I respect a woman..but this b*tch is crazy

What’s up party people?

“Tiers are an attempt by players to classify characters in a game by their competitive ability. They can be found in any game with variable characters, including Pokémon and Super Smash Bros. The existence of tiers can be controversial as skill usually has more impact on the outcome of a match.”

In layman’s terms, a tier list is  a list which ranks every character in order of strength. The list usually consists of several categories (God Tier, S-Tier, High-tier, mid-tier, low-tier); in Pokemon the highest ranked Pokemon on the tier list are the ones with insane stats, powerful status effects and strong movesets. I think that out of the 25 Pokemon in the highest tier, about 80% of them are legendary. So you know that trainers who carry six Pokemon from this tier are either ridiculously cheap, or dead serious about winning.

And in Starcraft? The Tier list goes…Terran, Terran and then Terran because Terran is f*cking hacked.

So…why am I putting my nerd characteristics on display?

Well, I’ve had this idea in mind for a while…but I didn’t think it was possible to write well until today. I’m going to write up a tier list consisting of….wait for it…FEMALE CHARACTERISTICS.

More specfically…they’re going to be negative characteristics, put in order of bad….to absolutely f*cking painful to bare.

This is based on conversations I’ve had with many, many people over the years based on their own personal experiences and hearsay…and I get the final call in terms of ranking and severity because let’s face it…I run this b*tch. Another note, all of these could potentially be less/more serious depending on the specific situation, but I’m going to try and keep it basic and general so that everyone can relate. If you feel like I’ve made a grave error in judgement, drop me a line and I’ll see revise it a little (Editor’s note: It’s a lot more likely that he’ll read your opinion, scoff and yell out “I’M THE BEST”)

Ready?

(Editor’s note: This is going to be longer than the Great Wall of China)

Ok, starting from Low-Tier (Bad, but not so bad that you need to down three shots of Vodka before every time you have to see her)

Can’t cook

For me, this characteristic ranks a lot higher but I was getting roasted (no pun intended) by my friends for putting too much stock into this characteristic. Call me sexist, but I kind of like my girl being able to cook for me because I love food, and if i love her….her being able to cook would pretty much make her the centre of the Universe for me. However, this is barely a problem as there are these establishments called ‘restaurants’ that apparently employ people who make really good meals and spares you and your girl from having to clean up after yourselves. What a great idea!

Not Funny

Again, I would’ve put this at least in Mid Tier but it isn’t that big of a deal for the general public. I crack jokes more often than Lindsay Lohan gets pulled over for speeding tickets so my girl giving me at least a pity giggle is important to me. Also, I f*cking love comedy…and if she insists on taking me to anything but the latest Apatow production..well..diu. Anywho, this really isn’t that big of a deal…is it? F*ck, I need to give this some more thought.

Let Herself Go

My brother in law hates it when I show him old photos of my sister. Not old as in back when she was a toddler and still learning what she could and could not eat, but photos of her during her senior years of high school and shortly afterwards. He genuinely forgot that my sister was once thin enough to be mistaken for a pole vault; on the flip side though, my brother in law’s a pretty awesome guy and he genuinely doesn’t care. When he looks at my sister now, he sees the mother of his child and someone who whips up three delicious meals per day. So he ignores the fat that comes from rearing a child and the manky hair of someone who dyed it constantly as a teenager. That’s love right there (Editor’s note: Isaac lobs at least four fat jokes at his sister everytime he sees her cause hey….it’s his job).

Mid-Tier (Maybe some alcohol will help….)

Being Shang

Er….let’s move on

Annoying friends

I think there’s a facebook page that’s something along the lines of: “A relationship should involve two people and no one else.” Well, that’s a sweet premise; and I somewhat agree that friends should butt the f*ck out. Sure, they can offer advice to whoever when asked, but don’t run interference unless it’s f*cking major. I actually had this ranked in S-tier in an initial draft, but then I thought to myself…annoying friends are only a problem if the couple let them be one…which admittedly applies to every problem on this list. Maybe this tier list was a bad idea.

Nazi parents

Similar to ‘annoying friends’ with one fundamental difference. Friends can’t really stop you from seeing anyone…Hitler-esque parents can if the child allows them to reign over them. Again, this can be ignored, but it’s a lot more difficult since you can get new friends, but not new parents. One of my closest friends has some of the strictest parents ever (Editor’s note: Yes, yes she is Asian) but her boyfriend understands and they deal with it pretty well which is why this is just a mid-tier problem.

Hope everyone had a nice Father's Day last sunday!

High-Tier (Hard liquor anyone?)

Nosy

Not to be confused with jealousy, this is when your girl is constantly sticking her beak into other’s people affairs. Look, I love it that you care so much about one of your Facebook friends’ relationships, but please..can we just focus on us and leave the gossip to the magazines? Yeah, I made an executive decision to put this in high tier when most of my friends (female ones) said this was a low tier problem at best…but trust me, I want to talk to my girl about our lives and people she cares about…not what some random did at some club last week.

Clingy

I’m probably going to cop a bunch of flack for this list so I might as well just go H.A.M. on y’all. I will defend clinginess to the death (Editor’s note: Here’s what he’s written on it BEFORE).

You know how your mother would call you as soon as the sun went down and demand where you were back in the day? Well, it’s because she thinks there’s a likelihood that her beloved child could get mugged and anally penetrated against their will without natural sunlight having lit their paths

Well…boy/girlfriends can kind of be like that too.

It’s a sign of care. Extreme in some cases, but at it’s core…it’s because they well and truly give a crap. Still, it’s in high tier because extreme cases are really f*cking extreme.

Jealousy

I will defend this to the death as well (Editor’s note: Ironically, Isaac was far from clingy or jealous during his five minutes as a boyfriend).

I think this well resonate more with girls but whatever…you know how y’all are only really allowed to have one BFF? Then, for whatever reason you start spending a lot of time with another girl and your time with the original BFF declines as a result? The original BFF gets all salty, says she’s been replaced, that she misses you, and that she doesn’t hate the new girl (even though she does) it’s just that she wants to spend time with you as well.

That’s pretty much every person’s reason for jealousy ever. Save for the crazy people this blog does not cater to.

S-Tier (Grab me another f*cking bottle)

Social

This is a f*cking plague in our age group. This is something most of my bros agreed should either be S-tier or even Uber-bitch tier because of the ramifications. Admittedly, this is probably because a lot of my boys have some trust issues (I’m not excluding myself). However, this is definitely a problem. You know how sometimes you go to a party and spend half the time catching up with friends, and the other half holding hands with your girl? Well, a girl who is overly social will disappear as soon as you get to the venue and not re-emerge until you’re about to leave.

They socialise a lot and good for them, but at the root of some cases (some, not all) is that…they LOVE being away from you for a bit, that they consider the relationship a cage and a party is their liberty. They ain’t ready, so they indulge in as much attention as they can…obviously the dude cops some of the blame, but this is a problem. It means that one, if not both parties aren’t ready to commit to each other because they still have some youthful stuff to get rid of.

A lot of people will be scratching their heads at this, but a few will be nodding knowingly and swearing under their breaths.

History of cheating

This was contentious to say the least. This ‘problem’ spent time in every single tier during my initial drafts; mostly due to me channeling my high school spirit; because even back then I didn’t give a crap about the subject of history (Editor’s note: He fist pumped after this joke). However, my friends say that girls who have cheated before behave differently from ones who have never strayed the path. Sh*t, I think my friends and I have a lot more baggage than we’re read to admit. I think it boils down to the age old adage: ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I personally think this is a non-issue, but fortunately, I’ve never been cheated on so I can’t really say.

Gold digging

In defence of gold diggers…why not? Some people like a guy for their looks, for their sense of humour, maybe for a certain feeling that only they can cause within. Why not go for someone because of their financial security?

On the flip side…there’s a Kanye West song that puts all Gold Diggers on blast and I very rarely, disagree with Yeezy when it comes to issues involving women.

Uber Bitch-Tier (Where the drugs at? )

Not over her ex

(Editor’s note: Can also be some guy she liked, some girl she had a thing with at band camp, even a celebrity crush.)

At this point in my life, there is no one that is not lugging around some form of emotional baggage. No one. Someone who reflects on their past too much, loses sight of the present and future. Someone who still bares the scars of a failed romance, or even one that did not get off the ground, can be toppled over with the slightest touch or lack there of. A relationship with someone like that is very easily combustible. It can blow up in your face…and not in a good way (Editor’s note: Er…can anyone think of a good way in which a guy can get blown in the face?)

Not Ready to Commit

If you don’t want to read anymore of my writing, honestly I don’t blame you, go and watch (500) Days of Summer for a visual example of what I’m about to go into. Seriously, I don’t mind, go an lose yourself in the eyes of Zoey Deschanel for about two hours and come back to this. Anywho, I am of the opinion that I am way too old to play relationship games (Editor’s note: The sentence was originally: I am way too old to play games; and then he realised that his playstation controller was right next to him and restructured it). Anywho….this is frustrating and could be an offshoot of a number of problems already metioned and yet to be mentioned. All I’m going to say is…it really, really sucks when one person is willing to commit and the other person isn’t. I will now light myself on fire.

(Editor’s note: This was originally in S-tier, and then in high, then back in S-tier before being swapped with Gold Diggers. Isaac changed his mind at least 40 times when compiling this list).

Trust issues

Do I think this is the biggest issue when it comes to relationships? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Why? Because every problem except not being able to cook, zero sense of humour and being Shang is just an offshoot of a lack of trust. I’ve always said that an open line of communication and a sense of trust is the best foundation for building a successful relationship. I still agree with that sentiment, and by the way, I first uttered that sentiment when I was in year nine…so yeah, I’m sticking with fourteen year old Isaac on this one.

If you don’t trust your girl, on to the next one.

Honourable mentions

Daddy issues, low self esteem, horrible dress sense, is only friends with guys, vegan, hates your friends, nothing in common, too much in common, her name starts and ends with the letter A, has dated a friend of your’s, feminist, still in school, prude, dabbles in drugs, doesn’t speak English, likes Twilight.

Yes, I know this might not reflect your beliefs and opinions. Hell, I’m sure I’ll disagree with it if I ever decide to reread it. If you read the whole thing..thanks a lot, this was absolutely exhausting to write and I have downed two cans of V in the space of an hour trying to get this out.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!