Witness love, I guess I gotta find it first

What’s up party people?

“So what kind of music are you into?

I’m a big fan of Chinese opera

Oh..really?

No.”

Had an incredible shift at the Ritz yesterday. It reinforced how much I really do love the place, I was once again entrusted to train another rookie and mould them in my professional image. Unfortunately, I was a little tireless and wasn’t at my best but hey, I made sure the young rookie was thoroughly entertained. Best moment of the night was easily when a bunch of us were sitting around and heard Aerosmith’s “I don’t want to miss a thing” come over the speakers and all of us started singing it in perfect harmony.

Anywho, prior to the commencement of my shift, I decided to rewatch one of my favourite movies of 2K9: 500 Days of Summer.

Even though I’ve seen it a few times now, I still laugh at all the funny scenes, I still feel slightly shattered whenever that Katy Perry Lookalike sticks a figurative knife into the heart of the protagonist, and my heart still flutters slightly whenever I hear “I’m Autumn.”

However, something changed when I watched it yesterday. I started to block out all my memories of being owned by females and tried to watch it objectively, and suddenyl things changed. I understood EXACTLY how I would argue on behalf of Katy Perry Zooey Deschanel’s character. And funnily enough, it was something I had been on record as saying that would ultimately help her win an argument:

“You can’t be lead on unless you bite the bait.”

BTW, my next ex & I are totally going on an Ikea date

Another verse from me:

“I don’t know how to let you in, that’s what keeps us apart

How the hell am I supposed to give you the keys to my heart?

I’m new at this, someone’s gotta show me

Expect me to know? Have you BEEN around my family?

Love’s like a foreign concept I don’t understand,

I need someone to guide me, so please take my hand.”

Yeah I know, I really should write something that will help me lift my WAM back up, bite me.

Anywho, on to the next one:

Capture the Flag ’08

Tomorrow, I’ll be dragging my ass to Camden. Why? To celebrate my main man Kieran’s birthday, the Ritz family is going to shoot each other enthusiastically and cause a large amount of bruising. What other way is there to celebrate a birthday?

I haven’t been in two years, and boy, I won’t forget what happened three years ago.

Sixteen year old Isaac Lai had a massive grin on his face as he filled up his gun with tiny balls of paint. He had managed to forge his admittance slip and could now take part with all the rest of his older cousins and their friends. He longed to shoot his sister to even up the score for all the childhood abuse he had suffered at her hands but unfortunately for him, they were assigned to be on the same team. He contemplated shooting her in the back but his brotherly love prevented that from happening.

The first game was underway and the objective was to shoot the opposing team’s “King” only then would the game be over. The psuedo war waged on for a while as people were to scared to advance and put themselves in the open. Even young Isaac had set up camp behind a particularly large tree and just snipe. Eventually Isaac’s team lost as their king wandered away from his protectors out of sheer stupidity.

The second game was about to commence. This time, it would require the taking of the opposing team’s flag. Isaac’s team was huddled up and discussing strategy. Isaac looked around at his teammates. All he saw was:

- Out of shape

- Sweating

- Can’t aim

- Not wearing the right shoes

- Huge ass beer belly

Sighing, he spoke up:

Isaac: I’m probably faster than all of you, I’ll get the flag

The team nodded, all of them admiring the tenacity and bravery of the seventeen year old Chinese kid with blonde hair.

The game was underway, and Isaac sprinted from his fort like his life depended on it.

As soon as he began running, a few thoughts suddenly hit him.

- His teammates were out of shape

- Sweating, which meant they were already tired

- They couldn’t aim, so they wouldn’t be able to provide cover fire

- They weren’t wearing the right shoes, so they wouldn’t be able to keep up and shield him

- They had huge ass beer bellies, so they wouldn’t be able to keep up with him anyway

And one more thing.

He was blonde. He was with a bunch of older Asians who had jet black hair, which meant he stood out.

Oh and that he was about to be shot by twenty paintball guns.

Sh*t.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!