I wish I could f*ck every girl in the world

What’s up party people?

“Sticks and stones might break my bones….but I’m about to get in that ass.”

Umm…about that title.

Hold dat.

Just kidding, this is a post that I was actually supposed to scribe about a month ago but I’ve been sidetracked by anxiety about the future, the plight of some of my brothers, the laughable antics of some of my female sidekicks, the ridiculous workload I’m supposed to deal with for university and I’m still sending regular letters to Miranda Kerr assuring her that I look way better as a blonde than her husband Orlando “Legolas” Bloom.

(Editor’s note: He could’ve just said: “I’ve been busy.”)

Ok, so this is going to be a special post about girls I would boink.

Yes, yes you did read that correctly.

I was inspired by this awesome Youtube video (Editor’s note: Click HERE) by JennaMarbles. So after watching this, I jotted down a couple of names off the top of my head, thought about them in their prime (this is important; for example…I prefer 2010 Deathly Hallows Emma Watson as opposed to the short haired post Deathly Hallows version) and also what character I would like them to play.

No, I’m not going to talk about fetish fantasies…I’m saving that post for another time.

This is my incomplete list of girls in Hollywood that I would boink…or more likely take out to see a movie and then have them mess around with my feelings for the next year and a half.

Jessica Alba (2003 as ‘Honey Daniels’ from Honey)

This is Alba pre-pregnancy and in the best shape of her life. For all those who didn’t see Honey…er you missed out on an hour and a half of Alba prancing around in dance tights. She played a dance teacher/video vixen/I don’t really care and good times were had by all (Editor’s note: trailer HERE). I know a lot of Alba fans are yelling: “Dude, she played a STRIPPER in Sin City; boink the stripper! And to all those people I pose this question…would you rather boink a dance teacher or a stripper? Wait…sh*t, I’m talking myself out of it…let’s move on.

Emma Watson (2010 as Hermione Granger from Harry Potter and the Warner Bros is trying to milk this franchise part I)

F*ck Ron Weasley. I can’t believe that THIS girl grew up to become the face of Burberry. I’m not a big fan of the Harry Potter movies but watching her blossom into the epitome of a girl next door made them all tolerable. Though Harry may be the titular character…I’m pretty sure Emma Watson’s smile is the one that has won over more hearts.

By the way, I am a sucker for British and American accents…a big sucker. F*ck Ron Weasley.

Maggie Q (2002 as Chalene Ching from Naked Weapon)

This is one of my guilty pleasure movies. Whoops, I wasn’t supposed to leave the word guilty in that opening sentence. Anywho, this premise of this movie is that a bunch of girls are trained from childhood to become world class ASSassins. Yes, there is a lot of er…sexual references in this movie (Editor’s note: It’s called Naked Weapon. It’s a given); but its quite enjoyable. There’s one scene in the movie where Maggie Q is seducing the hell out of a guy with a ridiculously awkward strip tease…and yet she pulls it off because its Maggie Q trying to perform a strip tease (Editor’s note: Here’s the LINK perves).

Side note: I find it hilarious that Maggie Q played a character named Maggie in Balls of Fury; they couldnt’ve called her Peggy or something? Was it a memory exercise so that other actors would remember her name off the set? This ish keeps me up at night.

Rachel Bilson (2004 as Summer Roberts in the OC)

Dude, I love the first season of the OC. I like to think of myself as a Chinese version of Adam Brody…which sort of means I need to get myself a Rachel Bilson fast. Her character in the OC started out as a typical popular high school bitch..but in the end; she turned out to be one of the most indispensable characters on the show. I could’ve just written: ‘so f*cking cute’ and my point would’ve been made…but meh, I like fleshing stuff out.

Oh, I would totally fle-(Editor’s note: Going to try and keep this PG-13. Stay in school kids!).

Mila Kunis (2008 as Rachel Jensen from Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

Those eyes. Even though she is the voice of Meg from Family Guy, I can look past that fact. She’s finally blowing up in Hollywood now and I couldn’t be happier about the increased exposure, she seems like such a down to Earth chick and is definitely girlfriend material. Oh and for everyone who has seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall, THAT photo was not genuine and was of a stunt double; bummer.

Danneel Ackles (2005 as Rachel Gatina from One Tree Hill)

“She’s a skilled gymnast”

That was the first piece of trivia on her IMDB page: winning. Anywho, I loved the character she played in One Tree Hill before the show became a poo poo platter. She was a fiery cheerleader, messed around with all the girls on the squad, seduced a geek to the point in which he became her bitch etc etc.

Yeah I know, *INSERT JOKE ABOUT ISAAC BEING A PUSHOVER*

Plus, redheads are hot.

Bridgette Wilson (1995 as Veronica Vaughn from Billy Madison)

Yeah, I’d go there.

Dude, easily one of the hottest portrayals of a teacher in cinematic history, easily the best Sandler girl ever (sorry Brooklyn Decker, Jessica Biel), and her character is possibly the root of every teacher-student affair that occurred in the mid 90s to now. Everytime a moderately attractive teacher would appear; Vernoica Vaughn is the standard in which she is measured against.

Who said Adam Sandler hasn’t contributed anything to the world?

(Editor’s note: Do not type Veronica Vaughn into google images without also including Billy Madison; you have been warned).

Megan Fox (2008 as Sophie Maes from How to Lose Friends and Alienate People)

Frankly, I don’t care which iteration of Megan I get; she is f*cking fire. However, I picked her as Sophie Maes because the character was what I imagine Megan Fox to be like off screen. Not really a stretch considering that ‘Sophie’ was a very attractive actress who picked stupid roles. That sounds mildly familiar; to emphasise how sizzling she was in the movie; I remember watching the movie with my girlfriend at the time and not even bothering to hide how er…excited I was whenever she came up on screen. I was squealing like a twelve year old at a Twilight screening.

So hot .

Excuse me as a I go and take a cold shower.

Which one first?!

Honourable mentions:

Hayden Panettiere (Heroes), Brooklyn Decker (Just Go With It), Jennifer Aniston (Horrible Bosses), Natalie Portman (No Strings Attached), Kristen Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), Megan Fox (Transformers), Megan Fox (Transformers II), Megan Fox (Jennifer’s Body), Rachel McAdams (Mean Girls), Amanda Seyfried (Chloe), Jamie Chung (Sucker Punch) and Emily Browning (Sucker Punch)

So…who would you guys like to mess around with?!

Until next time folks! Stay classy!