Ain’t no way in Hell that I can be just friends with you

What’s up party people?

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Girl: We can be best friends!

I opened up Google Chrome today with a concept completely different to the one y’all are about to read (Editor’s note: Or close on because..it’s Isaac). Try not to laugh but I was going to have a go at writing a guide on relationship management. Then I realised that would be as fraudulent as Eminem writing a song about anger management or Kobe Bryant releasing a DVD on how to keep your teammates involved and decided to scrap the idea.

So…what the Hell am I supposed to talk about now?

What field am I so familiar with that I can impart wisdom on my readers? What zone do I understand with such clarity that it would be inhumane not to share?

Bingo, let’s go to the FRIEND ZONE.

****

Believe me when I say I know the territory quite well. I have so much real estate in various female friend zones that people call me freaking Donald Trump (Editor’s note: He hasn’t realised that they call him that because of his bad hair). I’ve been banished there so many times that I’d be eligible to fly around the world at least six times if the zone offered frequent flyer miles. However, there is a caveat…sometimes I have willingly put myself there, because let’s face it…I don’t REALLY want to get with every girl in the world.

I know a lot of great girls. Short girls ,tall girls, thin girls, chubby girls, smart girls, some not so smart girls,  yellow girls, white girls, somewhere in between girls, girls who can sing and dance, girls who yell and prance, girls who like tea, girls who hate Wednesdays, girls that only own push up bras, girls who forget that make up is what grants them powers, girls who are really just boys with lady parts, girls that love giving **** – (Editor’s note: FOR F*CKS’S SAKE STOP ,WE GET IT)!

So yeah, though sometimes I’m in a girl’s zone unwillingly…there are a lot more instances of me putting myself in there because I don’t want a romantic relationship with the girl in question.

The real question lies in why would I  do that?

Why would a straight, red blooded male willingly take himself out of the race for a decent female?

Well, though they’re not exactly friends with benefits like Mila Kunis…there are some benefits, such as:

1) Mixups

Look, I love my bros. My core group of guys are irreplacable, girls come and go but my bros will always be in my corner. That’s what’s up. In saying that, sometimes you just need a girl for certain situations, I mean I can’t really go and get a haircut with one of my bros and grab some ice cream later. I could, but it’s one of the least bromantic things one can do unless y’all are shaving your heads together and buying vanilla ice cream at Woolworths afterwards. Some situations require a female present, and for a single guy like myself, I don’t have that wifey to call upon when I want to get a haircut similar to one of the guys in Big Bang.

Side bar: When you’re accompanied by them, they’re your friends, not prospects. You can be yourself,  and you can even put chivalry on the backburner if you wish. That means that she can pay for her own ice cream. You know what it is.

2) Translators

Story time. Two of my friends really like each other and they’re sort of in the pending zone. So late last year, she called him up to confront him and to talk about where they stood. Afterwards, she called me:

Isaac: So how’d it go?

S: He said he likes me. What does that mean?

Isaac: Reread what you just said to me dummy

I’m not very fluent in Dickhead, but I know enough. I’m horrible at bitch talk and definitely need a phrase book for thattimeofthemonth-anese so having a friend that’s fluent in both definitely comes in handy from time to time.

3) Boobs

Boobs are great.

Doesn't seem that bad

4) Assistance

You know who the best wingman I ever had was? My second (and best) girlfriend (Editor’s note: She’s the star of THIS story). Nothing attracts girls like other girls, I have no idea why this is but I’m not going to complain. It’s almost like girls seek the approval of other girls, if you have absolutely no vagina on your friends list…then other girls will automatically stick a post it note on your forehead that denies you access to fanny.

That’s life son.

5) More Ass-istance (Editor’s note: Sigh…we see what you did there)

Look, if you’re friends with a girl who banished you to the friend zone, she might feel guilty. Some don’t, because it’s well within their rights who they choose to commit to and they are exactly right. However, some feel bad for hurting you and denying you and they’ll do everything in their power to get you in that ass…well, somebody else’s ass. Strategies, analysis, high level technology that some dudes don’t have access to.

Poor example coming…I like to troll. A lot. And I have one girl who I hit on pretty much all the time but we’re both well aware that we I am by no means serious. However, I use the moves, use the swag, use the lines just to gauge their effectiveness. Obviously there are very few moves that will work universally, but hey, practice makes perfect right?

*****

I know I’ve just spent close to a thousand works talking about how the friend zone isn’t that bad of a place…but it’s not for everyone. Sometimes it’s painful, especially if you’re in the zone of a girl where your feelings are buried in a very shallow grave. The feeling you get when she starts talking about another guy…man, it’s a mixture of the utmost sadness, failure and a very weird happiness.

Oh by the way, you can get out of it. The friend zone is not a life sentence, it’s negotiable. People change, emotions change and you can always help each other change out of their outfits.

And yeah, I’m selling my three bedroom condo right now. Swag.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!