You can’t blame me for secretly hoping that I’ll prove you wrong

What’s up party people?

I can see it in your eyes: you’re angry

Regret got shit on what you’re feeling now

Mad cause he ain’t like me

Oh you mad cause nobody ever did it like me

All the care I would take, all the love that we made

Now you’re trying to find somebody to replace what I gave to you

- Holy sh*t. This is set to be the 700th post I’ve published. I got to this milestone quite quickly even though I’ve cut back quite a bit in terms of posts published per week. I don’t have any tributes planned for today, just a typical A-grade post for my loyal readers and random folk googling demotivational posters. Oh and just one thing I want to say to the haters, I’m glad that all I have to do is wake up alive & well in the morning and that spoils your day c*cksuckers.

Hold dat.

- I went to watch Breaking Dawn Part I yesterday (Editor’s note: Yes, yes he was with a girl) and I had no idea that I was *SPOILER ALERT* willingly walking into a movie about how men are secretly dogs/monsters who crave young flesh and are pro-choice whilst females, regardless of how bitchy they usually are, are not in favour of abortions. Yeah, that was totally unexpected.

- I would also like to thank Stephanie Meyer, and all the other screenwriters for making pregnancy even scarier than it already was for an entire generation of girls/women. Perhaps; this will allow me to avoid having the kids conversation for another few years. Or, perhaps girls will be so worried about sex that they refrain from having any from now on…Nah.

- I have nothing but love for each and every one of the Victoria’s Secret angels (except the Asian one, I’m pretty sure I know at least half a dozen better candidates) but their dancing during Kanye & Jay-Z’s performance was amazingly awkward (Editor’s note: watch the video HERE) It was like watching Kristen Stewart attempt to do the dougie, and for the record, I would pay at least $8.95 to watch Kristen Stewart attempt to do the dougie.

- I’ve seen a few decent movies this year (X-Men: First Class, Super 8, Thor, Captain America) but the best one I’ve seen all year is definitely 50 50 starring my main man Joseph Gordon Levitt and one of my favourite white girls Anna Kendrick. I recommend it highly, and I also suggest you bring some cleenex cause I was getting uber emotional whilst watching it (Editor’s note: Trailer HERE).

- I’ve been rereading The Art of a Beautiful Game by Chris Ballard; the following is one of my favourite excerpts from the book:

“Consider the following hypothetical situation. Let’s say you are playing for your high school’s basketball team and have persuaded one of the team’s bench warmers to stay afterward to play one on one. Let’s also stipulate that you are much, much better than this bench warmer, who, for our purposes we shall call Rob.

 Now let’s say the two of you are playing a game to 100 points, with each basket worth one point, winner’s outs after a made shot, and you are having your way with poor Rob, backing him down and driving by him and pulling up for jumpers. Pretty soon you’ve built an almost embarrassing lead – say, 40 baskets to none. Now, in this situation, do you:

a) Begin to feel bad for Rob, who is, after all, doing you a favour by staying late, and perhaps ease up a bit so he can at least score a few baskets?

b) Continue playing hard but maybe start taking only outside jumpers, so that Rob might have a fighting chance, thus making it more competitive?

c) Never let up for a second, hounding Rob on defence and punishing him on offence, because the only way to win is to do so absolutely and completely, and only the weak relent, even for a moment?

If you answered “c,” congratulations. You share a mindset with Kobe Bryant, the most competitive life-form on the planet.

For the record, yeah, I answered C. I played an hour long set of Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 with one of my friends from work and beat him 76 games in a row. I didn’t lose, I stopped playing because I wanted to go take a nap. For anyone who’s ever played the game before, you’d know how random it can be, and that winning consecutive games is actually really quite hard. 76? That sh*t cray.

- “I believe that marriage is between love and love, and doesn’t necessarily have to be between a man and woman” – Frank Ocean.

Shout out to Oscar Wilde

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Swag ’11

(Editor’s note: The following are two stories Isaac has been holding onto for a while. What better occasion to bust them out than 700?)

Isaac:”It really f*cked me up…I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I haven’t done ANYTHING since it all happened. Sure, I went out once with ****..and I talked about going for *****, but that’s all I did. Talk about it….I haven’t done jack since….well, until last Thursday

R: What?!

****

A long day of university lessons had finally drawn to a close, twenty year old Isaac was on the train home, he sat next to a girl he had spent the entire day getting to know. They had both been trading stories of their youths, and anecdotes from a more modern history as well. They were definitely getting along, and the sparks were lighting up all over the place. The story currently being shared was coming from the girl.

She was telling Isaac a harrowing tale about how she had been stalked all of last semester by a man who tried to follow her home from the train station. This time, he followed her the entire way, and only the intervention of her neighbour and father prevented him from stepping onto the porch. From that point on, her father picked her up everyday from the station as a precaution.

The train reached Isaac’s stop.

Isaac: Hey…send me a text when you get home, so I know you’re safe.

Girl: But I don’t have your number

Isaac grinned, and placed his phone gently on her lap.

****

Korean BBQs were always a smoky affair. Twenty year old Isaac squinted his eyes as he attempted to cut up the tender beef ribs that were currently being burnt cooked to perfection. Two girls sat across him, one checking her phone for messages whilst the other was actively replying to the texts she had received during dinner.

The first girl sighed slightly as Isaac also pulled out his phone to reply to messages.

First Girl: Oh Isaac! I don’t have your number

Isaac: Oh my God, that was one of the smoothest pick up lines ever.

The girl feigned ignorance, or maybe she was genuinely innocent.

Isaac: I might borrow that line someday….just letting you know.

Dinner continued without a hitch, food was being consumed, the conversation was flowing. Once again, the phones belonging to Isaac and the second girl continued to buzz with text messages from friends from all over. The first girl watched wistfully as Isaac put his head down, somewhat rudely, and reply to everyone of the texts he had just received.

First Girl: You guys are too popular, no one texts me.

That was the moment.

Isaac: Well….I don’t have your number

Boom.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!