What the f*ck has changed? It it swagger? Is it money? I still dress the f*ckin’ same and my nose is still as ugly

What’s up party people?

“I heard once that they would rather hear about memories than enemies, rather hear what was or what will be then what is, rather hear how you got it  over how much it cost you, rather hear about finding yourself than how you lost you, rather you make this an open letter about family and struggle and it taking forever, about hearts that you’ve broken and ties that you’ve severed. No doubt in my mind, that’ll make ‘em feel better.”

Due to the fact that I work most days of the week and spend most  of my off days  trying to become the best Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 player in Strathfield, I often go for long periods of time without seeing some of my friends and casual acquaintances. Upon reuniting with them, there are a few questions that will always come up:

- How’s life?

- Are you still at the Ritz?

- Your blog sucks….k?

- How are the ladies? Are you seeing anyone? Why are you still single?

Yes, that last dot point consisted of three questions but really they all mean the same thing. Why the f*ck haven’t you settled down yet Mr Isaac? Why are you simply complaining about your lack of prowess with girls instead of actively addressing the flaws they have raised, or even sorting out the flaws you raised yourself?

Er…

There are a lot of reasons, yes some of them are things I could change about myself and there are also some other things that I can’t directly change.

What are these reasons?

I assure you...this poster is kinda, sorta relevant

1) I troll. A lot.

I’ve had a few shocking moments throughout the year (Editor’s note: Some have yet to be documented. Stay tuned) but one of the most incredulous tidbits was when someone, who I’ve known for what seems to be a millenia, said I had now become a flirt. Naturally, my first reaction was to laugh like one of the hyenas from The Lion King and then immediately continue trolling the hell out of her. As the months passed…my female friends realised I was joking around and some even joined in (Editor’s note: Shout out to VT).

However…I don’t joke ALL the time. Sure I do for most of it…but I have my non-humourous moments. There are times when I’m being sincere in my praise, my desire…and the girl on the receiving end thinks I’m joking.

I confessed to a girl that I’ve had a crush on her for a long period of time….then I played it off as a joke….then resumed my serious nature…then played it off..

Seriously, it’s hard to differentiate between when  I’m being serious when the serious face is going or if I’m seriously trolling even if the serious expression is on full display.

Seriously.

(That paragraph was dedicated to Harry Potter’s deceased Godfather Sirius….seriously)

2) I’m Exposed

I just decided five seconds ago that I’m going to try and incorporate Drake lyric into the rest of the entries. For this one:

“Every girl I meet thinks I’m f*cking groupie hoes, the honesty of my music has left me too exposed.”

No, I’m not moonlighting as a rapper, but I do write a lot about myself on this blog. I do it because I enjoy writing and make people that can actually write feel a lot better about themselves as they compare their work to my drivel.  I also do it because, believe it or not, I get some really good feedback and BECAUSE PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS SH*T. 

I was talking to a couple of friends yesterday and this is what I say:

“If someone genuinely wanted to find something out about me, it wouldn’t be that hard. There are only a few things that I will never, ever write about and everything else is already on there. That takes away the curiousity spark that so many successful relationships are based off of, that desire to find out more about your significant other.”

And yeah, I do speak  like that in a social context…except I tend to use the following words quite a lot:

“Yo, y’all, fraud, Godlike and exposed”

Anywho:

3) Hair & weight

Read HERE for more of an in depth look into why those two factors are so important.

4) Girl Friends

Sh*t, I can’t think of an appropriate Drake lyric to incoportate into this stanza, alas, the show must go on (Editor’s note: Shout out to Lupe Fiasco and his new mixtape).

As you guys have probably guessed, I’m in the friend zone with a lot of females. Girls on girls on girls on girls on girls on girls on girls, I’m friends with girls on girls on girls on girls on girls on girls. Sorry, I was listening to Racks by YC and got distracted. As I was saying, I’m friends with many nice sets of racks; they mean a tonne to me and I actually girls more often than I do the boys (Isaac’s note: This is due to the fact that I can play games online with the boys, shout out to Sakiman and my boy NY).

I spend so much time with girls that an outsider could be forgiven for thinking I’m constantly on DATES.

One of my closest female friends (who has a fantastic rack by the way) has admitted that she regards them as dates, even though they are obviously of a friendly nature.

This illusion keeps me away from lonely nights, wistfully staing out the window whilst firmly hugging my pillow wondering why I’m lonely. I’m always out with girls anyway.

Swag.

5) I don’t want a Girlfriend.

“I think I’m spending my time with all the wrong women, I think I had a chance at love but knowing me I missed it, cause me dedicating my time ain’t realistic.”

I wrote an article blog last week entitled “Why I Suck With Girls.” I had a lot of fun writing it because well…I don’t know why I had a lot of fun hashing out why I was so unattractive to the gender that provides breast milk. I obviously made a concerted effort in highlighting all the negative aspects of my persona, because I was trying to you know…write well.

However, once it came out whispers of me being really, really sad and lonely became loud roars. People started wondering if the King of the Single folk (Editor’s note: Yeah, he said it) was wanting to relinquish the throne. Or more accurately, set up a nice pink and frilly one adjacent to his own.

The thing is…I’m not THAT bad. And no, I’m not planning to share the throne any time soon (Isaac’s note: Somewhere Kanye West & Jay-Z are nodding silently).

I’ve had girlfriends before, and yeah they’ll probably blame head trauma and hormones as the reason they dated me, but I know I’ve got a little something something (Editor’s note: INSERT JOKE ABOUT ASIANS HAVING SMALL PENISES HERE) that no one else can bring to the table. I know I’ve got some game, even if I’m not a Playstation 3 or an XBOX 360…I’m probably a Super Nintendo; a little old school (in my beliefs), retro , still a lot of fun and yes…a classic collection of games just waiting to be played as y’all are distracted by the flashy, yet ultimately hollow newer consoles.

Yeah, I said it. I just put all my taken friends on blast. Who gon’ stop me?

Anywho, though I paint my life like I’m an Asian McLovin’ minus the happy ending (Editor’s note: Heh. Happy ending would’ve also worked). I’m actually more like……

No one on TV or a recent movie comes to mind. Sh*t.

All jokes aside…this is what I’m about right now:

I’m about me. That might sound selfish to some, and they’re right. Why though?

I’m selfish right now because I’m trying to be the best me possible. I’m trying to get my academics in order, I’m working so much to get my finances in order, I’m taking care of my friends because they take care of me and make me a better person. I’m trying to make myself the best prospect out there. I know I’m awesome, but I’m trying to get better (Editor’s note: Forgive the hubris, you have to admit he hasn’t been as bad lately).

Single life allows me to do all those things. The time is available for me to improve, to better myself and take care of all my situations. Though I would be open to a good relationship, I’m not going to jump into one just for the sake of it..that would be a waste of time and energy, two resources I treasure over nearly everything but money.

I’m single by choice. This might be my hubris ranting, but I sincerely believe that I’d be in a relationship right now  if I really, really wanted to be in one. I could be all over your sister right now. However, that’s not what I want right now; maybe soon…so beware.

Oh and one more Drake lyric to cap things off:

“I’m doing me, I’m doing me, I’m living life right now man, and this what Im’ma do ’til its over…’til its over….but it’s far from over.”

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Don’t you go getting married, don’t you go get engaged

What’s up party people?

Brooke: I wanted you…..to fight for me!

Lucas: Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Brooke:….you just are 

One of my favourite television shows during high school was One Tree Hill. I got into it due to the fact that the first season featured a tonne of basketball, and babes. Seriously, that’s all it takes in order to garner my attention. It was really well written, the opening theme song was Godlike (Gavin Dergaw’s: “I Don’t Want To Be“) and did I mention the basketball and the babes? It dealt with a lot of storylines that had a lot of weight with teenagers…dealing with popularity, losing touch with friends, relationships, sex etc.

One of the most memorable storylines was the one in which Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray attempting to make an open relationship work. What made it doubly hilarious was that they were divorced in real life (Editor’s note: Apparently Mr Murray cheated on Sophia Bush with Paris Hilton; crazy stuff). When it was clear that Chad wasn’t going to go around banging random girls, Sophia Bush’s character demanded that he did. He still didn’t….and when he tried to win her over and make it exclusive, he caught her in bed with some other dude!

Seriously, this was rivetting stuff when I was 17.

So why would I bring up One Tree Hill?

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for a little while…and it’s inspired by some real life drama some of my friends are currently undergoing. Me being me, I wanted to write something up and see how I’d deal with the drama personally.

The drama is…..a break.

As in a break from a relationship.

No, not a break up…but a break.

(Editor’s note: Er….what’s the difference?)

Oooh.....too soon?

The Definition:

A break from a relationship is a psuedo-rest period in which a couple ceases being a couple for a varied length of time but with the intention of getting back together once their problems are resolved. I use the term problems loosely cause it could only apply to one person, both and  several other sets of boobs in some rare and beautiful cases. The difference between a break and a full blown break up is…er….give me a second.

*Google Search*

….and we’re back (kinda like getting back together after a break). According to a relationship forum in which I assure you I am not a member: A break is usually when one or more parties has an issue they need to resolve. There is an understanding that after a certain amount of time, whether or not the issue has been resolved, the two parties will attempt to get back together. A breakup usually means completely over although some people probably use the terms interchangeably.

The Plethora of Problems

On the surface…it seems like a good way to deal with some issues without doing something dramatic like completely severing the relationship. It allows one or both parties some time to cool off, catch up with some friends to bitch over low fat muffins or to pump at the gym, and do whatever single people do for a little while. However…though I opened with a supposed definition, it is far from universal.

Issues with the definition include but are not limited to:

- Are we still technically a couple?

- Am I allowed to do single person things and not get in trouble once we resume business hours?

- Why does Isaac continue writing about things to do with girls when his track record is worse than an overweight guy attempting to do Olympic sprints?

- What am I supposed to do?

That last concern is going to be the key discussion point of this piece, and that starts….

HOW DO I WIN HER/HIM/IT BACK?!

…..now.

Ok, suppose the break was not a mutual decision and was brought about due to the fact that the girl you’ve been seeing is was worried about the state of the relationship and needed to take a step back. You guys have been together for a mighty long time, you guys have been through puberty together, high school, freshman parties (Editor’s note: Good times), sophomore slumps, junior something somethings etc.

She’s worried the spark is gone….that you guys are too settled, too much like a married couple…so she needed to take a step back to sort of evaluate her life and maybe see what’s out there, and she needs to see who she is without you. She needs some time to think…and no, she doesn’t know how long it’ll be, but she asks for some time and space and adds something cheesy like:

“If we’re meant to be….we’ll be ok.”

And get this….it’s NOT a break up.

So what are you supposed to do in this situation?

There are so many issues at hand that I have to delve straight into another dot point list:

- Give her the necessary time and space

Just be patient, don’t harass her and try to guilt trip her into getting back with you. Do your thing, a break’s supposed to be mutually beneficial to both parties. Catch up on your reading, reacquaint yourself with your video game console of choice…oh and those guys you used to hang out with before you moved into the relationship cave probably want to catch up. She’ll get in touch with you when she’s ready to get back together or to have ‘the talk.’ Don’t rush her into a decision.

- Don’t give her the necessary time and space

Some people don’t mean what they say…when they say they want time & space, they actually want you to fight for them like how Gerard Butler fought for 300. And yes, its just as messy.

Some of you might be blubbering: ‘bbbb-but dude…she said she wanted time & space.”

Yeah, some of them are sincere in their words. However, if you grant some of them time and space….a recurring motif during their conversations over low fat muffins with their packs will be something along the lines of: ‘SEEE! THIS IS WHAT I MEAN! HE DOESN’T PUT IN ANY EFFORT WHATSOEVER! HE HASN’T EVEN CALLED ME ONCE OR FACEBOOKED ME AT ALL. WHY THE HELL SHOULD I GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM?’

I’m going to be real honest…I don’t know exactly what to do in this situation because I’ve never been in it. My relationships concluded because I wanted them to, I never wanted to have a trial separation period, I just wanted the game over screen flashing. However, due to the fact that I have a lot of attractive friends who frequently engage in relationship activity, I’ve picked up a few things that you SHOULDN’T do

What you shouldn’t do during a break

If you genuinely intend to rekindle your relationship….here’s a list of things you should avoid partaking in

- Post numerous status updates on Facebook about how much of a bitch she is for putting you through this

- Post numerous status updates on Myspace about how much of a bitch she is for putting you through this

- Talk to mutual friends about how much of a bitch she is for putting you through this (keep it in house)

- Cry in your room on Friday nights with Adele’s Someone Like You on repeat (Editor’s note: Anyone have a weird feeling that Isaac’s done this before?)

- Talk to her daily. Sort of defeats the purpose and she’ll find you annoying even though she’d complain if you didn’t talk to her. Yeah, I know.

- Threaten her.

- Say anything along the lines of: “Are you f*cking kidding me? You realise I could have any girl I wanted right? The sheer audacity of your move is admirable, but also epitomises how stupid you are. F*ck you n*gger.” Yep, definitely don’t say something line that. Especially if she’s black…that’s a whole ‘nother post I intend to pen eventually.

- Text her about the hundreds of girls who have displayed interest in you since the break

Definitely don’t do any of those things…now, here’s the good part

What Would Isaac Do?

I’m not a fan of a break. Despite the definition, I just think it’s a cowardly way to break up with someone. I know someone who just told their significant other that they wanted a break just to see what was out there. Then they realised that the single world is filled with desperate, conniving and horny folk that were not relationship material, but it was ok cause they had a safety blanket.

When one, or both parties, are considering a break….to me, this means the relationship has well and truly started to deteriorate to the point in which a full blown break up is highly likely.

One of the key similarities between a break and a break up is the getting back together part. Most people can’t break up straight away from long term relationships. They feel like fish out of water and get back together soon after becasue of the familiarity and comfort, it takes a while for them to realise that the relationship is significantly different from how it was when it first started.

When they’ve reached that point…they might as well break up, so both can fully explore the world if that’s what they desire.

What I hate most about breaks is when they’re not mutual.

Back to my example:

The girl you’ve been seeing is was worried about the state of the relationship and needed to take a step back. You guys have been together for a mighty long time, you guys have been through puberty together, high school, freshman parties (Editor’s note: Good times), sophomore slumps, junior something somethings etc.

She’s worried the spark is gone….that you guys are too settled, too much like a married couple…so she needed to take a step back to sort of evaluate her life and maybe see what’s out there, and she needs to see who she is without you. She needs some time to think…and no, she doesn’t know how long it’ll be, but she asks for some time and space and adds something cheesy like:

“If we’re meant to be….we’ll be ok.”

The poor guy in this scenario is just drifting as the girl discovers herself (something she has every right to do).

I personally think she should’ve just went for the break up.

Her message is a lot more loud and clear:

“I need this. I need some time..and not your shadow looming over me. Plus, you haven’t been the greatest boyfriend in the world either, so either ship up or shape out. If you find someone that complements you better, that’s great, and I’ll be happy for you.”

Let both parties see what its like in the big bad world. Drink it up, make a few mistakes, try and get over each other. With a break….the girl is going to get over him, not the other way around. It’s not fair for both parties to be in different situations, give both a clean slate to start over.

If the girl wants time, give her all the time she wants.

If the dude doesn’t want to wait around, set him free.

With a break up…both have an equal opportunity to do whatever the f*ck they want.

And well…

“If we’re meant to be….we’ll be ok.”

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

I’ve asked about you, and they’ve told me things, but my mind hasn’t changed, I still feel the same.

What’s up party people?

R: Yeah, and then I intend to move overseas

Isaac: Whaaaat? We’ve never discussed that

R: Of course, that would change if you asked me out

Isaac: You know what the funny thing is? You’re actually semi-serious

- How funny would it have been if Justin Bieber performed a cover of Billie Jean shortly after he was accused of fathering a baby? I would’ve paid at least twenty dollars to see him on stage yelling out: ‘THE KID IS NOT MY SON, HEEEE HEEE.’

- Apparently THIS movie is better than (500) Days of Summer. Needless to say, I am uber hyped for its release.

- Hoping everyone and their mothers has a sick time at Stereosonic today. One of my coworkers found it funny how everyone was so keen on getting their aesthetics in order prior to this day but hey, any reason young folk decide to get fit is cool in my books.

- I’m a Florence & the Machine fan, so when I was delighted when I found THIS as I was trolling the interwebs.

- The following is a story concerning one of my female friends:

Outside ChaTime

Guy: is that nice?

Me: Yes, you should go buy some

Guy: Why dont you have a chat time with me? 

Me: it’s Cha time.

Guy: Chat time

Me: CHA Time.

Guy: chat time?

Me: *gives up explaining and then realizing what he meant*

Fail.

Ahhh, for the record I have nothing but respect for the guy. I also wonder what he would do if he spotted a hottie standing near an Easy Way.

- Someone asked me what the worst date I’ve ever been on entailed. HERE’s what I wrote about it back in the early days of my blogging career.

- I’ve written ad nauseum about the pros/cons about dating co-workers BEFORE; however, there was a huge con I managed to leave out that only occurred to me last week. I’m going to christen this the KNHS effect as a bit of a tribute to my high school. The effect is when one person seems more attractive simply because everyone else isn’t. This is rampant in small school groups, intimate workplaces and other walks of life. Suppose a six in the outside world is surrounded fours in your English class and then the six seems more like an eight cause a lot of the fours are sporting warts and one appears not to have learnt that nose hair requires trimming.

And yes, there is video of me talking about this that will prevent me from ever banging Scarlett Johansson if it’s ever leaked on to the internet.

I love Van Wilder but God F*cking damn, how could you break up with her?!

Anywho, on  to the next one:

The Snap ’11

Another day of classes had concluded for twenty year old Isaac. Accompanied by his favourite Greek wingman,  Isaac was on the way home after a hard day of being Godlike. As their journey continued through Central station, the duo bumped into fellow three of their female classmates. They spoke about their futures as Isaac (aka dude with the annoying laugh) had recently announced his decision to take his talents to Macquarie to pursue a Masters degree in International Security Studies following his graduation from UNSW.

The three girls had recently attended a Q&A session featuring several industry folks who had waxed poetical about their current careers in the Criminology sector. One of the girls, was doing her best to save Isaac from wasting a year, urged him not to go to Macquarie as the future of those who had gunned for jobs at ASIO were bleak. Isaac nodded politely and soaked it in.

The girl (who was worried about Isaac’s prospective future)  launched into a story about a guy who specialised in crime prevention for parks. The poor fool had been languishing in that specialisation for twenty years; She (and everyone else to be honest) feared that that was what awaited them post-graduation. That they would be stuck in a rut, that they would be doomed to peripheral jobs that were only available due to the fact that no one else wanted them. Pigeon holed for eternity as a specialist in crime prevention for playgrounds and parks.

Isaac snapped

Isaac: F*ck that parks guy! He’s lazy for not gunning for something else, that is NOT our destiny.

Isaac continued on an angry tirade. He said that they were all clever enough to gun for extra qualifcations, more knowledge and specialisations to ensure they would be doing things other than the mundane. He blasted the poor fellow who had made it his life’s work to ensure the public’s safety when walking through parks (Editor’s note: In fairness, it is a rather important job); and ensured his friends that they would be ok.

He knew they would be OK.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

I think I’m spending my time with all the wrong women

What’s up party people?

Isaac: Dude, did you see how the Battlefield 3 ad and the Tower Heist ad both used Jay-Z’s 99 Problems.

K: Yeah I did, I don’t get why though.

Isaac: It’s a pretty iconic song dude

K: Yeah I don’t get why they’d use it for Battlefield. It’s not like the people who play those games ever have girl problems anyway.

Isaac: I think lack of girls counts as a girl problem

K: Touche

I’ve been on break for a close to a month now. I haven’t done anything overly exciting. No sex scandals, no fisticuffs with intoxicated strangers, no walking into an empty cinema as two lesbians engaged in one of the steamiest make out sessions of all time (Editor’s note: Yes, this has happened BEFORE). All in all it’s been pretty routine for the best blogger in the world, and it goes a little something like this:

“Work, flirt, work, play video games, work, play video games.”

Naturally, the one that garners the most attention is the act of playing video games. To be honest, I expected that to be a point of discussion during my study on ‘Why I Suck With Girls.’

You see, there’s an unfair impression one falls victim to when they admit to others that they are a video gamer. Instantly, people assume (and by people I mean ignorant girls) that they are out of shape, don’t have any friends, immature, are nerds, virgins etc

Firstly, there probably are some out of shape, lonely, immature, geektastic and sex deprived people playing games.

Secondly, do I look out of shape, lonely, immature, geektastic and sex deprived?

*Awkward silence*

Ah f*ck. The point is various gamers have different forms of motivation. There are different reasons to play video games and that’s just something a lot of folk can’t seem to comprehend or want to. I play a lot because I have a ridiculous competitive drive that makes me want to compete in everything. I play games for the same reason I race across pedestrian crossings, I play games for the same reason I head to the basketball/tennis court, I play games for the same reason I carry a deck of cards around in my bag.

I love to compete.

Look…as we grow older, it’s getting increasingly hard to gather all my friends to play sports. We all have friends, families and other responsibilities that come before sweating it out with mates for a few hours (Editor’s note: INSERT GAY SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE). So video games (and more specifically, Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3) feels that void inside of me (Editor’s note: INSERT GAY SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE).

You know what item professional athletes often request for during road trips (other than prostitutes)?

VIDEO GAME CONSOLES.

They’re professional competitors, games just aren’t enough. They need to keep that buzz, that adrenaline rush flowing through them. Me too, I personally cite my competitive nature as one of the reasons I do reasonably well in academics. I’m always trying to win, and the only thing stopping me is me. To be good at games, one must have dedication, work ethic and drive, those characteristics also carry over to other aspects of life.

Also…think about it. A video game is a one off payment. You can play for hours on end after you’ve purchased (or illegally downloaded) the game. Going out constantly and spending money on food, drink and entertainment is a lot more expensive and often less fun (especially if you’re spending your time with all the wrong women. But that’s for another post).

So for me, it’s an excellent way to kill time and to keep my competitive fire burning.

Hold dat.

In fairness, how often do married couples have sex after they have kids? Hold dat.

Mother: You really need a haircut. Your aunt & I agree that you would look so much better with shorter hair.

Isaac: Ma, you’re almost sixty

Mother: No I’m not

Isaac: Ok whatever. You’re close, and so is auntie.

Mother: What’s your point?

Isaac:  I have absolutely no intention of catering to old people. I want someone my own age.

Swag.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Awkwardness ’09

Parties never were eighteen year old Isaac’s forte. He just felt awkward at all of them, it’s probably why he constantly wandered around with his camera in order to give himself something to do during social gatherings. He didn’t like sitting still (unless it was during a video game) so he walked around aimlessly, trusty Nikon in hand, looking for a moment to capture forever.

This current party was being held at Strathfield Park. For Isaac, it meant a lot more ground to cover and people being located in every corner of the spacious park.

He was getting weary and wanted to find a place to sit down. His eyes zipped around the park, friends were in all corners. He was having a Rebecca Black moment as one thought echoed through his head: ‘which seat should I take?’

He spotted a couple of girls near the swings. One he knew, one he didn’t.

He decided to go there, even though it looked like the two girls were engaged in what appeared to be a serious conversation.

The two girls did not see, nor sense Isaac’s approach.

As soon as he reached them, they spotted him and eyed him with expressions of contempt.

Isaac: Haha, I hope you guys weren’t talking about me

He had meant it jokingly, and was thoroughly suprised when the girl he didn’t know exclaimed:

Unknown girl: How’d you know we were talking about you?!

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Hate Sleeping Alone

What’s up party people?

“Hey y’all

I come to talk about this girl that had my love ya see

I went away for a while, and

She gave my love away, and

I really shouldn’t blame her

But now that pussy is a stranger”

One of the most obscene violations of the Bro Code is the dating of a bro’s ex. It’s a sin and punishment can range from repeated whipppings or the person being forever banned from bromantic poker nights that feature kegs on kegs on kegs of refreshing beer and flexible Ukranian strippers (Editor’s note: Do not ask him why it’s so specific). In an earlier entry; I mentioned some factors that would make it ok:

“- They were in a very, very short term relationship.

- It was a long time ago

- You have your friend’s (reluctant) consent

- We’re all adults now, we all have some baggage, this should not be a big deal whatsoever

In some cases, all of my points are valid so you should go ahead and bang the f*ck out of each other guilt free. However, look at that third point again, reluctant consent. At first glance, you probably thought I meant that your friend was reluctant because it’s just plain weird for him to see you dating his girl. Look at my point again though, why would he be reluctant?

Because they broke up.

Meaning there was a reason it didn’t work out, and it could very well have been something to do with her. As a bro, he reluctantly agrees to let you try your luck with her but reminds you to be cautious. Of course, he’s not free from blame, but neither is she. Entering a relationship with someone who has failed, with your friend (who you have a successful relationship with), is a huge red flag and frankly should not be considered in the first place.”

So why would I bring that up? Most folk think that this is the ultimate cardinal sin, I actually think that’s something else much worse, something that on a personal level, hurts a bit more. For me, I frankly don’t give a f*ck if you go out with one of my exes. As my friend, you know why it didn’t work out and if you think you can bring something different to the table, I urge you to go for gold.

You know what’s worse?

Can I get an epic drum roll please

*DRUMROLL*

Thank you.

What’s worse is dating one of your friend’s prospects that didn’t work out.

Allow me a few hundred words to clarify. What I define as a prospect is someone that your friend genuinely felt a level of affection for, but the circumstances didn’t allow them to become a couple. Or the girl just flat out rejected his Chinese ass whilst shuffling awkwardly to the LMFAO song that was playing in the background. The key difference between this, and an ex is that your friend had a chance with the ex and failed. With the prospect, they didn’t even get a chance to get a chance…that’s way worse for me.

Again, this is likely to only apply for me since most people do not fail with so many girls. I’ve failed with so many girls that you could probably gather them all up and assemble a calendar, entitle it ‘A Complete History of Isaac’s Sexual Failures,’ and sell it for $8.95 (Editor’s note: Again, don’t ask).

It’ll happen soon, I have some good looking and charming bros and the girls I’ve liked in the past are all really nice (Editor’s note: He means it, he’s not calling them ugly). So when it does happen, I’ll probably give my bro a dap, maybe an epic high five.

But I sure as Hell won’t be buying them a Ukranian lap dance from Svetlanka.

Someone said that my demotivational posters were getting more and more sleazy. To that I say....you are correct sir.

I’m working on another research report, and by working on I mean thinking about it. However, this one’s a lot harder to piece together because of a lack of sample. It’s a lot easier to find people willing to go on record as to why they would reject me than for this topic.

I will now lock myself in a small room and put Justin Bieber’s album on repeat to torture myself.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Hand ’10

Parties were the epicentre of drunk encounters. For some folk, alcohol was the key that helped unlock themselves from their shy and conservative exteriors, it is with alcohol that they can unleash their inner extroverted and friendly selves. They then converse with fellow alcohol consumers, making best friends within minutes and starring in enough photos to show their kids someday when those same children accuse their parents of never being cool (Editor’s note: What parent shows their kids partying photos…silly Isaac).

It is also in this state where some people make bad decisions.

In nineteen year old Isaac’s bed, one of the inhabitants was beginning to stir after what was a very long night.

***

Isaac opened his eyes slowly, it was still early in the morning as his room was still shrouded in darkness. He felt a hand on his chest and was suddenly very, very confused. He had attended a friend’s birthday the previous night, he had clicked with a few females, but he did not recall doing anything about it. What was also very confusing was that his head throbbed, he did not recall drinking anything but water and lemon lime bitters.

He did not know what to do, he merely stayed in the same position for a while with his eyes open.

He took a quick glance out of the corner of his eye and saw that the blanket was pulled way over the pillow, covering the person’s face.

Sighing, he knew he couldn’t delay it any longer. He stretched and felt the hand on his chest disappear.

Confused he rose up and sat on his bed, his eyes were adjusting to the dark and he realised the person in his bed was of a slender build for their mass barely registered.

Wait.

Isaac pulled aside the blanket with a flourish and saw that there was no one there. He touched his chest with his left hand and it all made sense.

The idiot had simply been lying on his own hand.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Are we Dating? Are we F*cking? Are we Best Friends? Are we Something?

What’s up party people?

“When you’re ready, just say you’re ready

When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy

And the parties over, just don’t forget me

We’ll change the pace and we’ll just go slow

Won’t ever have to worry,

You won’t ever have to hide

If you’ve seen all my mistakes

So look me in my eyes”

I’m not sure whether I should thank everyone that read my last POST about why I suck with girls. On one hand, I find it very flattering that y’all bothered to plow through that 2000+ word document about my lack of talent wih the opposite sex. On the other hand…y’all borthered to plow through that 2000+ word document about my lack of talent wih the opposite sex and that information is now in the open.

Not that any of it was a secret by any means, but still.

For those that did read it, you might have noticed that I was relatively tame when it came to my comebacks. That was deliberate, I was trying to write it from an objective standpoint and not allowing my (obvious) bias to shine through. Also, I knew I would have a chance at writing a longer rebuttal because….well it’s my f*cking blog so let’s f*cking go:

The Hair

Four out of seven girls highlighted my (bad) hair as one reason they’d find it easy to turn away my advances. This is far from new information for me. Throughout the years I’ve been told it was a bowl cut, a Bieber cut, a mushroom cut and that it also looked like I had just asked my mother to hack away at my mop with a pair of kitchen scissors.

Firstly, kitchen scissors are an underrated utensil.

Secondly…sigh, ok. Other than a brief period during my senior year of high school (where I rocked a red side fringe); I’ve had pretty much the same haircut my entire life. The only variances have been the colour and the length, I abide by the old adage of: ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’ You must keep in mind that I was roughly the size of a young killer whale throughout my youth and that haircut allowed me to look more human.

I had a conversation with my sister yesterday and she told me I needed a haircut cause I had a long face (Editor’s note: Out of respect and  fear of legal action, Isaac will refrain from making another Sarah Jessica Parker joke). I was shocked because I was under the impression I had a round face because there are people that still pinch my cheeks. You’re probably thinking:

“Dude, you’re a f*cking horrible writer.”

Or

“Dude, you have access to mirrors, how can you NOT see that?!”

Well er…I see myself differently I guess. And yes, I am getting a haircut soon. Not because of the feedback, but because I’m finding it hard to see through my curtain fringe again. You haven’t won yet trolls.

Not Family Oriented

This is a misconception. I love my family, we’re a flawed bunch but it’s the bunch I was born with. One of the happiest days of my life was when my nephew was born, I’ve never been more proud of my sister than the day she gave up her thug life (Editor’s note: This is not a joke) and decided to study (Isaac’s note: She’ll kill me if I divulge her UAI). I respect the Hell out of my parents for migrating to a country where they only knew one person and didn’t know the language. Hell, they’re relatively successful and they still don’t know all twenty six letters of the alphabet. I think my cousins are amazing, my grandparents belong in the elderly pantheon of legends with Yoda, Colonel Sanders and Mr Miyagi.

It’s true that I don’t spend a lot of time with them. My old man’s not at home, my sister lives with her own family now and my mother is enjoying life. Me? I’m out there grinding and cleaning popcorn.

I’m going to regret writing this, but f*ck it. One of the reasons I was so motivated throughout university was that my grandparents wanted a photo of me in a mortarboard. A legitimate one of course, so I made sure I graduated. Time is limited man, and my grandparents have never had the opportunity to see one of their grandchildren graduate from a university. That’s what I’m about.

Hold dat.

BTW; I consider my closest friends family. So if you don’t think I put in time with them, than that’s an entirely different conversation.

Friends with too many Girls

Swag.

Miscellaneous 

Here are some of the reasons I expected to be mentioned that were missing:

- I still live with my mother

- I work at a crappy job

- Too much emotional baggage

- Is pretty much as Asian Ned Flanders (I don’t get angry and I use annoying catch phrases-erino)

- Overly bromantic

- Eyebrows

- Had a crush on Paris Hilton

- You have a f*cking blog!

- I’m an undermining dude

- I’m a gamer (In my defence, it’s more because I love competition than anything else)

- I hold grudges

These might have been overlooked for various reasons such as the participants not wanting to come across as too bitchy, forgetfulness, didn’t want to offend me, didn’t want to be hypocritical, didn’t want to suggest too many negative things in case I found out that they secretly aspired to murder me in my sleep.

Sh*t.

Ok. I know this post came across as a salty guy giving everyone that gave him constructive criticism the finger but bare with me. I loved my friends for giving my constructive criticism for a self study; I wouldnt’ve asked them to do it if I didn’t know what I was doing. Besides, as you can see, I had a lot more reasons in mind than they actually provided. Hell, I could probably list off another three dozen if I wasn’t scared that my future wife was reading this right now and bolting her doors.

One more thing, during the distribution of the question, I was sort of hoping someone would exlaim: ‘But Isaac, I wouldn’t reject you!”

Didn’t happen.

So I’m going to move along now..

Based

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Karaoke ’08

A large contingent of Chinese folk were chowing away in a private room located in the corner of Zilver restaurant. It was the birthday of a family member, naturally the entire extended family united to celebrate (and to enjoy the free food of course). Seventeen year old Isaac ate ravenously as he had consumed nothing during the day in anticipation of  the banquet that awaited him at nighttime.

His entire family (on his mother’s side) was present in the lavishly decorated room. It had a large television screen at the front with a karaoke machine attached, and several large tables where dozens upon dozens of plates of food were resting. Isaac continued his vicious assault upon anything within reach alongside his family.

Eventually; most of the food disappeared and conversation began occurring in all corners of the room. Soon, even booming conversation started to wane.

Then silence.

The younger members of the big family then decided to crowd around the karaoke machine and the party woke up once again. Isaac watched, slightly amused, as members of his family began belting out ballads; rapping old Jay Chou songs and even screeching out old Chinese opera songs. Members of Isaac’s family began attempting to persuade him to join in as they had seen photos of him in various karaoke rooms as of late (Editor’s note: Isaac then proceeded to delete every family member off of his Facebook).

Sighing, Isaac consented.

He looked through the songs available and decided to sing a classic. Usher’s: You make me Wanna.

The beat started and Isaac started singing. He went hard, singing the chorus with gusto and bravado of a live performer. Then; he realised he had forgotten how to sing the rest of the song. Sure, the words were staring at him on the screen, but he was trying to sing a classic, not read off a blackboard. He hummed through some of the verses and raised his voice once the chorus hit again.

He did not realise the unintentional comedy of singing a song about wanting to leave a woman for her friend in front of his entire family.

He had no idea his voice did not sound as amazing as it did when he was in the shower.

The song ended and Isaac’s family were looking around at each other not really knowing what to do. An embarrassed Isaac vowed to never go to karaoke with a member of his family ever again, and his embarrassed family vowed never to let Isaac get within a meter of a microphone ever again.

(Editor’s note: A photo of the performance can be seen HERE)

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Why I suck with girls

What’s up party people?

“You know how when you talk to some people about past relationships and they’ll give you a number; then they’ll proceed to tell you about some other folks that didn’t count because it wasn’t serious or didn’t go long enough? Well, I actually think that every relationship I’ve ever been in qualifies in that category, but if I didn’t count them, then it would appear that I have never had a girlfriend in my life.”

I’ve been hard at work for the past hour and you’re about to see why. A while ago, I talked about coming across a trailer of a film in which a guy interviews all his ex girlfriends as to why they broke up with him (Editor’s note: Trailer is HERE). I thought that was a fascinating premise and have been mulling it over for a while wondering how I could possibly run with it. Then it hit me, though I have broken up with a couple of girls before, I have been rejected by a lot more.

A lot more.

The question is why?

In order to find out why, I decided to use the research skills I have developed over my time at university and *GASP* write a research report on why my lack of prowess with girls is so disturbing. And yes, this is going to be a long entry, enjoy!

Sigh.

Introduction

Whenever a break up or a rejection occurs; most victims often hurl insults at the other party and blame their lack of chemistry (or catastrophic event) that led to the eventual end of the saga. It is rare that the victim genuinely looks at themselves in the mirror and asks themselves:

“What about me led to this?”

Since 2009, Isaac’s record with the ladies has been abysmal. In all honesty, his entire track record with females has been below par since inception. Pretty sure even his sister detested him upon first glance. Anywho, since 2009, he’s had two relationships. Which would be perfectly fine if they were long term committed ones but altogether they went for as long as two Kardashian marriages. Not a good look. From the beginning of 2009 until now (November 2011); he has pursued a total of four girls and converted one of them (She’s probably shaking her head right now wondering what she was thinking, or possibly enjoying a nice meal with her current amazing boyfriend). That makes a conversion rate of 25%….Isaac will now proceed to slam his head against a wall.

 It has become so dire (he hasn’t been in a relationship for two years) that a debate has emerged about whether his prowess with females is as bad as his mathematical ability (Isaac’s note: In my defence, I got a band five in my last formal maths exam. No female has touched my business since *CENSORED CENSORED)

Background

He grew up with a sister six years his elder which should’ve provided some added insight into female psychology (even though it’s a possibility that the teenage version of his sister was batsh*t crazy). They had a relatively open line of communication so lack of information was never a problem for Isaac. Perhaps, this might only have aided his ability to be friends with girls and not assist him in become a boyfriend for girls. He went to coed schools for both elementary and high school; which one would assume benefits one’s interactions with females; but this research argues that it only benefitted his ability to befriend girls and not help the conversion process (girl = friend as opposed to girl + friend = girlfriend).

Which leads to….

Research Questions

In order to gauge what makes Isaac so unappealing, it is necessary to form a foundation for the following research report via research questions.

-          What factors make Isaac an unappealing partner?

-          How can Isaac rectify his situation?

-          Does he really give a crap?

Hopefully this framework will allow us to gain an insight into why the self proclaimed ‘best blogger alive’ has pretty much been living out an Adele album.

Methodology

The sample of the study consisted of seven twenty year old Asian girls. Data was collected via face to face interaction and via SMS. The sample was limited due to time constraints and a lack of budget (Isaac’s note: I’ve gone over my phone cap for the past two months. Diu). Participants were asked the following question:

“I’m researching something right now so be real with me ok? If I was to ask you out, why would you reject me? Other than the obvious reasons (you don’t like me, you already have a boyfriend). E.g. I have crappy hair and don’t drive. And yes, I have sent this to multiple people.”

Results were then sorted to look for commonalities/trends because Isaac suddenly has a ton of free time on his hands and refused to do anything productive with them.

Results:

Girl #1:

- Hair

-  Don’t drive

-  Ex’s best friend

- Too skinny

- Not family oriented

- 99% of my friends are girls

- Always pays

Girl #2:

- Female magnet

- Doesn’t hate anyone

- Not family oriented

-  99% of my friends are girls

- Always pays

Girl #3:

-  Not on the same par

- Doesn’t understand me

Girl #4:

- Not desired height

-Too skinny

- Hair

- Prioritises friends over family

- Has no desire to get married

Girl #5:

- Don’t drive

- Don’t drink

- Like taking photos too much

-          Always logical and reasonable, never shown any sort of spontaneity

Girl #6:

-          Hates feeling like they have to dress up around me

-          Not a beach person

-          Poor eating & sleeping habits

-          Can’t imagine having sex with me

Girl #7:

-  Friends with too many girls

-       Don’t drive

-          Not close with parents

Discussion

Ok, f*ck it. I’m writing this in first person now because I’m tired of letting third person Isaac pretty much pee all over me. Firstly, the results can’t be 100% accurate due to the fact that all participants are dear friends of mine and may have been conscious of hurting my feelings. Also, due to the fact that they are close friends, it is likely that they see less flaws in me than the normal female prospect would due to the fact that they are already used to said flaws.

With all that being said, there is clearly a lot of data to work with.

In addressing the first research question (What factors make Isaac an unappealing partner); it is clear that my haircut appears to be a major concern amongst females as three out of seven participants mentioned it. Four also mentioned the fact that me being unable to drive is a major issue (as it affects how often I can see a person). Something I failed to predict (yes, I am well aware of my personal flaws) was that family would prove to be a talking point. Four of the participants cited the fact that me not being a family oriented person could hurt my chances. Five out of seven girls also cited aesthetic and physical traits (hair, height, weight, dress sense, can’t comprehend having sex with me) as major factors into why they would snigger at my proposal. Only one girl cited a personality characteristic as being a detriment (not being able to understand me).

The second research question was how do I rectify all of this? Well, it’s actually pretty simple. According to the data; all I have to do is get a haircut, join a gym, and get my driver’s license (which I fully intend to do…eventually). Becoming closer with my family is slightly more difficult for a myriad of reasons that I’m not ready to divulge as I’m scared that ASIO will burst through my front door as soon as I hit the publish button.

Now, the meat and potatoes of this research project. The final research question was: does he really give a crap? The answer is yes & no. Obviously I care, if I didn’t I wouldn’t have even bothered conducting the research in the first place. I mentioned earlier I know what flaws I have, but that’s from my perspective, even though I could hypothetically put myself in someone else’s shoes, some of them can still surprise me. The reason I don’t care is the sample I used…they’re my FRIENDS, I have absolutely no romantic feelings for any of them.

Another reason I do care? They’re my friends, and they hit the nail on the head with a number of observations that I failed to take into account. The type of girl I go after is one that is ready to settle now, not one that still has some teenage stuff to get out of her system. That type of girl is a lot more likely to reject me due to the fact that I’m not a fan of marriage as opposed to the fact that I have a bowl haircut. Also, because I often am the voice of reason in my circle of friends, I am very, very rarely spontaneous. That same girl who’s willing to commit long term and settle down might still want some sparks in that relationship; no successful relationship has ever been based solely on consistency and routine; you need some sparks dude.

Conclusion

Unlike Michael Jackson, I still have some comebacks left in me. I like my hair, I absolutely hate having short hair and have no idea why girls seemed to be so enamored with it. I think girls are more obsessed with the style than how it suits the person (in this case me). Other than that, I completely agree with all the other observations, but I am also a little saddened. Most of it was about physical traits, I don’t know if that says more about them or me, but according to the data THAT (along with the lack of ability to drive) are the main reasons I spend Friday nights singing Adele’s Someone Like You in the corner of my room whilst eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

This study could’ve been improved if I had implemented a larger sample size and maybe if I had spent more than five minutes talking to the participants.

Another observation that the research questions never really discussed was that whether girls actually had an honest internal monologue similar to this prior to every decision. I personally don’t think most girls my age do this, some probably do (Shout outs) but most probably don’t. Apparently a nice face, body and car will do the job. Did I just insult my sample in a backhanded sorta way? Yes, yes I did; then again they’re my friends and nearly all of them called me an anorexic guy with bad hair so hopefully y’all forgive me.

This research is all in line with something I wrote previously as to why girls actually reject males. To all the girls reading this, please, please, please be honest with the next guy you reject. Simply telling them that you like them too much as friends, or that they’re like brothers to you serves no purpose whatsoever. How is that constructive criticism?

Think about it like a job interview, if your prospective employer informed you that your application was unsuccessful but you were really, really well qualified but still didn’t get your job, you’d lose your sh*t. If they told you, it’s due to the fact that your personal prerogative is not what our company is about, or that your writing skills aren’t up to par, then you can do something about it.

Stop being bitches.

One last thing. Yeah, I’ve been single for a long time, it’s unheard of in my generation for a guy to be single so long unless he’s a recluse or not interested in having casual sex. I’m actually the latter, I have no interest in getting my rocks off frequently if its not with someone I can see myself with long term. Sure, the girl I meet at a club might be a gorgeous individual who’s just there to blow off some steam after a long, hard week; but it’s also possible that she’s just there with a bunch of girls who’ve recently gotten out of long term relationships who just want to f*ck the memory of their ex-boyfriends away.

Not my thing. I want a woman who’s into conversation on a Friday night, a quiet movie on a Saturday and maybe a picnic on Sunday. I want a woman who understands that my love of competition and desire to prove myself is the reason I still play video games. I want a woman that will pat me reassuringly as I lose a game of poker for the umpteenth time when I’m with the guys, I want a woman that the guys approve of. I want a woman who ain’t threatened about the fact that most of my closest friends don’t have penises.

I know what you’re thinking, a lot of girls are naturally insecure and jealous, it’s normal.

I don’t want normal.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Can’t deny that I want you, but I’ll lie if have to

What’s up party people?

S: She’s nice….er…she’s funny.

Isaac: Holy sh*t dude, you just described a girl as nice AND funny. She must be really ugly.

S: Er….

- I know, I know. Where the f*ck have I been? I’ve been slaving away at work trying very hard to suppress my homicidal urges (Editor’s note: Er…to any prospective employers; I swear he’s joking. Sort of). and trying even harder to force a smile. I personally think I have one of the most awkward smiles on the face of the Earth; it feels like I’m just baring my teeth like a dude who needs help from someone else to use a toothpick.

- I did find time to fulfill a childhood DREAM though.

- Blue V is mother f*cking CRACK.

- Confession: I pulled out a calculator the first time I heard Drake rap ‘the square  root of 69 is eight something right?’

- The inner machinations of many dudes in their mid-twenties: the quest to live life to the limit, not just survive a nine-to-five; the balance of carnal desires with sincere compassion for women’s feelings; the struggle to act responsible when all you want to do is blow your paycheck on lap dances, liquor, and weed.

- I’ve been told to settle down three times in the past two weeks. Nope, still not doing it for the sake of it. Sorry girls.

- I’ve seen Drive (Editor’s note: Trailer HERE) twice since it was released in theatres. For girls who don’t want their image of him from the Notebook tarnished, do not watch it. Everyone else should; it’s the least generic movie I’ve seen in a mighty long time. I went in there expecting Transporter and left with a very, very traumatised girl on the verge of tears walking along next to me…and it was not from anything I did.

- During my last semester at UNSW, I’m not going to lie, I went hard (Editor’s note: INSERT ERECTION JOKE HERE). In my mind, there was no point leaving anything on the table. I wanted to do really well, see what I was really made of. My lowest mark (still awaiting the result of one major assessment) was 75. I think I did pretty well. There have been a lot of times during my academic life where I made a lot of excuses and took a lot of shortcuts…and when the results came I’d use those reasons to explain why my results weren’t exemplary:

If I hadn’t worked as much I would’ve gotten full marks

Man, the tutor hates me

I don’t give a f*ck about that subject

Pretty good considering I didn’t study 

Hmph, I did it in a day so hold dat sh*t

The square root of 69 is eight something, right?

No. No more of that sh*t, I think I used to use those excuses because a part of me was worried. Worried that that was my best, that I’d get the exact same results even without all those things holding me back. A lot of people do it cause they’re worried that their confidence is unfounded and without basis; well…I think I’ve proven that I can do OK.

Hold dat.

Heh

“My life became a lot better when I started looking at it as more of a comedy as opposed to a drama.”

Yep, that’s one of my quotes. Think about it.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Wait ’11

Though various tertiary institutions stressed the importance of attending lectures, a large portion of students generally turned a deaf ear towards those claims. Lectures were often skipped in order to sleep in, catch up with friends, hook up with fellow students and for various other reasons. Twenty year old Isaac rarely attended lectures anymore though for none of the aforementioned reasons; he mostly skipped in order to dedicate more time towards assessments. He was a big believer in self learning, tutors and lecturers were there to facilitate, Isaac could teach himself.

And yet, there he was in the lecture hall.

However, it wasn’t so that his lecturer’s voice would accompany the slides he could access at home. It was for cake. The lecturer for this subject (CRIM3007 -Cybercrime) had promised her students cake if they attended the lecture.

Class was scheduled to commence at ten o’clock. Naturally, Isaac arrived fifteen minutes before class started.

The wait commenced.

And he waited. And waited. And waited.

It was quarter past ten and there was no sign of the lecturer, more importantly, there was no sign of cake.

Distressed, Isaac wondered aloud as to how long students were supposed to wait before deciding that class had been cancelled. An unknown classmate (apologies, I don’t know everyone’s name) answered:

Unknown: We’re going to wait two hours cause she said there’s cake!

And eventually, cake (cherry strudel) was enjoyed by all!

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Over my dead body

What’s up party people?

“It’s crazy man. Here’s the thing: I haven’t been able to write any love songs because I haven’t been in a relationship in like three years. When I hear, even going back to Ocean, like girls are so endearing and charming … I’m like, damn I can’t write like that right now! My songs are like, I’m the man, bitch, I made it. I made you who you are now take a shot for me! That’s a song on my album. I can tell you were practicing, that all those other men were practice for me. Those are the types of songs I’m making. This music with sex-driven chauvinistic undertone to it.”

- Today’s opening quote is from an interview Drake conducted whilst on his Take Care press gauntlet. It’s crazy because I feel the same way, every now & then I get the desire to write something about how amazing it is to be truly infatuated with someone, how you look forward to spending time with them and how your peripheral problems just take a backseat when you’re in their presence. The nerves you feel, the innate consciousness of not making a fool of yourself on a first date…yeah; those things are very hard to do when you haven’t been in a genuine relationship for two years.

- Once again, shout out to everyone who reads my posts. Seriously, I love that y’all give a sh* about the sh*t I write whilst half asleep and feeling mopey.

- Lost in the shuffle in my last Drake heavy POST was the fact that my main man Childish Gambino’s album also dropped on the same day. I haven’t listened to it as much as I have with Drake’s album; but it’s pretty dope as well. For everyone who doesn’t know, Childish Gambino is Donald Glover of Community fame. And yes, the boy can rap.

- A recent meme concerning disgraced HK movie star Edison Chen has come to my attention (Editor’s note: You can see it HERE). Full disclosure: Moving Targets (also featuring Nicholas Tse) is one of my favourite HK movies of all time; as a kid, I used to think Edison Chen was pretty cool but I assure you my view is not completely biased.

For the uninitiated, back in 2008 Edison Chen’s computer was hacked and photos of a sexual nature featuring several high profile Hong Kong celebrities were leaked onto the internet causing a crazy hysteria with the HK media and also caused my mother to subscribe to roughly fifty HK gossip magazines. The fallout was unprecedented for HK stardom, Edison fled HK for a week and returned to make an apology (for some reason he decided to issue the apology in English instead of Chinese. In Hong Kong nonetheless). Then he decided to quit the entertainment industry and fell off the map.

I understand the outrage. The females celebrities implicated in this situation suffered immensely, there was shame..there was divorce…pretty sure there were angry parents involved too.

What baffles me is why Edison was instantly vilified. If this had happened in America, it would’ve led to roughly one million ‘Edison Chen is my f*cking hero’ blog entries. You know what it all reminds me of? Leonardo Dicaprio…the dude has banged pretty much every decent looking socialite he’s ever come across and no one ever throws verbal grenades at him. Hell in America, leaked sex stuff seems to net you endorsements and a reality television show career (Editor’s note: Isaac used to have a crush on Paris Hilton).

Look…I’ve seen the photos. None of the girls looked coerced or intoxicated, they obviously gave their consent to partake in the acts and to have those acts recorded. Edison had his computer hacked, it’s not like he released all the photos in conjunction with the launch of his own reality show; his career went down the drain and all his endorsement deals went belly up.

Final point….that meme I linked to earlier? The same people that posted that on Facebook were also very keen to get a glimpse of Kim Kardashian when she made her appearance down under (Editor’s note: In Australia; not on her knees…not that we know of).

Hold dat.

For the record; I respect the Hell out of her for being able to generate incredible amounts of income without having any discernible talent.

When you’re ready, just say you’re ready

When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy

And the parties over, just don’t forget me

We’ll change the pace and just go slow

Won’t ever have to worry,

You won’t ever have to hide

If you seen all my mistakes

So look me in my eyes

I’ll be here.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Question ’02

(Editor’s note: This ranks in the top ten of Isaac’s most depressing moments in his lifetime)

Ask most primary school children and they will tell you that substitute teachers are the best. They’re a lot nicer than their regular teachers, they force less work upon you, they don’t introduce any new confusing subjects to the kids, and they’re just more relaxed. They don’t have to deal with the day to day stress the regular teacher has to deal with, and most of the time, the kids aren’t as bad because they’re trying to feel the substitute out and see how far they can go.

Eleven year old Isaac’s class was doing the latter. They were currently playing a word game that tested their vocabulary and Isaac was dominating. The game involved the substitute teacher providing a definition of an infrequently used word (for kids in year six anyway) and the class was to try and guess which word he was alluding to. Isaac, who read quite a lot, was dominating the game and went on a streak in which he identified four straight words.

As the fifth definition was provided, Isaac thought about it for a second before his hand shot up once more.

The subtitute teacher was intrigued by the chubby Chinese kid with a bowl cut who appeared to have a decent vocabulary.

Teacher: What’s your name?

Isaac: My name’s Anthony (Editor’s note: This was before his name change)

Teacher: How do you know so many words?

Isaac: I read a lot

Teacher: Ahh I see…did you make it into selective?

Isaac’s head went down…he hadn’t.

Isaac: No…I didn’t.

Teacher: Oh.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

If you let me…I’ll take care of you

What’s up party people?

“How I’m feeling, it doesn’t matter

Cause you know I’m okay

Instead, I ask myself “why do you hurt me?”

When you know, you know I’m the same

I know, I know that you love me baby

Time to take you away from me

Only over my dead body…”

To most people, the 7th of November was nothing more than 7-11 day in which they could visit their local (or not-local 7-11) and get themselves a free small Slurpee. For me, it was the day I finally got to listen to Drake’s new album Take Care. My friends and long time readers of Part Boast, Part Confession know that I’m an unabashed Drake fan. I’m guessing out of the nearly seven hundred (!) posts I’ve scribed, at least three hundred have had a Drake reference in them. Whether it’s the title taken from a track, or a verse posted as an opening, it’s pretty clear that Drake has had a huge influence on my life.

The question is why?

What do I, a twenty year old Chinese dude from Strathfield have in common with a half black, half Jewish Canadian rapper?

This might be the dumbest sentence ever written by me (Editor’s note: Sh*t, the amount of sentences that are eligible for that title could fill a book thicker than Atlas Shrugged) but I think his career mirrors the last three years of my life. His first mixtape appropriately titled Room for Improvement was just raw, he was trying to figure out what sort of rapper he wanted to be and experimented with beats and flows. My first few blogs were f*cking awful…the only reason people read them was because they were curious as to how I wrote and most shook their heads in disgust and disappointment, the main reason people listened to Drake’s early mixtapes was because they knew him as the Wheelchair guy from Degrassi.

His second mixtape was entitled Comeback season and it showed what direction he wanted to take. He rapped with  more authority, the content was better and he was gaining attention based on his lyrical talent. Me? Er…I started putting demotivational posters on every entry and people paid attention to those.

From that point on, with the 2009 mixtape So Far Gone and 2010′s platinum selling Thank Me Later, Drake had finally arrived and he had a tonne to say. His music was relatable, a blend of bravado hip hop with emo R&B that girls and guys could listen to. For me…I started developing a formula, shedding stupid Blogging cliches like telling people what I had been doing during the day and treating this ish like Tumblr; and I actually started getting praised for it (Editor’s note: For the record, I think that Isaac is a f*cking horrible writer. Decent ideas and premises, but terrible execution. Whatever, my opinion doesn’t mean anything).

But yes…the content, especially about women, was stuff that I was going through.

So for today’s entry…I thought I’d let a better writer sort of control the flow of this entry…and if you haven’t figured it out by now you might as well close the tab. Go on, I’m not going to be like Samara from the Ring and pop out of your screen. The following are going to be excerpts from Drake’s latest album and why I connected to them…and yes, I completely ignored the context of some of the songs just for the purpose of getting some sh*t off my chest.

I’m just so far gone right now.

(Editor’s note: This won’t all be about Drake….)

I'm not being a perve. This is based off the Best I Ever Had video....Ok I'm kinda being a perve

Alright, let’s begin:

I think I killed everybody in the game last year man, f*ck it I was on though (Track 1: Over My Dead Body)

For me, this was when I was beating everyone in my first semester of university. A lot of people sneered and undermined my achievements by pointing out the fact that I was doing a less prestigious degree (the recently renamed Bachelor of Criminology and Criminal Justice); fair enough I guess. I was doing psychology and whooping ass in that too so y’all can hold that. The point is I was ON; I was still pissed off about the HSC, still pissed off about being treated like a second class university student and it became my prerogative to just shut everyone up. Now I have that degree, so again..hold that.

I never cheated, for the record, back when I was with you, but you believe in everything but me girl, I don’t get you (Track 2: Shot For Me)

The three funniest accusations that have ever been lobbed at me in no particular order. First, two very, very salty girls accused me of being gay. Second was when I was accused of cheating on a spelling test back in year two when I was reading at a high school level…and third was when I was accused of cheating. We’re friends now, and she means the world to me….but that doesn’t mean the accusation is any less funny.

She says I know you changed, I never see you, cause you’re always busy doing things (Track 2: Shot For Me)

I haven’t seen my extended family much the past two years. I’ve been too busy grinding it out trying to graduate on time, earning money at the Ritz and getting cancelled on like a playboy subscription once people started realising there was free internet porn. I didn’t even get to see my grandparents one last time before they returned to China because I was under the impression that lectures were compulsory back in first year. Damn.

I might be too strung out on compliments, overdosed on confidence (Track 3: Headlines)

I’ve toned down on the arrogance and confidence that bordered on delusional. I know what I can and can’t do and that’s the sole source of my confidence these days. Back in the day though….man….

And really, I think I like who I’m becoming (Track 4: Crew Love)

Self explanatory….I’m glad to wake up everyday and be me. That’s based.

I’ve asked about you and they’ve told me things but my mind didn’t change; I still feel the same (Track 5: Take Care)

My friend described me best: “Isaac, for a smart person, you become incredibly dumb whenever girls are involved.”

I’m just idiotic whenever vagina is involved; it’s true. There was one girl back in the day where I learnt so much about her accidentally and it didn’t deter me at all even though it looked like I was willingly lying down across train tracks. And yes, I got run over, because I didn’t f*cking listen and use my head. Look…people ask me why I write; and I usually tell them because I enjoy it. It’s what I do; I have fun scribing stupid puns and reminiscing about moments that shall never be repeated.  I also do it to remind myself not to repeat mistakes….and hopefully help someone else avoid the pitfalls I fell into.

I just want y’all to take care.

I think I’m addicted to naked pictures and sitting talking about bitches that we almost had (Track 6: Marvin’s Room)

For the record, this is my favourite song on the album and one of my favourite songs of all time. It’s so emotionally raw. For most people, it will remind them of when their exes finally moved on with their lives and re-entered the dating world. You’ll see them with their new boy/girlfriends and you’ll either glare angrily at how well they’ve done for themselves or cackle at how badly they’ve downgraded.

For me…This just reminds me of how I was always looked over for someone else. Not because I felt that I was superior; but…(Editor’s note: He just punched his table angrily) just the fact that I put in so much work and wasn’t picked. The key line in the song: “I’m just saying you can do better,’ is more of a reference to the fact that I really should stop lingering upon my failures…I CAN do better than just sitting angrily in my room trying to figure out why she went in a different direction.

At least I hope so.

It’s been two years since anyone’s asked me who I was (Track 7: Underground Kings)

This is my fault. I take photos of too many people, you can’t help but notice the photographer. And with that comes a certain reputation…one of an attention whore, one of a social butterfly and a fraudulent alias in which I’m a popular dude. I’m not, I’m just the guy that documents what the popular folk do. I’ve found it hard meeting new people as of late…it still happens of course, but…it’s hard to start fresh, a lot of girls I meet this year will have heard SOMETHING about me….and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

Couple things due but you always get it done (Track 9: Make Me Proud)

Throughout my entire education thus far, I take pride in the fact that I’ve never handed anything in late. No matter how dire the situation looked; I always showed up when the lights were on. I love the pressure, when everyone’s feeling stressed, I feel that adrenaline flowing through me. The creative juices start bubbling and the work ethic increases by ten fold.

This one’s for all my stressed out ladies:

I know things get hard
But girl you got it, girl you got it there you go
Can’t you tell by how they looking at you everywhere you go
Wondering what’s on your mind, it must be hard to be that fine, when all these mother f*ckers wanna waste your time
It’s just amazing, girl, and all I can say is…

I’m so, i’m so, i’m so, i’m so, i’m so
I’m so proud of you
I’m so, i’m so, i’m so, i’m so, i’m so
I’m so proud of you
I’m so, i’m so, i’m so, i’m so, i’m so
I’m so proud of you
Everything’s adding up, you’ve been through hell and back
That’s why you’re bad as f*ck and you know you are

I know that showin’ emotion don’t ever mean I’m a pussy
Know that I don’t make music for niggas who don’t get pussy
So those are the ones I count on to diss me or overlook me (Track 10: Lord Knows)

If you’re a ridiculously good looking stud who bangs chicks on the regular, good for you dude. No, seriously, I respect what you’re doing and acknowledge your prowess in an area that I have shown to have little to no talent in. However, my blog doesn’t cater to Edison Chens/Barney Stinsons very well….I fail more than I succeed when it comes to girls, and as I’ve said earlier I’m just trying to figure out where I went wrong and maybe assist other people in the process.

The thing with me is, I’m not trying to get my numbers up. I’ve never been a fan of statistics (Editor’s note: INSERT JOKE ABOUT ISAAC BEING HORRIBLE ABOUT MATHS HERE); believe it or not, I’m trying to settle down. I’ve been told to do that twice in the past two weeks and I keep telling people that I’m not just going to settle down with any random set of boobs; I gotta make sure we’re the right pair….and that she has the right pair too.

Sorry if my content doesn’t cater to your playboy/Sex and the City lifestyle; I’m catering to everyone else.

Good ones go, the good ones go if you wait too long (Track 11: Cameras/Good Ones Go (Interlude))

I’m not nearly hot enough to have girls on the hook. However…there are….maybe two girls who I’d be first in line for tomorrow if they ever decided to settle down. Earlier in the year, I even half jokingly said I’d marry one of them…HALF jokingly…and I’m not even a fan of marriage.

When a good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world
It’s just the end of a world, that you had with one girl
And she’s the reason it happened (Track 12: Doing It Wrong)

My brother in law came up with a general rule that you should date at least seven people before finally settling down. I’m not saying I’m an advocate, I’m just reiterating something he told me when I was younger. If only he had said nine…if it was nine, I could’ve said that one’s love life is like a solar system in which they’re the sun and that you have the planets revolve around you on a constant basis…that sounded way better in my head.

Please be careful, bitches got the rabies (Track 13: The Real Her)

Heh, I think that’s a good way to end things.

Take care everyone.

(Editor’s note: There are six other songs he failed to mention, please check out the album. It’s a classic)

Until next time folks! Stay classy!