What’s up party people?
“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty… you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”
I know, I know. Many of you are clamouring for more flashbacks, because it provides more insight about how I became so f*cked up. Unfortunately, I’m still working on some memories so today’s entry will be another one based on a topic that I know well enough. So well that I can spend about one thousand words talking about how well I know it. Aspects such as the nuances, the subtle art, the almost poetic nature one assumes when in the act.
Obviously, I am referring to the art of scouting. Also known as checking out girls, and being a pervert.
Am I doing this?
You bet your saggy ass I’m doing this
(Editor’s note: He had a massive internal debate about whether or not he should write this. On the one hand, it would be wickedly entertaining to write and it would help level up guys all over. On the other hand, he would come off as ridiculously creepy, lonely and the epitome of the worst type of single guy. When you can come off as someone like that, you just have to do it I guess).
He would later go on to be a very prominent celebrity
First off, just some general pointers:
- Unless you’re under the age of 18 (Editor’s note: Dear minor, I recommend you discontinue reading this blog as the odds of you ending up as a twenty one year old still living at home increases exponentially if you follow any advice posted on this site. You’re welcome) avoid scouting anywhere near schools or popular teenage hang outs such as arcades and Jay Jays. Also be particularly wary when scouting for girls during the school holidays, especially if you’re really bad at identifying someone’s age without staring at their IDs.
- I don’t know from personal experience, but apparently alcohol has a massive effect on your perception. Scouting when drunk could be very, very dangerous. Be warned bros.
Ok, on to specifics. Starting with:
1) Your Own Appearance
Sunglasses are your best friend. They hide what you’re admiring and well…they’re cool. However, they are pretty much a post it note saying that you’re a douchebag if you’re wearing them indoors; but it’s ok if you’re making a quick transition from the outdoors and into a lobby elevator or something. Oh and I don’t care how cool you think your moustache and goatee look, the odds are that it looks like a raccoon on your face. Consider the fact that even Brad Pitt can’t even pull off facial hair, even though he’s probably one of the best looking dudes ever (Editor’s note: Add that line to the gay list).
2) Etiquette
(Ignore this if you’re wearing a pair of sunglasses)
Girls aren’t stupid. Well, sometimes but let’s just say they’re not in this situation, they can tell when someone is making googly eyes at their nipples. Or if they’re making names for their legs, or if they’re imagining them naked…it’s like Spiderman’s Spidey sense…except only girls have it. Over the years, I’ve come up with a few strategies to get out of hairy situations.
- If a girl exposes you in the act of you admiring her beauty (and honestly, shouldn’t she take it as a compliment) raise your arm as if you’re waving to someone behind her, then you run as soon as she turns around to look at what a pervert’s friend looks like.
- Again, if you’re exposed; nod a lot like you’ve suddenly got an idea and pretend to take a note of it on your phone. Better yet, pull out a pen and begin scribing hastily, then look EXACTLY at what you were looking before and repeat the process.
- If you’re with a friend, look at them and yell something along the lines of: “FUCK, I JUST CAN’T DO IT” then put your head in your hands and feign crying (Editor’s note: In theory, this could be followed up with a sympathy play. Try it).
I know those three strategies sound foolproof, but honestly don’t stare. Take fleeting glances often, and if you’re caught, give them a small smile and look away shyly. Or, if you’re less feminine than me, give them a big ass grin and walk right up to them whilst turning your swag on.
Also, don’t lick your lips, wolf whistle, bare all your teeth or start making rude gestures with your hands.
(Isaac’s note: Sidebar, I’ve always told my friends that I want to do the following: walk up to a girl who’s clearly in a relationship, give her a wink, then slide my a sheet of paper with my phone number on it into her hand and saying something like: ‘Call me if you ever want an upgrade.” Yeah, I know…I have too much time on my hands).
3) Places
Worst places to scout girls: Hospitals, near cemetaries (unless you have game like Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers), schools (again, unless you’re a minor or really like Sailor Moon), poorly lit places like clubs and bars (especially if you’re drunk and can’t tell a 2 from a 10).
Best places to scout girls: Public transport, elevators (one of my favourite jokes ever: Sex on an elevator is wrong on so many levels), near gyms with a high female population. About that last one, I find girls in sweat pants and gym gear really, really sexy for some reason. It also shows that they’ve got a work ethic and trying to improve upon what they have, those are good signs.
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And….I’m going to wrap it up with some more general stuff:
- Some girls like the attention, some girls don’t Respect their personal space….or, proceed to put your stunner shades on and enjoy the view (and nope, not referring to the Whoopi Goldberg show).
- Peripheral vision was designed for you to appear nonchalant. Combined with sunglasses, it is a potent combination like vodka and redbull, like Batman and Robin, like Michael Jordan & Scottie Pippen, like Tim & Tam, like Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen, like a burger and fries, like McNuggets and sweet & sour sauce, like wedges with sour cream, like frozen yogurt with mochi, like a v-neck sweater with a collared shirt, like…..yep, I’m done for now.
- Look, I know I’ve pretty much killed all my chances of maintain a relationship this year. I don’t care, I’m the people’s champ. However, I want you guys to understand something before I sign out. Not every guy scoping for talent has good attentions, they might be unaware that they’re even doing it, perhaps they really are just genuine perverts that are after fresh meat. Then again…we’ve all seen movies where two people establish eye contact, their worlds stop, everything starts moving in slow motion and seeds of an epic romance are planted.
I know, they’re just movies.
But dude, haven’t we learnt that fact is way, way stranger than fiction. And also…fiction is based on some sort of fact.
So you never know, that gorgeous girl with lovely eyes, dimples and a magnificent rack could be my wife someday.
….yeah probably not.
Until next time folks! Stay classy!
