What’s up party people?
Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone’s thinking of me
And loving me tonight
Somewhere out there
Somone’s saying a prayer
That we’ll find one another
In that big somewhere out there
Warning; the following might be one of the most fraudulent pieces of writing you will ever witness in your life. I am going to attempt to write about something I’ve only experienced fleetingly a very, very long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I’m going to talk about the time I channeled the force whilst in my X-Wing and used it to blow up the Empire’s Death Star. Just kidding, though it may seem apparent to everyone that I am the hero from Star Wars, I am not.
I’m going to talk about something I’m even more unqualified to talk about. Relationships, relationships in a romantic sense. This is going to be more fraudulent than Nicki Minaj teaching you how to speak in a British accent, this is going to be more fraudulent than Seth Rogen teaching you how to not be Seth Rogen, this is going to be more fraudulent than Tiger Woods teaching a course on how to be faithful in relationships, this is going to be more fraudulent than Michael Jordan teaching you how to suck, this is going to be more fraudulent than mother f*cking Isaac writing about how relationships are great.
Ok, here’s my relationship resume:
***
Yep, those three asterix sum up my experience levels. I am a lot more qualified to write about rejection (because I’ve been on that end way too many times), how to NOT get girls (again, been there), and what size boobs are most ideal for any one man (don’t rule this out, the possibility of me writing that is 50/50).
In all seriousness, some of the best memories of my life occurred when I wasn’t a single man. Very few things in the world can rival the passion, romance, care and genuine emotion one encounters in a true relationship. Those were good times and I never look back in anger (Editor’s note: Shout out to Oasis). I know I may be the guy who remembers the date of his rejections (Editor’s note: He does not remember a single anniversary) but believe me when I say that I may not be the quintessential relationship guy…I am still the best writer in my household, so shut up and read.
1) Gifts
I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone yesterday. Asked her a very simple question:
Isaac: So what are some of the best things about being in a relationship?
Friend: Gifts…er…
I applaud her for her honesty (Editor’s note: She said some other stuff but meh). And it’s true, in a relationship there are so many instances where you or your significant other have the chance to express your love for each other via presents. Anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, 100/300 days together (if you’re Korean), Valentine’s Day etc etc. One of my ex girlfriends randomly bought me a t-shirt because she was wandering around the city and thought that I would like it. She was right, good times.
2) Regular Sex
Let me draw from Childish Gambino:
“I miss the sex when you kiss whenever you through, sixty nine is the only dinner for two.”
Look, I don’t care how many girls try to pretend, sex is mutually beneficial for both genders if done right. A lot of times, we go on weekend hoping to do the nasty with someone who feels the same way (even if it takes them three jager bombs to get to that point). When you’re in a relationship, you get to practice, improve your game and enjoy the results together. You learn what the other person likes, whether it’s a timing thing or a certain area (Editor’s note: This is highly edited, the first draft was so dirty that several maid services were called in an attempt to clean it up) you should work on.
I’m too afraid to write more in this section because the odds of me dropping a really heinous jizz joke are very high right now. Let’s move on.
3) Dates
Though I am well aware that there is a difference between being single and lonely, some don’t. That’s why some people jump into relationships, to fight that feeling of being isolated in this big bad world which boasts a population of about 7 billion people. I get it, sometimes it does suck being lonely, especially when your closest friends are hosting Couple Bash 2012 and you can’t go because the only way you can get a date is by ripping a page out of a calendar.
When you’re in a relationship, a trip to the movies, a picnic, a quick shopping day, relaxing session at home is a phone call/text message/Skype call/smoke signal away.
Single advocates are raising their eyebrows and going:
“Pshhh fraud, I can call a friend and we can do all those things too!”
And they’re right. However, your friends are awesome (so are you, but stop thinking about you for a second), if you can see that they’re awesome, the odds of someone else seeing them that way as well are high. And those people will want to see your friend naked, so the time they have to spend with you will eventually decrease, believe me, I found this out the hard way many times over the years,
And besides….having your girlfriend over to watch a movie is good times. Swag. Read into that however you want to.
Photoshop is cheaper than a girlfriend. Ok ok, no more cheap shots.
4) Life Sucks….sometimes
I love my life. As of right now, everything is going according to plan and I don’t really have anything to complain about. However, that isn’t always the case and getting a hold of a therapist to talk about my issues is expensive. I have a lot of internal conversations but talking to yourself is apparently a sign of insanity, so sometimes you really, really need someone else to converse with.
However, as I mentioned before, your friends aren’t ALWAYS available like they were back when your biggest problem in life was losing your red crayon. Sometimes, you need to call that set of boobs you call your own and have a conversation. Whether it’s about your manager being a prick, problems at home, financial difficulties (Editor’s note: Not recommended if your girlfriend is of Shanghainese descent) or maybe…you really are sad about losing your red crayon.
5) We’re all self conscious, I’m just the first to admit it.
That line is from a Kanye West song and it rings true for a lot of people even if they are afraid to admit it. I’m going to be honest, I’m very self conscious. I’ve been single for a very long time and there have been some dark times where I’ve doubted myself and whether I was capable of certain things.
You know what sucks about being single? Uncertainty. I know, very few things in life are certain but hear me out. When you’re single and in pursuit of someone, there are nothing but questions that go through your head:
- Does she like me?
- Am I doing this right?
- Am I wasting my time
- Am I good enough?
- Am I going to fail…again?
When you’re in a relationship, those questions are still in play but aren’t as severe. In my experience, I never doubted myself when in a relationship because…well, the girl already said yes. You already know that she likes you, you know that she’s committed, she’s buying you gifts, she calls you, you guys have great sex, you guys see each other often. That stuff that puts single people in a frenzy evaporated as soon as you guys sealed it with a kiss that magical first day.
And all that sh*ts on single people escapades.
In summary…knowing that someone else cares about you and acknowledges your level of awesomeness is pretty Godlike.
And I’m not the first to admit it.
Until next time folks! Stay classy!
