Stuff Asian People Like

What’s up party people?

I know, I know. I’ve been gone for a while and you’re all clamouring for my words of wisdom, amusing anecdotes and quintessential quotes to add a spark to your lives. Wait what, you haven’t noticed my absence? Well…alright then let’s resume regular scheduled programming!

Actually, let’s not. This is a concept I’ve been bouncing around ever since a friend of mine at work mentioned it to me. So first and foremost; shout out to my girl SK for inspiring what is sure to be one of my greatest posts ever ’cause sh*t is about to get serious. One of the worst things about our society is stereotypes based on ignorance and a lack of desire to research. So we believe stupid generalisations like ‘black people like chicken and are good at basketball, white people can’t dance, Mexicans fake injuries in order to get worker’s compensation and Asians are ridiculously good looking, intelligent and the world would be a better place if we ruled the world.

Yeah, stupid sh*t like that.

So when my girl SK linked me to the site Stuff White People Like; I knew what I had to do.

I didn’t google Stuff Yellow People Like.

I decided that whenever the next time someone googled that phrase….they’d find the following list.

开始!

YELLOW POWER!

(Isaac’s note: The following is not meant to be offensive; but a satirical look at cultural constructs and stereotypes within Western society. Seriously though, just enjoy it).

(Editor’s note: The following things are things that people think Asian people like but really we don’t: Jackie Chan, Communism, Cambodia, Parents, Eating pets)

- Pearl Milk Tea

Easy Way, Chatime and Happy Cup back in the day have all capitalised on the love Asian folk have for pearls in their drinks. Well, sometimes it’s jelly, but the premise is the same…sugary milk tea with some tapioca balls swirled in for deliciousness. One only has to walk up and down George Street in the CBD and they’ll realise that the number of milk tea joints rival the number of McDonalds and 7-11s combined…yeah it’s crazy.

- Sticker photos

After the death of film and polaroid cameras in the mid nineties, I honestly thought sticker photos would die out with them. I was wrong, polaroids have experienced a mini resurgence with a niche demographic (Asian females who can’t stand how horrible they look on DSLRs which boast megapixels in the teens); and sticker photos remain popular due to the beautifying effects that come with them. Not going to lie, even I’ve taken some recently.

- Dying their hair

The only Asians that don’t dye their hair are the ones with crazy, Nazi-esque parents and the smart ones. My hair has been the following colours: light brown, dark brown, red, light brown with blonde highlights, dark brown (again), blonde then black.

Kids; don’t do it. Unless you’re hiding greys, then go nuts.

- Coloured contacts

I have a couple of theories on why Asian folk dye their hair and why they wear coloured contacts; firstly; some harbour a strong desire to look like Super Saiyans (Editor’s note: That still doesn’t excuse the time he dyed his hair blonde). Secondly, I think some Asian folk DON’T want to look like Asian folk…so they dye their hair, get coloured contacts and try to look as white as possible. I’m going to call it the Michael Jackson theory.

- Branded stuff

Story time. My parents are obsessed with brands when it comes to anything technology and fashion related; brands = reputation; and a good one is essential in their books. Way back in the day, our television break so my folks went to an electronics warehouse to purchase a replacement. They returned home a few hours later with a brand new Palsonic television; their English was never strong, but they thought it read Panasonic and they jumped on how cheap it was.

They also own a lot of Aoidos sweatpants.

Good times.

- Painting their walls rice yellow

Isaac: Hey Ma, why have we always painted our walls rice yellow?

Mother: What do you mean?

Isaac: Every house we’ve ever lived in, the walls were painted rice yellow….why is that?

Mother: I….don’t know

- Thick eyebrows

Apparently they’re a sign of power. Well; that would mean I’m f*cking Superman. Funnily enough, whenever I get a haircut and happen to see an older family friend; they comment on my thick eyebrows. Sigh, I will now attempt to eat my own arm.

-Height

Speaking of family friends, another thing they’ll always comment on is how tall I am. Asians are obsessed with height, I think is due to the fact that the average height for a male in rural China is 166cm (about five and a half feet or my American friends). To put that in perspective, Justin Bieber is about 165cm. That pretty much means rural chinese folk are midgets; when I was visiting the rural areas back in year eight, I looked like freaking Godzilla tearing down Tokyo.

- Gambling

Next time you’re in a casino, take a good, long hard look around the place and make a mental note of the ethnic make up of the place. I don’t care if  you’re in Vegas, Sydney, Melbourne or Macau. You will see a tonne of Asian folk attempting to convert their mathematical powers of probability into cold, hard cash.

- Mathematics

Any douchebag with a keyboard can write (Editor’s note: Exhibit A); however a calculator doesn’t guarantee mathematical prowess. Mathematical ability is what separates those who claim they are smart (eloquent, articulate folk like me who read) from genuinely smart folk that can answer questions like the following:

A game is played by throwing darts at a target. A player can choose to throw two or three darts.

Darcy plays two games. In Game 1, he chooses to throw two darts, and wins if he hits the target at least once. In Game 2, he chooses to throw three darts, and wins if he hits the target at least twice.

The probability that Darcy hits the target on any throw is p, where 0 < p < 1.

(i) Show that the probability that Darcy wins Game 1 is 2p – p[squared].

(ii) Show that the probaility that Darcy wins Game 2 is 3p[squared] – 2p[cubed].

(iii) Prove that Darcy is more likely to win Game 1 than Game 2.

(iv) Find the value of p for which Darcy is twice as likely to wine Game 1 as he is to win Game 2.

For the record: that was extracted from this year’s HSC 3 unit mathematics exam. And also for the record, I stopped reading as soon as it got to ‘p’

- Rankings

This is especially important when it comes to education, back in the day when I actually showed my parents how my marks, they would completely ignore the raw percentage and see what my class standing was. It wasn’t always good you see….another example, when news outlets started reporting that China’s economy might be the biggest in the world, my parents would consistently mention to acquaintances that China was now the number one country in the world. Go figure.

- Education

James Ruse Agricultural High School is the best high school in NSW according to their rankings in the HSC over the past..what…hundred years or so? You won’t have to look very far down the list before you see the name of that school, almost always numero uno like an annoying Katy Perry single. You know what the median UAI (Editor’s note: Now known as ATARI. Heh.) for the class of 2005/06 was….99.20. That’s f*cking obscene.

Anywho, the school is dominated by Asians. Nearly every parent in NSW that put their kids through tutoring prior to the selective examinations put James Ruse as their first preference due to the fact that it was widely considered the best high school in NSW; when the median UAI could double as #1 overall for any other school…that sh*t is probably true.

- Chicken feet

And that’s why other cultures think we’re weird. My take…don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.

Stay tuned for part II.

(If y’all have any ideas, drop me a line on Facebook or leave a comment below).

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

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