisoning himself if he was ever faced with either clubbing or a task like that).

16) Get dunked on by a Backstreet Boy

17) Go to karaoke with Adele and sit in the corner as she hogs the mic. WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLLLL

18) Listen to a girl talk about make up.

19) Walk in the rain as if I’m an extra in a Green Day video

20) Watch the Charlotte Bobcats play

21) Do my mother’s laundry

22) Play paintball without a cup

23) Come to the realisation that I am a twenty one year old man who has an infinite number of  ways to enjoy a weekend without having to pay to enter a small, enclosed space that blasts Pitbull songs at regular intervals.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

What’s up party people?

Legal Disclaimer: The following post is a special edition post about a job interview I recently attended. I am not allowed to divulge what company this was for as I signed a non-disclosure agreement, nor am I allowed to use real names or what facts about the company I was privy too. However, I’m still allowed to make jokes at the expense of anonymous dudes and dudettes so sit back, get sipping on a cup of your favourite caffeinated beverage and  enjoy the show.

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I’ve attended a number of job interviews in my life, my most recent one being the one where I walked off the street into the cinema and blitzed the manager with my charm and ended up starting my tenure the next day. Recently, I decided to come out of retirement (albeit reluctantly) and attend a hiring event hosted by a rather large company. I got through the initial phone interview and was expecting an intimate group interview…I was wrong, I arrived at the location and saw about twenty five other dudes all gunning for the same position.

Most people would probably start to feel nervous and maybe lose hope. Me? I started smiling like Jack Nicolson in The Shining. This was because it was such a diverse group; we had people of all ages, all nationalities, and intellectually…but I didn’t know that part yet.

So…because there was so much that happened during this two hour interview, this entire entry will be devoted its most memorable moments as decided by yours truly.

Enjoy.

I may or may not have had unprotected sex on a couch during the interview (Editor's note: HAH!)

1) There was a guy who looked like an even gayer version of Ricky Martin (with a hilarious South American accent), and a girl who looked like Holly Valance at her absolute apex. Naturally, I stuttered a lot during the interview and it had absolutely nothing to do with nerves and more to do with the fact that my teeth started vibrating everytime she looked at me.

2) There were four dudes with the exact same name. One Indian guy even got a joke out of it by introducing himself as that name and pretty much crapping all over the foursome’s shot at securing another interview.

3) There was another dude who was wearing rainbow socks and he had the most epic ponytail I’ve ever seen outside the Melbourne Cup. It was amazing, I was half expecting him to swat flies out of the air with that bad boy.

4) One of the interview questions was which two animals would you be and why. Naturally, a large majority of the people in attendance decided to copy each other and the most common answers were wolves, cats, chameleons and birds. I decided to opt for a frog (because they can be chilled and survey their situations whilst on their little lily pads..but they can become hyperactive and leap their ways out of trouble if need be) and I opted for a wolf as well because I had something cheesy planned (because they’re fierce and tough when alone, but even better in a pack). With the frog thing, I was tempted to make a princess joke but all the jokes people had come up with so far had been met with nothing but silence and confused looks.

5) One of  the dudes said he wanted to be a dragon, but not any dragon, an Asian dragon. Have I mentioned that I fought off the urge to burst into laughter at least thirty seven times?

6) There was a relatively young female in attendance who claimed to be a practicing divorce lawyer. She spoke…maybe five or six times, and the word ‘stab’ was used each time.

7) At one point, the person conducting the interview stared at the guy with the spectacular ponytail and asked if they had met before. He quickly denied it, but then the conductor said that she recognised him from last year’s interview. Again, I had to pretty much stuff my fist into my mouth to prevent the torrential pour of laughter.

8) More on dress sense, all the girls looked very professional and business oriented. The dudes? Not so much. We had many hoodies, one singlet worn by the Asian dragon guy, a few t-shirts, some cardigans and one absolutely sickening stripey tie that looked like it came from the set of a really bad 80s movie. Me? I looked fly as Hell in a button up shirt, black V-neck sweater, grey dress pants and shoes so shiny that you could see your reflection in them.

9) Before I forget, I was really early for my interview and spent some time wandering around before going in. I bumped into a couple of my friends and asked them what they were up to, they proceeded to tell me that they were celebrating their four year anniversary. Holy sh*t!

10) I know for a fact that at least seven people (who were unlikely to make it into the next round) started pocketing random stuff from the room into their bags. Several pens were taken from their homes, it was not a good day for many.

11) There was one female who clearly was on the brink of murdering her current co-workers. She put them on blast everytime she could and then told the room that one of them had recommended she find a new job. I don’t think she realised what had happened to her….I still don’t think she knows.

12) Two were there just because they knew people in the company. One was the Ricky Martin guy who could barely speak English, and the other was the murderous chick. Shout outs to nepotism for potentially robbing more deserving candidates of jobs.

13) I made one of the only successful jokes of the day (successful defined as people actually laughing) and it involved Charlize Theron. And yep, I’m not allowed to tell you what it was.

14) OH MY GOSH, I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this guy earlier. Let’s call him the money guy, the money guy kept asking about what his pay would be like, how much he needed a quick influx of cash, how much they were currently paying their child labourers etc. Ok, I made that last one up, but the dude was obnoxious as Hell and his maroon t-shirt pissed me off because it reminded me of high school.

15) There was an older lady there that nearly put everyone to sleep after her introduction. Her introduction was longer than the following things: The entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, John Howard’s reign as prime minister of Australia, the entire Friends series, how long it takes a girl to get ready etc.

16) The Asian Dragon guy really didn’t look that interested in getting a job. He spent half the time hitting on a Japanese girl sitting near him that didn’t seem to know much English, I was sitting right next to them and I would’ve watched him hit on her for three more hours.

17) Did I mention that the Holly Valance lookalike bit her lip when she looked at me one time, man oh man.

18) I did make one friend during the interview, and I use the term friend loosely. Every time something humorous happened (this was often), I would look over at him immediately and he would try his best not to explode into a fit of giggles.

19) There was no food or drink. The one fat person in attendance was mysteriously quiet throughout the entire interview, I blame lack of sustenance for their crappy performance.

20) Oh I forgot to write about people’s academic qualifications and my goodness it was a weird bunch. We had a couple of people with law degrees including Ms Stab, we had a couple of people with Master’s degrees (and yes, I’m including myself in the duo), a few commerce folk (of course), I think four or five engineers, one dude who did Arts who immediately crapped his pants when he realised he was the least qualified guy there, the Arts guy redeemed himself though because he looked like Kieran Culkin in Home Alone. Everyone else were either still studying or did things too boring for me to remember.

21) Towards the end of the interview, the conductor told everyone that successful applicants would need to undergo Australian Federal Police background checks. I glanced around the room and immediately saw some people looking shifty and already thinking about where else they can apply for work. You can not make this stuff up.

22) We left the interview room and I was talking to my friend about his chances. He said he didn’t feel like he had spoken enough so he turned around and went back into the room to get some one on one time with the interviewer. What a clever man.

23) The interviewer said we’d know within 24 hours if we had advanced to the next round, after that we would be called in for individual interviews and they would conduct their background checks etc. I personally felt that I performed horrible, I barely spoke and was way too distracted by all the comedic things happening. I mean, I spent a solid fifteen seconds wondering if the dude with the ponytail would swerve his head and whack me in the mouth with his majestic hair. I personally would’ve hired the lawyer girl (even though she said stab a lot, she was good), the Asian dragon guy (because every office needs a guy like that), this Indian guy who said he’d be a chameleon (seemed really smart and slick, I liked him) and the Holly Valance Girl (I don’t remember a single thing she said other than something about being blonde). I would not have hired me.

So naturally, I received an email a few hours later saying I had progressed to the next round.

Yay?

Until next time folks! Stay classy!