Dear Summer, I know you’re gon’ miss me

What’s up party people?

“All I kept thinking about was her. I finally decided there were two things I could do; keep agonising over her…or just f*ck it and have fun.

And here I am having fun by once again posting on my blog. Yes, yes I did forget to post yesterday, obviously my millions of fans were in an uproar spamming my email inbox with hateful messages and writing mean posts on my Facebook. Or…no one noticed and I merely got to enjoy an extra day off from the rigours of writing blogs, you be the judge of what really happened.

I have a couple of shout outs to dish out so bare with me. First off, shout out to the UNSW timetabling Gods for finally giving me a decent one to cap off my final year of undergraduate study. Seriously, it was like having sex with the high school sl*t, I was in and out of there in five minutes and feeling rather good about myself.

Secondly, shout out to the random cute girl who decided to sit next to me on the bus to uni yesterday even though there tonnes of empty seats about. I needed the ego boost and you smelt like expensive perfume, so I’m guessing you wanted to flaunt it.

Mission accomplished.

Hurray for adult entertainment!

But she’s far far away

And I’d do anything just to see her face

But she’s far far away

Walk a thousand miles just to see her smile again

You should definitely cop Tyga’s new single featuring some Idol contestant from years back entitled Far Away. Definitely going to be a hit.

Anywho, on to the next one:

Why I hate Summer from (500) Days of Summer

 ”This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story. “

Ok this is the first in a series of indefinite posts where I just go IN on a movie character I dislike, have a problem with, and maybe, just maybe one I love if I’m feeling in a good mood. Trust me, this post is painful to write because Summer is portrayed by the lovely Zooey Deschanel (Editor’s note: Also referred to as the less sl*tty version of Katy Perry).

Quick synopsis about the movie for those who haven’t seen it:

An offbeat romantic comedy about a woman who doesn’t believe true love exists, and the young man who falls for her.

(Editor’s note: There will be a tonne of  spoilers. If you haven’t seen the movie, go watch it, then come back).

Poor, poor Tom (played by my main man Joseph Gordon-Levitt) falls for Summer and she pretty much strings him along. In her defense, she tells him that she does not believe in true love, nor monogamy, and never explicitly states that they are in a relationship.

However, she also f*cks his brain out in the shower, engages in foreplay with him in Ikea, goes on a countless number of dates, meets his friends/sister etc etc.

As Tom rightfully says:

“Friends don’t have shower sex (Editor’s note: If there are any ladies who want to be friends with me and have shower sex…yes, YES!).

Massive spoiler alert: she ends up marrying some other guy towards the end of the movie after telling Tom SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE OR MARRIAGE. Admittedly, Tom tried very hard when he was with her, and when he was without her he tried even harder. Do you blame him though? One has two options when they fail, either give up or give it their all, he opted for the latter and Summer proceeded to take a massive deuce on his face (Editor’s note: Not literally).

She tries to give him comfort, tells him there’s another one out there etc.

The usual comforting BS that one can lift from any other romantic comedy, and yes I am well aware that (500) Days is supposed to be a romantic comedy.

Her defenders will say:

“SHE NEVER SAID THEY WERE A COUPLE! HE READ TOO MUCH INTO THINGS!”

Some things don’t need to be explicitly stated.

Parents love their child, they don’t need to reaffirm this on a daily basis.

Pizza will have cheese, you don’t have to tell the chef to put cheese on it after the sauce.

Asians are good at math…yeah.

Some things don’t need to be defined, or expressed aloud, they are implied.

Like when you f*ck his brain out in the shower, engages in foreplay with him in Ikea, goes on a countless number of dates, meets his friends/sister.

I don’t think he’s wrong to assume you’re his girlfriend.

THIS pretty much sums it up.

CASE CLOSED BITCH!

Until next time folks! Stay classy!