More Stuff Asian People Like!

What’s up party people?

So instead of talking about how euphoric I am about having completed my undergraduate studies (Editor’s note: He’s working on a 3000 word entry for that one); I’m going to continue reinforcing Asian stereotypes because it’s a Sunday and I don’t have work ’til tonight.

So let’s get this sequel going!

(Editor’s note: Part I is HERE)

(This list was inspired by my favourite bacon hating Blonde, who linked me to the site Stuff White People Like. Check it out!)

(Isaac’s note: The following is not meant to be offensive; but a satirical look at cultural constructs and stereotypes within Western society. Seriously though, just enjoy it).

- Taking photos of food

Just look around on Facebook; there are currently more photos of frozen yogurt; fine dining course; street food and other miscellaneous morsels than semi-naked photos of females. That’s a freaking travesty; Hell, there’s even a guy on Facebook that has an entire photo album dedicated to….wait for it…..mother f*cking SANDWICHES.

- Sons

Having a daughter is stressful. The worst case scenario for a female (ends up being a coke sniffing stripper); keeps fathers and prospective fathers up at night. Even though Western society has made an effort towards gender equality, this is not as widespread in Eastern cultures. There is still a (false) perception of male superiority in all areas when women clearly look better in bikinis than their male counterparts. I personally feel the world needs a lot more females cause the more there are, the better odds of their being another one dumb enough to date me. Hiyo!

- Boy bands

For Western civilisation, boy bands died as soon as most people realised that most boy bands consisted of one half decent singer…and four dudes who were there to fulfill roles. The tough guy, the guy next door, the bad boy, the good dancer etc. ‘Nsync was really Justin Timberlake and the gang…can you name the other members without having to google them? Anywho, boy bands are still going strong in Asia; and I’m not really sure why. Er…GOT IT! The majority of Asian boys are not that good looking. They have bad hair, bad skin, bad teeth and sometimes all of the above (Editor’s note: Oh, hey Isaac. Didn’t see you there). So, Asian corporations make these boy bands, make it appear as though they are talented (singing, dancing) and make sure to stick as many good looking dudes on the bands as possible.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

A youtube comment from the first video that currently has 115,482 likes:

“wow. very nice quality. (which mean can see their face clearly!! <3 ) wonder why so little people watch from this. LOL.”

The prosecution rests.

For the record; I want it that way is one of my favourite songs of all time.

- Girl bands

Read the Boy Bands section…and substitute every instance of boy with girl. Oh, and did I mention girls look way better in bikinis? I feel like it’s important for you to know that.

- Basketball

In the immortal words of Lil Bow Wow:

“Basketball is my favorite sport, I like to dribble up and down the court.”

David Stern, the commissioner of the NBA, was quoted as saying there are more basketball fans in China than there are fat people in America. That’s a lot of basketball fans.

- Kobe Bryant

You know which NBA player all those Asian fans regard as the best? Kobe Bean Bryant. Even though most basketball journalists a.k.a psuedo experts consider LeBron James the best current NBA player, he’s nowhere near as popular as Kobe Bryant in Asia. It’s because Asian cultures have a much firmer grasp of history, and attention spans that span more than-OMG DID YOU SEE THAT FLY THAT JUST ZIPPED ACROSS MY ROOM?! Holy sh*t!

Er…yeah. Chinese folk remember Kobe dominating with Shaq, winning three NBA championships in a row, then proceeding to 35pts a game in a season (he also scored 62pts against the Mavericks, and a ridiculous 81pts against the Raptors). They remember him winning two more championships, then lifting Team USA to the gold medal in 2008 as well. They don’t give a crap about Lebron looking like he’s going to break every age-related record ever, they care about the number of championships a player has.

Oh and BTW, Kobe visited the Phillipines lately with a group of other NBA all stars and was paid $400, 000 dollars to play one game. Asians love Kobe Bryant and are willing to pay to see him.

- Eating Asian food

My mother eats out a lot. I don’t remember the last time she decided to cook; she buys groceries just for kicks now cause I’m the only one that uses them. Anywho, the most exotic cuisine she’s ever sampled is….Vietnamese. That was one time; mostly because I was craving pho and all my friends were busy. Other than that, all she ever eats is Chinese food at different Chinese restaurants. The older generations all suffer from a little bit of xenophobia and aren’t as adventurous I guess….or they really like sweet and sour pork, I don’t know.

- Karaoke

I had a discussion about this once, and the following is my theory as to why Asian people love karaoke:

“Umm…I think it’s because…and this is a massive generalisation…Asians are usually reserved; so when you give ‘em a microphone, a beat and some alcohol…hilarity and off key singing ensues.”

And also…where else can an Asian dude rap to Eminem without looking like a complete douche?

- Louis Vuitton

My aunt once genuinely considered buying a Louis Vuitton mahjong table. Let’s move on.

- Getting married at a young age

I think the current generation has shifted away from this a little (my older sister who got married at nineteen is eyeing me angrily right now); but back in the day man, you pretty much had a forever alone image stamped on your forehead if you weren’t hitched by your early twenties and working on that baby. Now? Most girls I talk to (I didn’t talk to any dudes about this cause most dudes have a natural urge to avoid marriage) don’t plan on walking the aisle until their mid twenties cause their empowered and want to make something of themselves before settling down. Personally, I think that’s great…you can fill in the blanks.

- Gatsby

Did you watch any of those boy band videos from earlier? If not, go back, don’t worry I’ll wait.

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Back? Hey!

Well, you’ll notice all those dudes wore really cool blazers and that at least half a dozen of them were wearing guy-liner. You’ll also notice that their hair never moved..at all; that’s due to hair product affectionately (and officially) known as Gatsby. It’s styling wax, not like that stupid gel those idiots on Jersey Shore use. It’s used to spruce up flat Asian hair styles and looks pretty cool when done well; even some females use it for….actually; I have no idea why females use it.

I personally hate it cause it makes me look like I haven’t washed my hair in three weeks. Damn.

- Anime

DRAGON DRAGON, BLOCK THE DRAGON, DRAGON BALL ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

- Rosewood furniture

If you’ve ever been to my house; you’ll notice my lack of couches in the living room. There’s a tonne of rosewood furniture where a comfortable set of couches should be; my parents love how it accentuates the Asian vibe of the house. The set was bought for a sum I’m too scared to write due to the fact it’s absurdly high for chairs that are very uncomfortable to have sex on. Sigh.

- Tea (Yum Cha)

For all my non-Chinese folk ‘Yum Cha’ literally means to drink tea. We have a whole meal that centers around the consumption of a beverage…I guess the white folk equivalent of that would be binge drinking on a Friday night and waking up on the lawns of UNSW (Editor’s note: That was a shot. HOLD DAT).

- Hello Kitty

Asian folk love anime, and any form of animated object. A cartoon cat with no mouth? Quick, make as much paraphernalia with that as possible. I just typed Hello Kitty stuff into google images and the following items popped up:

Hello Kitty beer, a Hello Kitty toaster, a Hello Kitty dress (Editor’s note: For real) and a freaking life size Hello Kitty house.

Dayum.

White Girls

This topic is what spawned WongFu Productions.

We’ve all seen white dudes with Asian girlfriends; but how often do you see the opposite occur?

At least five of my male friends have gone on record as saying that dating a white girl is on their bucket list. Hell, I have never ruled out that possibility even though it seems that I’m only ever attracted to Asian girls who enjoy toying with my emotions, spending my money, patronising me and threatening to destroy my sanity.

…..Too much?

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And that concludes my list for now; thanks to everyone I talked to, thanks to everyone who actually bothered to read it (Side story: A friend of mine at work asked me if I had seen that demotivational poster featuring the four Asian dudes dressed in all yellows with yellow cars; he didn’t realise that I was the one who had posted it with the first part of the list. Swag) and thanks to all my fellow yellow people for being swag-tastic.

Oh and SWAG = Something we Asians got.

SWAG!

Until next time folks! Stay classy!