I tried. You tried. We tried.

What’s up party people?

“I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think “That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.”

I’ve had a very interesting day to say the least. My best entries are always inspired by some form of conversation with a friend, usually a female, and boy am I feeling inspired today. As soon as I left her, I was feeling so buzzed and rushed home so that I could write with all my thoughts still fresh. I ran up the stairs as soon as I was back like a dude rushing to use the bathroom, I’m pretty buzzed.

There are a few things I know for sure:

- Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time (let me know when Kobe becomes a reliable teammate and can adapt to an offensive situation that doesn’t involve him handling the ball all the f*cking time)

- Pods make excellent breakfast cereals as long as you don’t intend on getting any nutritional benefit out of breakfast

- There will be at least three Sex and the City references in this post because I feel like setting my soul on fire and Sarah Jessica Parker’s legal team is all up in my ass.

- Female human beings are one of the most perplexing species in the world.

Do you want to know what one of the differences between a child and an adult is? Adults, the mature ones anyway, deal with their problems head on because it’s what they are supposed to do. Suppressing an emotion, an inkling, a thought is not the right thing to do if it burns you up inside. A child lets it build up, a child lets it become a massive snowball that ends up rolling over everyone involved.

I don’t know who to blame for this phenomena of avoiding problems until they’re too late. So as I was striding home with my head in the clouds, at first I thought it was high school English’s fault (Editor’s note: Reading between the lines instead of taking things at face value), then I walked into a pole and cursed my lack of attention. Then it hit me, it was my fault that I wasn’t paying attention, and it’s your fault that you don’t deal with your sh*t when you should. Did I deserve to bruise my knee? Abso-f*cking-lutely.

A child bitches and whines about problems to anyone but the other person involved, scheming, planning but not ever actually doing anything constructive or productive. An adult sits down and has the hard discussion necessary to salvage the friendship/relationship.

Yes, the potential for arguments is there. Some arguments are advantageous to the parties involved because problems are put out in the open. The odds of someone changing and adjusting might be low, but better low than an absolute zero.

Admittedly some arguments are stupid like:

“I hate you for always cooking for me, I want my unhealthy fast food damn it!”

“HOW DARE YOU DRIVE ME AROUND TO PLACES! I like the smell of urine on trains”

“I hate it when you don’t answer my calls when you’re asleep, you shouldn’t sleep too deeply!”

(Editor’s note: There’s a reason for this list, more after the jump)

Look, I’m no saint. The reason I broke up with my first girlfriend is because I behaved like a child, she was great to me, but there were some things she did that irritated the Hell out of me. I never mentioned them because having those conversations are hard and I was a coward. When I eventually did bring it up, she felt blindsided and she had every right to be. I was a conniving little son of a bitch that was half dead on the inside but would smile whenever she spoke, dishonest is an understatement.

So please…stop being children, that phase should’ve concluded by the time the final season of Sex and the City ended and when we donned our big boys and girls pants in the real world.

Pants can be a good thing

(Editor’s note: Devil’s advocate view on everything he just wrote: if you’re not a fan of confrontation and want to force someone into breaking up with you. Do everything listed, bitch about them, ignore problems and your relationship will be over before you know it. Yay!)

Funniest reason to get mad ever, one of my dearest female friends got annoyed after her boyfriend bought her something that she had been planning to buy for herself. At first my mouth just dropped ’cause I naturally empathised with the dude’s rationale which I thought was something along the lines of:

- It’s really, really rare to know exactly what a girl wants so might as well take advantage of it

- Spares her from spending a copious amount of money

- He was rather considerate as he listened to her talking about what she wanted as opposed to taking a flyer on something she’d dislike

- It was their freaking anniversary!

In her defence:

- She much rather he thought of something himself

- She used the Samantha reasoning. For everyone who’s seen Sex and the City 2 (Editor’s note: Shame on you guys); do you remember how she wanted that ring really badly, and then got all upset when her boyfriend bought it for her. She thought it was a fraudulent way to acquire what she wanted, sort of like passing an exam because you cheated as opposed to studying really hard.

- She wanted to properly earn her own reward as opposed to having it given to her

- She now had to think of something else to spend her money on as opposed to buying what she had her eye on.

No, I didn’t make that last point up.

I surveyed half a dozen females and most of them thought that the girl had fairly solid reasoning (that suffragette: “I DON’T NEED A DUDE BUYING ME SH*T mentality) but also acknowledged the considerate and sweet nature of the dude.

Thoughts?

(Editor’s note: When he first heard the story, he made more facial expressions than Jim Carrey does in every movie he’s in)

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Agent ’11

To any objective bystander peering into the small tutorial room on the second floor of the Electrical Engineering room at UNSW, they would say that twenty year old Isaac looked bored; that he looked tired and that he would want to be anywhere but in that room at that moment. That bystander would be wrong, Isaac’s mind was racing…its just that his mind was way too busy formulating crazy scenarios that it forgot to activate the muscles on his face that would give him a cheesy smile or even a dazed and confused grin. Instead it was just glazed over eyes and lips firmly pressed together as his classmates chatted animatedly around him.

He snapped out of his comatose state as his lone Criminology/Criminal Justice (Editor’s note: Yeah, UNSW changed his degree title. It sounds like a legitimate degree now) bro entered the room. They exchanged a handshake and began talking about random BS. Eventually, Isaac zoned right out and his bro proceeded to tell another friend of their’s about his life. He heard snippets of the conversation, words like: “alcohol…went out….shirt,” nothing solid…just random words you’d find on a Scrabble board.

Then he heard:

“Girlfriend”

And an exclamation.

Isaac: DUDE, DID YOU SAY YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?!

P: Yeah well…we’ve been seeing each other for a while now

Immediately, everyone in the vicinity began bombarding Isaac’s bro with questions. The two of them exchanged bemused looks, Isaac then pointed at him nodding, then the point changed into a slight fist pump ala Michael Jordan

Isaac: Alright, alright..I’ll be taking on all questions from here on out, leave my client alone

(Editor’s note: Isaac probably just wanted people to ask him about a girlfriend since he hasn’t had one in two years. OOOOOOOH HOLD DAT).

(Another Editor’s note: I can’t believe he actually used Sex and the City references, add this post to the list of ‘reasons Isaac might be gay’ along with the fact that he owns A Cinderella Story on DVD).

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Realised that I’m lonely, act like I never miss ‘em.

What’s up party people?

C: Is it a sex term?

Isaac: Yes

C: I can’t believe I’m about to learn a sex term from Isaac

- One of my favourite songs of the year is  ’Marvin’s Room’ by my main man Drake. There’s one line it that I always bring up whenever the situation comes up, that line being: “I’m just saying you can do better.” Some of my friends look at me sympathetically (Editor’s note: Because he’s retarded) because they see it as a sign that I’m still salty about a girl picking some other dude over me. However, as I was rolling around my bed this morning and uttering that line…I realised that it was really about ME being able to do better. That is a great way to wake up.

- You know how Jason Derulo yells out his name before the start of every song? Who would you want to see do that as well? Personally, I’d pay up to three digits to hear Adele do it in a long, drawn out fashion similar to how Mariah Carey used to hit every note e.g. Aaaaaaaa-dellllllllllll-whoooooooooaaaaa.

- Two years ago, I was asked (Editor’s note: No one asked him anything, this was on one of his stupid Facebook notes) what I felt was my biggest downfall, this was my answer: “Believing my own hype, and trying to do too much. At a certain point, i began believeing all the positive things people said about me, and just ignoring all the negative things. Well, not completely ignoring them, just using them as motivation as opposed to using them to try and improve. And yes, sometimes i place unrealistic expectations upon myself that lead to a lot of “diu”

And yes, all that still applies.

- I find it hilarious, and slightly disturbing that some of my friends are still completely reliant upon their folks. Meaning they still don’t know how to do laundry, don’t know how to prepare their own food, don’t know what day the trash goes out (Editor’s note: Isaac forgot two weeks ago. That was brutal) and haven’t adapted to adult living even though the government assumes they are one. Look, everyone progresses at their own rates, that’s fine; and I’m sure some of them truly believe they’ll make it big and that they’ll be able to hire cleaners and cooks to work for them. Still….those skills kinda come in handy don’t you think?

I wrote this a while ago:

“The difference between a child and an adult are the roles they fulfill. Kids are akin to buckets who require the assistance of adults who in this analogy are taps. Kids just mooch that water whilst adults simply get drained.”

Stop being children. I will now continue playing video games and drinking soda from a straw.

Ninja skills help too.

This is what I want in my relationship:

Someone who laughs at my jokes,

Someone who likes my quirks,

Someone that turns me on

And..

This is the most important part

These three people wouldn’t know each other

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Brawl ’96

A child who grew up watching Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers might fancy themselves as heroes, they might think they had a good grasp on the distinction between good and evil, Hell, they might even think that skin tight costumes were the way to go. Or, they might not ever think of any of these things and just enjoy the visuals….kinda like five year old Isaac. He fancied himself a brawler: he had a belief that he could triumph over any foe as long as he jumped around and yelled out heroic lines such as “for justice, for freedom, i shall defeat you villain!”

***

He wasn’t yelling out anything discernible anymore, for reasons long forgotten, Isaac found himself in a bout of fisticuffs at school. When one is in a fight, everything sort of goes into slow motion, you imagine yourself in one of the greatest confrontations ever seen on the planet Earth as two combatants duke it out for whatever reason. However, due to an objective bystander, this was just two small Asian kids with bowl cuts trying to get a hit on the other.

Eventually, someone did get a hit in.

And it wasn’t the kid who watched Power Rangers on a daily basis.

Isaac’s nose was suddenly bleeding, several girls who had been watching the fight yelped and grabbed the bleeding brawler and began to lead him to the school office.

Yes, the loser of the fight ended up with the girls.

All is fair in love and war. Casualties expected.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

When all is said and done, more is always said than done

What’s up party people?

So I kiss your hand and tell you “Thank you” 
You turn and ask me what for 
For our first kiss, on next week 
For when we make love, in six weeks 
For the ring you wore proudly three months from now 
For when you said “I do” next March 
And for those beautiful children of ours 
Yes, I know it might sound strange ’cause we just met 
But I thank you in advance 

- Greatest article not written by me EVER. It harps on a number of points I’ve been regurgitating relentlessly during my tenure on this blog like: “If you take out the romantic connection, those two people would still hang out like nothing had changed.” You can’t be having sex 24/7/365 (Editor’s note: If you can…kudos); so there are bound to be times in between sessions of magical f*ck where you actually have to converse and do things that involve keeping clothes on. THAT MEANS BEING FRIENDS, WHICH MEANS FRIENDS MAKE GOOD PARTNERS. Why the f*ck am I the only one that gets that?

- I’m glad Taylor Lautner’s movie appears to be horrible. That would mean I can avoid having to deal with the excited yells and constant giggles his fan girls emit whenever they’re in my cinema since he only has two movies left in his career. Sorry buddy, guess you should’ve taken the X-Men: First Class role.

- Kate > Pippa Middleton. It’s not even a debate, I have no idea what y’all are talking about.

- “You look like my first wife. And nope, I’ve never been married.”

- A great, violence free method to deal with cheating girlfriends and disloyal bros

- What would your last meal be? I have no sympathy for his crimes, but his choices did make me nod begrudgingly.

- I don’t care if you’ve seen it a dozen times, own the VHS and the DVD, y’all need to catch The Lion King 3D pronto. Great movie, ridiculously good soundtrack (three of the songs used in the movie were up for best original song in the 1995 Oscars) and 3D actually enhances the movie’s already spectacular visuals. You know how most 3D movies are ridiculously dark (best example is Harry Potter and the Warner Bros is trying to Milk this Franchise to Death Part II), well The Lion King is as vibrant as ever.

Gotta f*cking love it, and yes 3D movies are quite the wallet drainers…but here’s some advice to all my female readers; next time a guy even expressed moderate interest in you and asks you out, suggest that you guys go to the movies, select the Lion King, go to a nice restaurant and never give him even the slightest inkling that he has a chance with you.

There you go free movie & a meal, feel free to rinse and repeat as many times as possible until the f*cker tries to make things exclusive.

Who said I never gave practical advice?

Keep your pimp hand strong fellas (this message was sponsored by Chris Brown)

A while back one of my friends told me that her little brother had been ‘dumpster diving’ the other night.

Naturally, I thought that her brother had been cruising the slums trying to pick up trashy girls. I was wrong, the guy had been literally going through bins looking for items still in their original packaging that had yet to go off.

This little confusion inspired the following ambiguous terms that I’m sure I will be using at least 3-5 times per week.

Resume Padding:

When a bro/broman decides to date as much as possible to rack up experience and to impress future candidates. E.g. Bill decided to go resume padding in order to prove to Shaniqua that he had sufficient experience.

Dumpster Diving

When a bro/broman decides to go after a trashy target, possibly to get his/her mind off things, possibly cause they like it dirty. E.g. James went dumpster diving and woke up with Kesha the next morning

Bargain Hunting

When a bro/broman decides to go after someone easy E.g. Isaac was bargain hunting and found himself on a date with Paris Hilton

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Gum ’11

Twenty year old Isaac Lai did a lot of things Michael Jordan did. He ran backwards in that legendary gait, arms swinging, slight smirk ever present. He would clutch his shorts whenever he was in a defensive stance, and he would stick his tongue out whenever he was exerting maximum effort. If you wanted to copy anyone, you might as well copy the best.

That is why at this moment, he had his tongue out as he dealt a pack of playing cards. He was playing a (not so) friendly game of Big 2 with a friend he had no intention of humiliating himself in front of. She had started on a big winning streak with Isaac barely being able to fend off what seemed like a massive loss, but he had started to get into his stride and had suddenly pulled ahead by quite a bit. During the games, he had been chewing on a piece of gum that was quickly losing it’s solid form.

Another win, and his gum had become a fine paste in his mouth.

He shuffled the cards, gave a wink to his flustered opponent.

He was trying to think of a way of getting rid of his gum in a cool manner. A few seconds later, he realised there was no way to get rid of his gum in a cool manner. It was pretty much liquid in his mouth now, and tasted awful.

F*ck it

Isaac swallowed what was left of his gum.

And just like Jordan, he didn’t choke.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Analyzing the world, fantasising about girls

What’s up party people?

“What we had? It was sick, it was an obsession. And now it’s over.”

- I’ve been dying to use that opening quote for ever since I heard it two weeks ago. It was from an episode of Two Guys, a Girl and A Pizza Place (Editor’s note: It got cancelled after four seasons leaving poor fans with one of the worst endings ever). And I actually did use it in a draft post I did..hwoever, that post will never, ever be published. Maybe my management crew will release it posthumously like what 2pac’s crew does.

- I’m liking this dot point opening format, what do you reckon? I know many of my readers prefer me going H.A.M. on one topic but I like covering a nice range everytime I decide to visit WordPress. Besides, I’m Muslim..I can’t have too much pork (Editor’s note: He’s not Muslim, and I’m pretty sure they can’t have ham at all. What an ass).

- Did anyone REALLY want a Johnny English sequel? I would prefer Rowan Atkinson get back to making as many Mr Bean episodes as possible.

- I was listening to J.Cole’s new album (best album of 2011 so far, it will be beaten by Take Care though) and reading reviews upon it. I found this awesome quote that said today’s rappers deal with more breakups than they do bullets. And you know what? I f*cking love that. I never grew up in the hood, never had direct confrontations with gangs (Editor’s note: He does not deny having made contact, but for all you know he might’ve just wanted pirated DVDs), have never touched drugs or anything of that nature. So to hear some talented lyricists produce songs that I can relate to is awesome. That’s why I love Drake, J.Cole and Kanye….you get the occasional gem amongst all the bravado and flashiness.

- Along with Cole’s new album, I was bumping this mixtape by a dude named Emanny. I had never heard of him before but the mixtape was called Songs about H.E.R. so I felt obliged to listen to it.  As I was listening to this awesome batch of dark R&B, I was starting to realise that very, very few things have a bigger creative impact on a guy than a girl stomping all over his heart in stilettoes or like that Simpsons scene in which Bart’s babysitter pulls his heart out of his chest and throws it against the wall (Editor’s note: Watch it HERE).

- I don’t read a lot of other blogs (other than the ones penned by my friends), and I really shouldn’t like this one, but Mark Cuban (owner of the Dallas Mavericks) just wrote something that I really enjoyed reading. Yes, yes it’s about money, check it out HERE.

- I don’t care about the new Facebook changes. I’ll get used to it just like how it changed before…and before that….oh and before that too!

- So apparently there’s a political satire show on ABC which features a Julia Gillard doppelganger. The third episode of the program shows the Prime Minister (played by actor Amanda Bishop) and her partner Tim Mathieson (Phil Lloyd) in a love clinch on the floor of her office in Parliament House. In an article in today’s Herald, our PM said that she would not be watching as she has ‘better things to do.’ My first reaction was….ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I’d be all up on my couch waiting for it to air, I mean, haven’t you always wanted to see something you do from another person’s POV? This would be the closest I’d ever get to becoming a pornstar…someone else pretending to be me having sex!

I once thought breasts were called lungs. True story.

“Nobody’s perfect

But you’re perfect for me”

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Thought ’11

Trips with friends. On paper it always seems like a good idea, better to travel with friends than it is with family, you get to do things you actually want to do, and you create memories that will keep a smile on your face long after real life starts kicking you in the ass repeatedly with a steel toe shoe. Of course, like all holidays, there is bound to be a bit of drama usually about activities one partakes in, destinations chosen and use of funds.

Twenty year old Isaac took in the sights of Melbourne as his five travel buddies engaged in a discussion at the corner of a street. He was slightly disgruntled and had no interest in partaking in the conversation that he felt didn’t warrant talking about. A non-issue was being treated as if it were something serious hence the vague, unfocused expression dancing on Isaac’s mug. He chuckled silently at the sign of a restaurant that indicated that the restraurant was called ‘That Place.’

The talk continued and Isaac’s frustration was pulsating, rearing to be unleashed into the world, or more specifically the street corner in Melbourne. It was pretty much four of his friends versus the one who couldn’t seem to wrap her mind around what they were trying to say. Isaac frowned and thought to himself:

“Are you f*cking kidding me?

Two of his friends’ shifted their attention to him just as the thought flashed through his mind.

That’s when he realised he had said it out loud.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

You better run, better run

What’s up party people?

They say that all of yo old girls got somebody new
I say, “damn really? even Rosemary? even Leanne Seely?”
They said, “fuckin right, they were the 1st to go”
Its nothing personal
It’s just that all of them women you slept on were working though,
they was saving up
New niggas came around, they’ve been waking up with..

- Part Boast, Part Confession’s favourite actress Sarah Jessica Parker recently released a new movie by the name of: ‘How Does She Do it?” Naturally, I thought it was a documentary that informed the general public about how a horse manages to snare leading Hollywood roles. Apparently I’m wrong (Editor’s note: He refuses to let go of horse jokes due to the fact that yelling about Sex and the City 2 left him hoarse).

- One of my new favourite phrases is: ‘going from Rolling in the Deep to Someone Like you.’ This is attributed to everyone’s new favourite twenty one three year old pop singer that doesn’t (Editor’s note: Or shouldn’t) to exposing her lady lumps in order to sell records.

- My exes section in my recent ban list post was short on purpose. Stay tuned.

- I have nothing but respect for Floyd Mayweather’s fighting abilities, his defense is exquisite, his foot speed is unparalleled and I will lose my sh*t the day he decides to fight Pacquiao. But can soemone please explain to me why an undefeated boxer would give himself the nickname Pretty Boy Floyd? On that note, how will y’all react if I decide to call myself Pretty Boy Isaac?

- Shout out to the folks at Disney for re-releasing the Lion King for a new generation to enjoy. It’s definitely one of my top three Disney movies ever (along with Toy Story 3 and The Goofy Movie). My favourite moment is actually when Mufasa is dangling on the ledge and Scar f*cks him up. Yes, yes I am a sadistic dude.

- Speaking of; I was on the Lion King’s IMDB page before ’cause I’m a sucker for nostalgia and was surprised to see that the song Can you feel the Love tonight won the 1995 Oscar for best original song. It beat Hakuna Matata, Circle of Life and that awesome opening that everyone can hear in their minds (Editor’s note: His buddy sitting  next to him immediately launched into it; it sounded something like: ahhh jibengaaaa achi meeeki chawa). Personally I’m a fan of Hakuna Matata, but oh well.

IT MEANS NO WORRIES, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Race ’11

For anyone else, it would be considered a lovely spring day with a pleasant breeze softly caressing the bare skin of anyone deciding to take advantage of the gorgeous conditions Sydney had on offer. For twenty year old Isaac, it was a sickly hot day with the breeze barely strong enough to stop his body heating up rapidly; keep in mind he was in a polo shirt. However, he didn’t let it affect him too much (Editor’s note: Key word is ‘too’).

He was on his way to yum cha in the city, but he would need to go to Strathfield Station first.

He strode down the familiar street where his home was, his headphones blaring and his phone in hand. He never checked it as he was crossing the road, but his eyes would be focused upon hitting the pavement. He barely noticed the girl walking directly behind him, he paid her no attention until she walked by him at a pace usually reserved for Olympic competitions.

Isaac glanced up surprised, she did not appear to be running but the speed was undeniable. Grinning slightly, he decided to speed up for kicks. As soon as he drew level, he was surprised once again as she flipped it into another gear, still not appearing to be running, but now walking at a strut that Isaac had never seen before.

It was on.

Refusing to be beat, Isaac cranked up his walking speed and bypassed her with minimal effort. He stepped past her, and started walking adjacent to an elderly couple who was unfortunately caught in the middle of a brutal walking competition. He then sidestepped, pretty much eliminating any chance she had of overtaking her. Hell, Isaac took a glance behind him and she couldn’t even be seen anymore. Smiling, he approached the pedestrian crossing, pressed the button twice and awaited for the arrival of the little green man.

Someone else arrived.

The frenzied girl (who never once established eye contact with Isaac) RAN ACROSS THE ROAD narrowly avoiding traffic as Isaac struggled to pick his jaw back up from the ground.

Isaac refused to weave his way through traffic to beat her.

She had won.

F*ck.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

I already f*cked that bitch. F*ck that bitch.

What’s up party people?

C: You gave up on her so quickly…

Isaac: I never really tried

I’ve been single for about two years now, and some of my closest friends are slightly concerned. They’re concerned that my cheesy tactics that worked for a very short period in a time in which Michael Jackson was still alive have ceased to be effective, they’re worried that I’ll always be that one token single friend who can’t attend couple outings, and they’re wary of the fact that my sexual swag will go to waste if I don’t commit soon (Editor’s note: No one is worried about his last statement).

Me? I don’t have a worry in the world that is not academically related. Let me rephrase that…

“I’ve got ninety nine dilemmas, and a member of the female species does not even constitute as a singular conundrum.”

Mostly because my perhaps baseless confidence in myself, and mainly because…er, actually it’s solely because I have faith in myself. Still, my circle is concerned…they see me with females all the time and wonder why I don’t actively pursue most of them.

Well…there are a lot of reasons, but I’m only going to be sharing one of them today.

And it’s a doozy.

Introducing…MY BAN LIST

(Editor’s note: He asked for a drum roll…then realised this was a text based blog and hung his head sadly)

My ban list is exactly what it sounds like, a list of girls I would never consider entering into romantic relationships with. However, the list is tiered due to the fact that some females are definite no-go’s and some I would potentially consider if circumstances change. And since no one really cares about my life and seems to enjoy things like lists, Im’ma give the people what they want!

On that note…I will be using some of the tiers borrowed from my previous list about negative female characteristics; except there won’t be as many because though there are hundreds of names on my list, there are a scarce amount of categories that they fall into.

The main premise behind my ban list is that…you have other options, don’t consider these ones

Oh and I left out family members…because y’all should know that already.

Miss is just a girl's name to me

Low Tier (No for now…but maybe someday)

Co-workers

This is low tier because Im’ma be all up in one of my coworker’s asses as soon as I get a real job (Editor’s note: I think he’s kidding. Hell, I don’t know anymore). However, for as long as I’m at my current job, I refuse to even consider the possibility for the present. It’s just not kocher for me, there are hundreds of examples of successful workplace relationships but I’m not gung ho enough to engage in one.

No matter how professional you are, it’s tough to face someone that embodies a failed relationship on a day to day basis. It could affect your work, and losing your job over some poontang is just not how I roll.

However there are some perks such as a consistent lunch date, car pool, tonnes to talk about (and bitch about), tonnes of mutual friends etc

Even though I like having a separation of domains, some of that stuff appeals to people so ultimately that’s why its low tier.

Mid Tier (Don’t do it)

Close Friends

I know you’re shocked at my inclusion of this on the list. You’re probably thinking:

“But Isaac, you’ve written ad nauseum about the fact that friends would make great partners! Hell, that was the main point of your most recent post!

That might be true, but I think my last post was more about one being open to situations and putting some more thought into their decisions. It wasn’t me declaring that every single person should start using sex-ray vision on their closest buddies. It was me saying, if the situation arises…give it due thought.

Anwyho:

They say that one of the first signs that you’ve been single for too long is when you start considering your friends as possible love interests. Well, they don’t say it, it’s actually something I say a lot but still, you must admit there’s a seed of truth in my statement. And I guess it’s forgivable, you see them frequently, you already like them, and you already know a fair amount about each other, in theory its a great foundation to build upon.

But of course, there’s a catch. What happens if you fail? The bridges of friendship are burnt into the ground into dust, tension rises, mutual friends get caught in the inferno. That’s if you fail and keep in mind the most recent census data has divorce rates at around 50%, that’s a coin flip. Of course, some of you are saying..well that’s IF you fail, shouldn’t one go into a relationship convinced of its success? If one was to think of failure prior to the relationship commencing, then they shouldn’t enter into it at all!

True, in fact, that’s a great point! (Editor’s note: Did he just compliment himself in one of the most sly ways possible?)

The thing is…one of the most magical parts of a good relationship is getting to know each other well beyond the dating scene. You discover little quirks, new nuggets of information and how they like their eggs in the morning (Editor’s note: That yolk better still be runny). Dating a close friend takes that spark away, you might already know TOO much about them and that spark fades fast.

Exes

There’s a reason we broke up in the first place. I don’t care how lonely or single I get, I refuse to repeat a mistake. I much rather keep ‘em around as friends, and some of them prove to be great ones (Shout out to Kate!)

High Tier (Punishable by DEATH)

Friends’ ex

I can think of all the exceptions to this rule already:

- They were in a very, very short term relationship.

- It was a long time ago

- You have your friend’s (reluctant) consent

- We’re all adults now, we all have some baggage, this should not be a big deal whatsoever

In some cases, all of my points are valid so you should go ahead and bang the f*ck out of each other guilt free. However, look at that third point again, reluctant consent. At first glance, you probably thought I meant that your friend was reluctant because it’s just plain weird for him to see you dating his girl. Look at my point again though, why would he be reluctant?

Because they broke up.

Meaning there was a reason it didn’t work out, and it could very well have been something to do with her. As a bro, he reluctantly agrees to let you try your luck with her but reminds you to be cautious. Of course, he’s not free from blame, but neither is she. Entering a relationship with someone who has failed, with your friend (who you have a successful relationship with), is a huge red flag and frankly should not be considered in the first place.

Again, there are exceptions, but as a general rule…if you’ve dated one of my bros, you have no chance with me.

Poor girls.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Tell me how the f*ck we supposed to stay friends?

What’s up party people?

Berg: It’s ludicrous because Sharon only loves Pete as a friend.

Ashley: And what’s a better basis for a marriage than love and friendship?

Berg: Sex! Money! An alliance between kingdoms!

I’ve got a fire burning inside me right now, and no it’s not because my Thai food isn’t sitting very well. I’m just riled up over a couple of phone conversations I’ve just had concerning the romantic relationships of some of my closest friends and yes, I’m burning with passionate rage right now. Anywho, I promise this is going to be one of the last posts I ever do concerning the topic I’m about to launch in to…but yeah, I gotta deep fry some ass right now (Editor’s note: Person who can make the best sex joke about that gets a free drink of their choice from Isaac).

For a lot of people, whenever they first meet someone of the opposite sex (or the same sex for all my bromosexual friends); they immediately categorise them as either friends or romantic possibilities; this is called the Ladder Theory (For everyone who hasn’t seen When Harry Meet Sally, bang your head repeatedly against a desk then go watch it). Apparently, once you’re categorised, it’s very difficult to make the leap into the other category. If you’re stuck in the friend zone, it’s hard as f*ck to drag your ass out of there.

Here’s my rebuttal: the Ladder Theory sucks ass. And you know why?

(SPOILER ALERT: Billy Crystal ends up with Meg Ryan anyway.)

And you know what else? It’s stupid, and only valid for the most close minded of fools. Yeah I said it, hold dat.

I will go to the grave arguing that friends make the best couples, boyFRIEND….girlFRIEND…The friend part is a lot longer than the f*cking rest. By the way, if a friend of your’s decides to reach out and attempt to build a relationship bridge with you, please, please, for the love of Michael Jordan give ‘em something more substantial than:

“No, I don’t see you THAT way.”

“No, I don’t want to ruin the friendship.”

You know what? Open your eyes, give it some serious thought. You guys are already friends, surely that means there’s already something there that you can work with. Why would you give more thought to the sweaty sleazy clubbing guy as opposed to thinking about the possibility of starting a relationship with someone you already care about?  Oh and honey, the friendship is already ruined as soon as you gave that insensitive, inconsiderate and frankly hollow response.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…give every proposal some thought. Even if you have grown up with them, even if they live next door to you, even if you have engaged in the game of Battlesh*ts together once upon a time, and even if you have never, ever considered the possibility.

Consider it now.

Hold dat.

I refuse to be a f*cking polar bear

By the way, I will be taking my talents (Editor’s note: What talents?) to Melbourne for the weekend so this will be my last post of the week.

Stop cheering..no please stop, my feelings are hurt.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Chances ’11 (The Pen Pt II)

Lunch time at UNSW was never a peaceful affair. Thousands of students scurried about their various food courts purchasing cheap food in an attempt to satisfy their hunger and completely ignoring their taste buds in the process. There was little to no choice when it came to the Matthews Food Courts located in the upper campus, Stockmarket salads were popular…but not for twenty year old Isaac, he refused to wait in line for salad.

So instead, he opted for a greasy chicken kebab roll with a couple of his friends as they sat eating and talking about their lives. Isaac and his male buddy were tag teaming (Editor’s note: Google the definition of the ‘Wobbly H’ if you want a good laugh) this girl with a variety of clever jokes and slowly crushing her resolve in the process. Isaac was roaring with laughter and his head bobbled uncontrollably in all directions.

Then he noticed her.

It was cybercrime girl sitting all by herself eating a bowl of noodles!

Isaac: Holy sh*t, it’s her!

Bro: Go talk to her, you know what they say about guys with confidence

Isaac: Nah not feeling it, I’ll just wink at her when we walk by later

So they resumed talking…their conversation stretching out much longer than expected. When they finally got up to leave, the girl had disappeared, not even her trash remained.

Isaac: F*ck.

****

Isaac trudged along slowly, nimbly avoiding the blows of bulky bags filled with textbooks and laptops. He had just alighted the bus from UNSW to central and his mind was only on one thing: his bed. As daydreams of napping crossed his mind, he felt a soft nudge on the left side of his body and his eyes traced the impact.

IT WAS CYBERCRIME GIRL WALKING RIGHT ALONGSIDE HIM!

He was numb from surprise and he immediately grabbed his phone to message his bro. He fumbled around in his pockets, whilst keeping his peripheral vision on the girl that had eluded him for so long. Finally freeing his phone from his shallow pocket, he typed a one handed message to his friend about the recent development. He could still see her grey top fluttering in the gentle spring breeze as he quickly typed.

Amazingly, to any objective person, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He blended in with the crowd of students all heading in the one direction towards the insides of Central station. In his mind though, he was fumbling and stumbling and mumbling all the way there. He had finished sending the message and decided in his mind that subtlety sucked. He turned around 180 degrees to get a better look at her trajectory.

She had disappeared.

She had eluded him one more time.

Isaac: F*CK

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Baby we’ll live a Hell of a life

What’s up party people?

“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing man he didn’t exist”

This is my 666th post on Part Boast, Part Confession. Yes, it’s the 666th piece of evidence you’d admit in court if trying to mount a case about me having too much time on my hands. I had a ridiculously vindictive, salty, rage filled post planned for today but I decided to scrap it partially because I didn’t want to put someone I kinda care about in a bad light, but mostly because I didn’t want to put myself in that bad light either. All in all I learned a lesson from the saga already and there was no need to rehash how bitter I am about it, so instead…it’s time for everybody’s favourite musing heavy post:

- I was grocery shopping before and decided I’d try almond M&Ms. Bad choice on my part, stick to crispy kids.

- I was talking to one of my boys about whether Zooey Deschanel was a poor man’s version of Katy Perry or vice versa. His response was that Katy Perry is the dumb man’s version of Zoey; good call.

- The post I had prepared for my 666th was a thousand word evisceration of someone that stalled the progression of my life. Even though she wasn’t directly resposible (the person at fault was me); I still had enough pent up rage to compose the hate filled piece that my legal team won’t allow to see the light of day. In saying that, I could still release it within the next two weeks if I’m not feeling up to creating some new material.

- I was sitting in class zoning out as per usual when my friend nudged me and pointed at a girl who didn’t appear to be wearing any pants. After careful observation, we realised she was just wearing extremely short shorts that would’ve been able to pass as a denim belt on any normal sized male. That led to me coming up with one of the greatest party themes ever: Risky F*cking Business. Tell me with a straight face that the thought of girls in nothing but business shirts, tiny shorts and white socks dancing around wouldn’t amuse you…for more proof check this OUT.

- One of my friends is a ridiculously talented graphic artist who is putting in serious work on DeviantART. He does everything from Dragon Ball Z, Digimon, Smash Bros and some random Marvel characters. Click HERE to witness his actual talents…as opposed to my faux-talents.

I am well aware that she is trashier than the contents of my bin; but she's still kinda hot

P: Brohan, I need your wingman advice. I met this girl who is probably a 6 out of 10…however….her house is as big as Ive ever seen!! I’m talking ten bedrooms, 50m pool, basketball and tennis courts!! What needs to be done?

Isaac: 6 in looks or overall 6? Either way, fool around, don’t commit and get at least 3 BBQs out of her. Oh and invite me!

Ahhh the glorious life of two single dudes (Editor’s note: Isaac cries himself to sleep every night…and that’s only when he can sleep).

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Lesson ’11

The express train to Campbelltown rumbled along the rusted track tracks of Sydney without a hitch. Inside, the majority of passengers were dead quiet as the train left Central station, however two passengers were talking loudly without any sort of regard for their fellow train patrons. Of course, one of these conversationalists was twenty year old Isaac who was amusing himself by insulting someone in one of his tutorials along with his buddy.

Isaac was on his way towards the grocery stores of Strathfield whilst his buddy was aiming to do some afternoon shopping. As their train pulled up in Redfern, several menacing figures boarded the train. There were three of them, two of them walked right past Isaac and his friend without a second glance..the third gave them a disdainful glare, he seemed to slow down as he walked on by, making sure we caught every micro second of his gaze. He wasn’t a very big specimen, but he had the stockiness of a rugby player, freckles which looked completely out of place, and a spectacular afro worthy of an extra from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

He sauntered by and disappeared into the next carriage.

P: Did you see that?!

Isaac: Yeah f*ck, that Islander dude was staring you down hard!

****

Isaac was in the confectionery aisle of Woolworths tossing up between Mars and Snickers pods (Editor’s note: He picked Snickers) when his phone vibrated.

He got his phone out of his pocket and saw that it was a message from the buddy he had been riding the train with not too long ago

P: Isaac man…you won’t believe it…that Kiwi freckled kid just got the sh*t beat out of him by his mates on Lidcome platform

Isaac was stunned, he nodded silently to no one and began his grim response

Isaac: Lesson is; don’t f*ck with Criminology folk

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

They say your old girls all got somebody new

What’s up party people?

“They might have loved you before

But you’re out here doing your thing

They don’t know you”

Damn folk, my last post (the follow up to my epic female characteristic tier list) actually proved to be one of my most popular ever. Once again, big shout out to everyone who takes time out of their busy sex filled days to read the musings of a cinema worker masquerading as a semi-serious writer who has an energy drink addiction. Honestly though, if I knew my last post would be such a hit, I probably would’ve spent a lot more time on it than I actually did.

Then again, I’m guessing most folk only clicked on it due to the fact that I posted a ridiculously provocative demotivational poster along with it…or maybe word is spreading that I am really that good. Nah, it’s definitely the picture.

(Editor’s note: All the perves are definitely going to love today’s flashback, just sayin’)

This is an experiment

Damn, I can’t believe it’s been ten years since the Western world was changed forever. Like most people, I remember exactly what happened on the day and how it affected me on a micro level. I wrote about it last year (Editor’s note: For the curious, click HERE) and now I don’t know what else to say about it.

Just a tip, do not watch Remember Me if you’re feeling upset about this day.

Just trust me on that note.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Show ’11

The movie was over, the credits had concluded and the house lights were already shining brightly in anticipation for the pre-show. Twenty year old Isaac and a female worker were hurriedly cleaning the cinema they were in, sweeping popcorn and picking up trash was all part and parcel in the life of a cinema worker. There were still some people who had yet to depart the cinema, one Asian couple and two girls who appeared to be engaged in an intense conversation.

Isaac’s female co-worker sidled up next to him as they began sweeping the same row.

R: Should we kick them out?

Isaac: Yeah I guess so

Isaac strode towards the two girls, he was about to ask them to leave when they both suddenly stopped talking.

They had stopped talking to engage in a different activity involving both their mouths, the two of them were making out with a passion Isaac had never seen in person from two girls. His eyes bulged and his mouth dropped as the show was unfolding right before him. He sprinted back towards his coworker and exclaimed:

Isaac: OH MY GOD, THEY’RE MAKING OUT (!)

Isaac’s coworker also looked quite shocked as the two girls continued wrestling with their tongues.

The Asian couple who was also lingering stood up, the male half of the duo spotted the two females lip locking and his expression went from nonchalant to excited within seconds.

Isaac didn’t know what to do. He was still half heartedly sweeping what was left of the mess in the cinema, but he would eventually have to drift over to the two girls and potentially break them apart from each other’s tender grasp.

Isaac: As a dude…I just can’t stop them.

Eventually, he had no choice. He started drifting  closer to the couple once more, his presence didn’t seem to phase them at all as they continued kissing, completely lost in each other’s embrace as Isaac meekly swept popcorn under seats. Eventually, they separated themselves from each other and grinned at each other mischeviously. They stood up and spotted Isaac not too far away from them. The two girls grinned at him and said:

“Thank you!”

Isaac was quick with his response:

“No, thank you!”

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

You’re the only one that’s causing me this drama

What’s up party people?

“To all the single girls asking where all the decent guys are…they’re in the friend zone right where you left them.”

Shout out to everyone who took a large chunk out of their days/nights yesterday to wade through my ridiculously long female characteristic tier list (Editor’s note: For the fashionably late who missed it click HERE). I’ve been asked how long it actually took me to write and the truth is I completed the list in about forty minutes. Yes, I pretty much delivered a 2300 word essay in about the same time it takes a pizza delivery driver to get to your house. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all year.

Admittedly, I probably should’ve spent a lot more time on it. The process involved me sitting down on my chair, stare out the majestic weather outside (Editor’s note: Keep in mind this was yesterday, and not today in which mother nature decided to urinate all over Sydney), brainstorming some of the characteristics then ranking them in order of severity whilst playing Tekken. Yes, yes I am the master of multitasking as long as it doesn’t involve any real work.

I decided to write about sixteen characteristics (Editor’s note: Being Shang is twice as bad as any other characteristics. Yes, I have a death wish), but in all honesty I could’ve written about a lot more. Including some if not all of the ones in the ‘Honourable Mentions’ section. If I was to rewrite my tier list (It’s possible; tier lists get constantly updated after tournaments, game patches, updates etc), the ones I would include from the Honourable Mentions section include:

- Low Self Esteem

This would probably be a low tier or mid tier problem. I’ve never dealt with it personally, but some of my bros inform me that the constant need to reaffirm things gets annoying after a while. I do like girls with swag and confidence so I sort of get it. However, I would hate, absolutely detest, to engage in a relationship with someone that was too high on themselves and thought that dating me constituted as charity work (Editor’s note: Irony….).

- Has Dated a Friend of Your’s

-  Uber-bitch tier. And yes, YOU would be the bitch. This blog does not cater for violators of the bro code, f*ck off. If you’re not bromosexual, you do not deserve to read my Godlike prose. (Editor’s note: Exceptions to the rule include: If the relationship lasted less than a week, if she is a ridiculously good cook, she’s a rebound, she’s a 15 on a scale of 10 and if your bro gives his full blessing and said bro is also in a long term relationship).

- Name starts with A and ends with A 

This was a joke. Cough.

- Still in School

Again, you would be the bitch in the Uber-bitch tier. Only Ok if you’re also enrolled in that school…unless you’re some mature aged student in high school, then that’s all sorts of wrong. I don’t care if she’s mature and as wise as Master Yoda (and let’s be real, that’s impossible); don’t do it. Cradle snatching is only ok if you’re shopping for cribs for your nephew.

Shout out to Young Mahoney if you're reading this

I would like to once again reaffirm that everything I’ve written is fact my own opinion; I’ve only ever been in a relationship for five minutes (Editor’s note: You’re not even sure if he’s joking at this point huh?) I would like to leave you with this parting message.

“The worst relationship I ever had was one that never got off the ground.”

F*ck.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Troll ’03

It was a strange night indeed. Strange in the sense that a teenage girl was spending it at home on the phone as opposed to going out and enjoying the night life that teenagers were prone to doing. Even stranger then that was the teenage girl’s younger brother, twelve year old Isaac, was sitting on the floor of her bedroom and listening to the conversation that was unfolding. Isaac’s sister didn’t mind as she knew her little brother wouldn’t dare repeating anything he heard (Editor’s note: Oops).

It was a very hot night so Isaac was soon drenched in sweat, he had been amusing himself  by doing snow angels on their wooden floors as his sister spoke to one of her boyfriends at the time. The conversation was lackluster, but it was about to take an interesting turn. Isaac could only hear one side of it, but he heard enough.

Isaac’s sister: It’s so f*cking hot

Isaac’s sister: Hahah please…there’s nothing left to take off.

Isaac’s eyes bulged as he shook his head.

The conversations these two had were just weird.

(Editor’s note: That horny guy on the other line would go on to become Isaac’s brother in law).

Until next time folks! Stay classy!