I remember being single

What’s up party people?

“You know we’re going to be together one day, we just have to sort through all of our messed up issues first, and you have a lot of girls to sleep with to get out of your system.” 

- I was going to bed last night, picture the latest Victoria’s Secret PJ’s and me provocatively slinking into the sheets, but it was way too hot to fall asleep straight away. So I decided to watch what I thought was going to be a nice coming of age film entitled The Art of Getting By (Editor’s note: Trailer HERE) starring Emma Roberts (Editor’s note: Also known as #6 on Isaac’s white girl to do list). Instead it turned out to be a movie about my life right down to the main protagonist having my bad haircut. Good times.

- And yes the movie involved a lot of discussion about the Friend Zone and how it’s pretty much like the zone Zod imprisoned Superman in.

- Note: For anyone trying to curb an energy drink addiction, black tea is not enough. I need a nicotine patch for caffeine/gurana/sugar.

- Shout out to Beyonce and Mr. Beyonce for the birth of their baby daughter. But Blue Ivy Carter? Really? Blue Ivy sounds like a strip club that charged triple digits for lap dances that don’t go on for that long. That’s not what I want to name my daughter (Isaac’s note: Sidebar, I intended to name my son Jordan for obvious reasons until my sister stole the name last minute). And yes, I also intend to release a rap song whenever my wife/girlfriend/one night stand gives birth (Editor’s note: Listen to Jay-Z’s HERE)

- As much as I’m looking forward to my birthday and my trip to New York, I’m just as excited for my month of nothing that starts as soon as I get back from the States. I haven’t had a good block of free time since I was rocking brown and blonde hair so I’m quite hyped. I mean…don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for a solid week, I’ll be so chilled that I’ll have stolen Ice Cube’s moniker.

- NEW YOOOOOOORK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF. THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN’T DOOOOOO

- I’m always wary of checking out girls during the school holidays. Not sure if they’re rocking babyfaces or if they are just babies.

Real talk.

Anywho, on to the next one:

Oh, you’re going to be very sad if you clicked on this link and wanted a flashback. I’m sorry but my cerebrum is on vacation so no memories, only poorly written essays on things I feel like writing about. So once again, I’d like to apologise, and er….yeah, hold dat sh*t.

So what will I be talking about today?

My areas of expertise are limited to Pokemon, basketball, cricket, Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3, bad romantic comedies, how to undo a bra with one hand (Editor’s note: Right), singing like T-Pain in the shower, Big 2, staying sober and honestly not much more…..I am obviously a top tier free agent. I’ve been single for a really long period so I’ve had a lot of time to become knowledgeable in all those fields…and there’s my topic.

Ladies & gentlemen, the staff here at Part Boast, Part Confession would like to present: The Benefits of Being Single.

Go.

Look, I realise we’re a lot older now. We should all be thinking, at least a little bit, about our futures. I’m always thinking about my savings, my first home purchase and career. However, what most of my female friends seem to be harping on are relationships, insisting I settle down before I balloon and lose my rugged good looks. My response: why? Why should I jeapordise my current situation and commit to someone I have no desire to commit to just for the sake of it? I’m more than willing to commit, but not to some random floozy just because I’ve been riding solo for a long time.

I’m the King of single people since George Clooney decided to start a relationship with Stacy Kiebler (Isaac’s note: Respect), so I’m going to write about how awesome it is.

1) Time after time after time after time

You know all those areas of expertise I mentioned earlier? Well, those skills are built upon during my down time. For the past few years, my down time has been really limited because I work very weird hours and university requires me to be awake more often than not. So whenever I get some time off, I like playing basketball, reading about cricket, duking it out over cards or video games. There is no way in Hell I’d be as good as I am at all of those things if I was in a serious relationship…sure I’d still do those things from time to time, but tending to the missus would obviously have priority over those things.

For anyone who’s ever seen Knocked Up, do you remember that scene when Paul Rudd’s wife finds him playing fantasy baseball with the guys and loses her sh*t? My girl would pretty much have diarroea cause there are a lot of things I like doing. Speaking of

2) I’m about my team, hoe.

I talk to my friends as much as I can. Not as much as I’d like to, but I make a point to call ‘em every now and then to see what’s going on in their lives. Due to the fact that my friends are all incredible and amazing, a lot of them have significant others. So I’ll call them, they’ll tell me that their relationships are steady, no drama. Then they’ll listen to me talk about my adventures for a solid hour.

Look, as a guy, life is a lot more….entertaining when you’re single. You’re not going to talk about the lovely couple’s spa day you had with the girlfriend at poker, but you are going to listen to your friend go into vivid detail about how he picked up a girl at a club who was playing hard to get. I think Andre 3000 said it best:

“N*ggas that are married don’t wanna go home but we look up to them, they wish they were us, they want some new trim, we lust for some trust.”

3) I’m doing me

And no, this isn’t about how great masturbation is.

It’s about how I can decide I want to hit up an arcade for a day without telling anyone. It’s about how I can spend a few hours shooting the rock at Strathfield Park. It’s about how I can download an entire season of Survivor and watch it all within two days whilst munching on Red Rock deli chips. When you’re single, your main priority in life is…yourself. I love me, I love taking care of me and making sure I’m happy. It’s easy, I don’t have to read too much into anything and I can never be too mad at yourself because come on…my doe eyes are hypnotic.

4) All I care about is Money…

Girlfriends are expensive. Especially if you have a habit of dating Shang women. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH ON BLAST.

(Editor’s note: He’s kidding. I assure you that he’s kidding, please don’t sue us).

5) Potential

….and I think this is one of the things single people enjoy most. You might meet someone at a grocery store, a library, a small house party, a taco stand, a Star Wars convention and start talking to them on a regular basis. Feelings might start developing, caterpillars you swallowed as a kid start becoming butterflies in your stomach (Editor’s note: Whoa. I’m not sure if that was brilliant or disgusting) and who knows where that might go?

The potential in everyday, every moment and in nearly everyone….that’s exciting. It’s like a permanent adrenaline rush.

You know that feeling you get when you hear that one of your favourite musicians is set to release a new album? The anticipation levels are high, you’re keen to listen to it as soon as possible and the speculation is rampant. Will it be awesome? Will it be better than the last? You hope that it leaks early just so you can enjoy it. That exists for every single prospect that falls on a single person’s radar, the excitement in the chase, the potential pay off, and maybe, just maybe…thinking about forever.

*****

In saying all that, I’m currently drafting a piece about why being in a relationship is awesome.

Swag.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!