Why I suck with girls

What’s up party people?

“You know how when you talk to some people about past relationships and they’ll give you a number; then they’ll proceed to tell you about some other folks that didn’t count because it wasn’t serious or didn’t go long enough? Well, I actually think that every relationship I’ve ever been in qualifies in that category, but if I didn’t count them, then it would appear that I have never had a girlfriend in my life.”

I’ve been hard at work for the past hour and you’re about to see why. A while ago, I talked about coming across a trailer of a film in which a guy interviews all his ex girlfriends as to why they broke up with him (Editor’s note: Trailer is HERE). I thought that was a fascinating premise and have been mulling it over for a while wondering how I could possibly run with it. Then it hit me, though I have broken up with a couple of girls before, I have been rejected by a lot more.

A lot more.

The question is why?

In order to find out why, I decided to use the research skills I have developed over my time at university and *GASP* write a research report on why my lack of prowess with girls is so disturbing. And yes, this is going to be a long entry, enjoy!

Sigh.

Introduction

Whenever a break up or a rejection occurs; most victims often hurl insults at the other party and blame their lack of chemistry (or catastrophic event) that led to the eventual end of the saga. It is rare that the victim genuinely looks at themselves in the mirror and asks themselves:

“What about me led to this?”

Since 2009, Isaac’s record with the ladies has been abysmal. In all honesty, his entire track record with females has been below par since inception. Pretty sure even his sister detested him upon first glance. Anywho, since 2009, he’s had two relationships. Which would be perfectly fine if they were long term committed ones but altogether they went for as long as two Kardashian marriages. Not a good look. From the beginning of 2009 until now (November 2011); he has pursued a total of four girls and converted one of them (She’s probably shaking her head right now wondering what she was thinking, or possibly enjoying a nice meal with her current amazing boyfriend). That makes a conversion rate of 25%….Isaac will now proceed to slam his head against a wall.

 It has become so dire (he hasn’t been in a relationship for two years) that a debate has emerged about whether his prowess with females is as bad as his mathematical ability (Isaac’s note: In my defence, I got a band five in my last formal maths exam. No female has touched my business since *CENSORED CENSORED)

Background

He grew up with a sister six years his elder which should’ve provided some added insight into female psychology (even though it’s a possibility that the teenage version of his sister was batsh*t crazy). They had a relatively open line of communication so lack of information was never a problem for Isaac. Perhaps, this might only have aided his ability to be friends with girls and not assist him in become a boyfriend for girls. He went to coed schools for both elementary and high school; which one would assume benefits one’s interactions with females; but this research argues that it only benefitted his ability to befriend girls and not help the conversion process (girl = friend as opposed to girl + friend = girlfriend).

Which leads to….

Research Questions

In order to gauge what makes Isaac so unappealing, it is necessary to form a foundation for the following research report via research questions.

-          What factors make Isaac an unappealing partner?

-          How can Isaac rectify his situation?

-          Does he really give a crap?

Hopefully this framework will allow us to gain an insight into why the self proclaimed ‘best blogger alive’ has pretty much been living out an Adele album.

Methodology

The sample of the study consisted of seven twenty year old Asian girls. Data was collected via face to face interaction and via SMS. The sample was limited due to time constraints and a lack of budget (Isaac’s note: I’ve gone over my phone cap for the past two months. Diu). Participants were asked the following question:

“I’m researching something right now so be real with me ok? If I was to ask you out, why would you reject me? Other than the obvious reasons (you don’t like me, you already have a boyfriend). E.g. I have crappy hair and don’t drive. And yes, I have sent this to multiple people.”

Results were then sorted to look for commonalities/trends because Isaac suddenly has a ton of free time on his hands and refused to do anything productive with them.

Results:

Girl #1:

- Hair

-  Don’t drive

-  Ex’s best friend

- Too skinny

- Not family oriented

- 99% of my friends are girls

- Always pays

Girl #2:

- Female magnet

- Doesn’t hate anyone

- Not family oriented

-  99% of my friends are girls

- Always pays

Girl #3:

-  Not on the same par

- Doesn’t understand me

Girl #4:

- Not desired height

-Too skinny

- Hair

- Prioritises friends over family

- Has no desire to get married

Girl #5:

- Don’t drive

- Don’t drink

- Like taking photos too much

-          Always logical and reasonable, never shown any sort of spontaneity

Girl #6:

-          Hates feeling like they have to dress up around me

-          Not a beach person

-          Poor eating & sleeping habits

-          Can’t imagine having sex with me

Girl #7:

-  Friends with too many girls

-       Don’t drive

-          Not close with parents

Discussion

Ok, f*ck it. I’m writing this in first person now because I’m tired of letting third person Isaac pretty much pee all over me. Firstly, the results can’t be 100% accurate due to the fact that all participants are dear friends of mine and may have been conscious of hurting my feelings. Also, due to the fact that they are close friends, it is likely that they see less flaws in me than the normal female prospect would due to the fact that they are already used to said flaws.

With all that being said, there is clearly a lot of data to work with.

In addressing the first research question (What factors make Isaac an unappealing partner); it is clear that my haircut appears to be a major concern amongst females as three out of seven participants mentioned it. Four also mentioned the fact that me being unable to drive is a major issue (as it affects how often I can see a person). Something I failed to predict (yes, I am well aware of my personal flaws) was that family would prove to be a talking point. Four of the participants cited the fact that me not being a family oriented person could hurt my chances. Five out of seven girls also cited aesthetic and physical traits (hair, height, weight, dress sense, can’t comprehend having sex with me) as major factors into why they would snigger at my proposal. Only one girl cited a personality characteristic as being a detriment (not being able to understand me).

The second research question was how do I rectify all of this? Well, it’s actually pretty simple. According to the data; all I have to do is get a haircut, join a gym, and get my driver’s license (which I fully intend to do…eventually). Becoming closer with my family is slightly more difficult for a myriad of reasons that I’m not ready to divulge as I’m scared that ASIO will burst through my front door as soon as I hit the publish button.

Now, the meat and potatoes of this research project. The final research question was: does he really give a crap? The answer is yes & no. Obviously I care, if I didn’t I wouldn’t have even bothered conducting the research in the first place. I mentioned earlier I know what flaws I have, but that’s from my perspective, even though I could hypothetically put myself in someone else’s shoes, some of them can still surprise me. The reason I don’t care is the sample I used…they’re my FRIENDS, I have absolutely no romantic feelings for any of them.

Another reason I do care? They’re my friends, and they hit the nail on the head with a number of observations that I failed to take into account. The type of girl I go after is one that is ready to settle now, not one that still has some teenage stuff to get out of her system. That type of girl is a lot more likely to reject me due to the fact that I’m not a fan of marriage as opposed to the fact that I have a bowl haircut. Also, because I often am the voice of reason in my circle of friends, I am very, very rarely spontaneous. That same girl who’s willing to commit long term and settle down might still want some sparks in that relationship; no successful relationship has ever been based solely on consistency and routine; you need some sparks dude.

Conclusion

Unlike Michael Jackson, I still have some comebacks left in me. I like my hair, I absolutely hate having short hair and have no idea why girls seemed to be so enamored with it. I think girls are more obsessed with the style than how it suits the person (in this case me). Other than that, I completely agree with all the other observations, but I am also a little saddened. Most of it was about physical traits, I don’t know if that says more about them or me, but according to the data THAT (along with the lack of ability to drive) are the main reasons I spend Friday nights singing Adele’s Someone Like You in the corner of my room whilst eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

This study could’ve been improved if I had implemented a larger sample size and maybe if I had spent more than five minutes talking to the participants.

Another observation that the research questions never really discussed was that whether girls actually had an honest internal monologue similar to this prior to every decision. I personally don’t think most girls my age do this, some probably do (Shout outs) but most probably don’t. Apparently a nice face, body and car will do the job. Did I just insult my sample in a backhanded sorta way? Yes, yes I did; then again they’re my friends and nearly all of them called me an anorexic guy with bad hair so hopefully y’all forgive me.

This research is all in line with something I wrote previously as to why girls actually reject males. To all the girls reading this, please, please, please be honest with the next guy you reject. Simply telling them that you like them too much as friends, or that they’re like brothers to you serves no purpose whatsoever. How is that constructive criticism?

Think about it like a job interview, if your prospective employer informed you that your application was unsuccessful but you were really, really well qualified but still didn’t get your job, you’d lose your sh*t. If they told you, it’s due to the fact that your personal prerogative is not what our company is about, or that your writing skills aren’t up to par, then you can do something about it.

Stop being bitches.

One last thing. Yeah, I’ve been single for a long time, it’s unheard of in my generation for a guy to be single so long unless he’s a recluse or not interested in having casual sex. I’m actually the latter, I have no interest in getting my rocks off frequently if its not with someone I can see myself with long term. Sure, the girl I meet at a club might be a gorgeous individual who’s just there to blow off some steam after a long, hard week; but it’s also possible that she’s just there with a bunch of girls who’ve recently gotten out of long term relationships who just want to f*ck the memory of their ex-boyfriends away.

Not my thing. I want a woman who’s into conversation on a Friday night, a quiet movie on a Saturday and maybe a picnic on Sunday. I want a woman who understands that my love of competition and desire to prove myself is the reason I still play video games. I want a woman that will pat me reassuringly as I lose a game of poker for the umpteenth time when I’m with the guys, I want a woman that the guys approve of. I want a woman who ain’t threatened about the fact that most of my closest friends don’t have penises.

I know what you’re thinking, a lot of girls are naturally insecure and jealous, it’s normal.

I don’t want normal.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!