If I had one wish

What’s up party people?

C: Your stories are always so sad….

Yeah, that’s a real quote that someone laid upon me at a party last night. So with that in mind, I’m going to shelve all the slightly depressing flashbacks I had in store for the upcoming weeks and focus on something else entirely. As some of you may already know, I’m a big fan of CRACKED; I’d be cranking out articles at a million dollars a piece for them if this were an ideal world. Unfortunately, it’s not an ideal world and we live in a society that still considers Kevin Federline newsworthy (Editor’s note: Isaac will be watching every episode of Excess Baggage with an expression deranged glee).

Anywho, I was reading a Cracked article that mentioned Aladdin (Editor’s note: You can read the article HERE); and after chuckling about what was written, I started wondering what life would be like if I had access to a genie. In fairness, not much would be different, I’d still be good looking, athletic, youthful, intelligent, wealthy and obscenely awesome in every way possible. Umm…wait, I lost my train of thought.

***

Got it, what would life be like if I had a genie? Well, I’d make a lot of wishes like:

Mmmm I could help you with that one too babe....Sorry, I turned my sleazy swag on for a second.

1) I’d wish that I had an infinite amount of wishes, which is what everyone in possession of a genie should wish for first but whatever. I’d follow that up with:

2) I wish Hollywood would stop giving movie roles to Sarah Jessica Parker, let her roam free and compete in the Melbourne Cup.

3) I wish that every rapper with the word lil’ or fat in their names would just become the total opposite. Like what if Lil’ Wayne started taking a crazy amount of perfromance enhancing drugs, got a gym membership and suddenly became six foot six physical specimen. Would it be weird calling him Just Wayne? And what if Fat Joe started eating healthy and became an endorser of Weight Watchers, would he be confused with the R&B singer Joe? And would anyone care that they were musicians anymore?

4) I wish that Matt Stone & Trey Parker never, ever stop writing South Park.

5) I wish that every sports writer would come to their senses and never, ever compare anyone to Michael Jordan again.

6) I wish that eating fried food was actually good for you. The entire world would be a lot healthier, shout out to America!

7) I wish I could dance. Wait, I can dance. Let me try that again.

8) I wish I could moonwalk. And no, not the Michael Jackson thing, I wish I could actually take a leisurely stroll on the Moon.

9) I wish that Heroes and 2 Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place fans are given proper closure via another full season. Seriously, those were the most frustrating last episodes ever.

10) At least six seasons and a movie for Community. Ideally, I’d want sixteen seasons, three movies and a softcore porn spin off with nothing but Alison Brie in skimpy outfits.

11) I wish that that Australian cricket would continue developing its players to the point that Shane Watson was expendable. Seriously, I grew up watching an untouchable line up featuring Shane Warne, Adam Gilchrist (batting at 7?!?), Glenn McGrath and Matthew Hayden. I hate growing old watching a team in which Shane Watson is considered one of our most valuable players, crazy.

12) I wish that someone would pay me to write. Seriously, that would be the most fraudulent way to earn money ever…shout out to Kim Karadashian.

13) I wish that you’d stop checking up on women I can’t stand because I have new girls I could use your opinion on.

14) I wish that the scientists of the world would hurry up and develop hoverboards. I’m going to be livid if I’m not zooming around on an obnoxiously coloured hoverboard within the next three years.

15) I wish that lads would stop wearing Ralph Lauren Polo shirts. That’s my look.

16) I wish that there was a universal currency. Oh wait, does sex count? I take that wish back.

17) I wish that Game Freaks/Nintendo would release a Pokemon Game on consoles of an epic scale. No more Pokemon *INSERT COLOUR HERE* version, make something grand, spectacular and then take my money. Actually, I’d probably just wish for a copy since I have a genie and all…but you know what I mean.

18) I wish that the writers of How I Met Your Mother would stop trying to bring Barney and Robin together. Barney is meant to be single, Robin is meant to be a strong, independant black Canadian woman that doesn’t need a man. Stick with that sh*t.

19) I wish that at least one country in the world was Hell bent on taking over other’s like the English back in the days of colonisation. That would just be hilarious to watch unfold, wouldn’t you tune into the news every night hoping that the news anchor says something along the lines of: “In today’s news, Switzerland has just barely managed to fend off an Italian invasion via pirate ships.” What do you mean that just sounds like war? I’m all about that world peace.

20) I wish that they’d find a hotter Asian girl to join the Victoria’s Secret gang

21) Again, I wish they’d reshoot all the footage of the Harry Potter movies featuring Cho Chang. Seriously, find another cute Asian girl with a british accent. And if all else fails, I’ll just wear a wig and do it all.

22) Allison Brie, Olivia Wilde, Anna Kendrick, Maggie Q, Megan Fox. Umm….I’m finding it hard to be coherent.

23) I wish that all my friends and family were given genies too, but that their one’s would be inferior to mine just in case anyone attempted to go all Judas me.

23A) I wish that you’d….argh f*ck it, you’re not worth it.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

It helps to think we’re sleeping underneath the same big sky

What’s up party people?

I kissed this girl I’ve liked since back when I was just a sophomore

But I’m afraid to text her “What the f-ck it take so long for?!”

What the f-ck has changed? It it swagger? Is it money?

I still dress the f-ckin’ same and my nose is still as ugly

As the day you f-ckin’ met me

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Isaac. I’m a fresh twenty one year old, I don’t have any pets, I don’t do drugs, I can dunk on a nine foot rim, I think I’m up for 2012 bachelor of the year except whoever’s running the competition appears to have lost my number, I like boobs, I still live at home, I have my high school principal’s cell phone number in my contact list, I’ve met the prime minister, I crave burgers often and I’m the best looking guy in my household. I think that covers everything, let’s go.

- THIS guy is based as hell. Funny thing is that I was lip syncing the same song at a frozen yogurt joint the other day.

- Some of the things I’m most looking forward to doing when I visit New York next week include but are not limited to: supersizing all my meals, converting all my money into one dollar bills and making it rain, watching David Letterman exchange homoerotic banter with Paul Shaffer, visiting Hooters, wandering around MSG hoping to bump into a drunk New York knick, taking a tour of the hotel where Home Alone 2 was filmed and going to a Victoria’s Secret store with a girl who I hope tries everything on in front of me.

It’s going to be a good trip.

- Community is probably my favourite television show. I’ve rewatched every episode at least three times, THIS scene gets me every time. I even have the song on my iPod just for kicks, I can’t wait until the next time I go to karaoke and sing this duet myself.

- Adele is a surprisingly good way to get pumped up before a basketball game. WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLL……!!!

- Guys. If I had any semblance of a positive female situation going on, you’d hear about it. Trust me. So please, please, please stop asking me what’s up with the ladies. It’s frustrating me so much that I might just hook up with some random girl just to make people shut up about it (Editor’s note: I call bullsh*t, this is the guy that couldn’t get a date to his year eleven social afterall).

Isaac: Making sure he's single for at least another two years.

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Swag ’12

The sun shone brightly above the galaxy. Aliens from all around the Milky Way had their tans going, sunscreen being applied by their intergalactic spouses, friends and allies. On Planet Earth, 7 billion people went about their daily lives. Two Asian males were currently duking it out on the basketball courts of Strathfield Park, sweat patches already clear on their tops. One of them was twenty one year old Isaac, and he was not faring too well.

It was blistering hot, and Isaac hadn’t stepped onto a basketball court in over six months.

D: How do you remember the last time you played?

Isaac: You always remember the last time you had sex buddy

It had been a very long time, and Isaac was clearly rusty. Jumpshots were far from pinpoint, his moves were robotic and ineffective, worst of all his conditioning was far from ideal. He had been spending the past six months playing fraudulent sports like tennis, he was not in basketball shape. His friend was though, blowing past him at will but he was having trouble actually putting the ball in the basket.

***

The two dudes were playing a ‘quick game’ to 3. Isaac’s friend quickly scored the first basket as a breathless Isaac made a half hearted attempt to block his shot. Doing his best not to pant, Isaac resumed his defensive stance. It was painful to watch, and yet, the score was still only 1-0. The ball slipped from his friend’s grasp and Isaac had possession, he spotted up for a long jump shot teetering on the 3-point line and swished it through.

Isaac: If I hit it from beyond the arc, is it worth two

Friend: Yeah.

Isaac got the ball again, and let the ball rip. He started walking off before the ball even swished through, it was in. Final score 3-1, Isaac’s way.

***

Isaac: Your jumpshot is like a good woman, it will never leave you.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Someone’s thinking of me

What’s up party people?

“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty… you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”

I know, I know. Many of you are clamouring for more flashbacks, because it provides more insight about how I became so f*cked up. Unfortunately, I’m still working on some memories so today’s entry will be another one based on a topic that I know well enough. So well that I can spend about one thousand words talking about how well I know it. Aspects such as the nuances, the subtle art, the almost poetic nature one assumes when in the act.

Obviously, I am referring to the art of scouting. Also known as checking out girls, and being a pervert.

Am I doing this?

You bet your saggy ass I’m doing this

(Editor’s note: He had a massive internal debate about whether or not he should write this. On the one hand, it would be wickedly entertaining to write and it would help level up guys all over. On the other hand, he would come off as ridiculously creepy, lonely and the epitome of the worst type of single guy. When you can come off as someone like that, you just have to do it I guess).

He would later go on to be a very prominent celebrity

First off, just some general pointers:

- Unless you’re under the age of 18 (Editor’s note: Dear minor, I recommend you discontinue reading this blog as the odds of you ending up as a twenty one year old still living at home increases exponentially if you follow any advice posted on this site. You’re welcome) avoid scouting anywhere near schools or popular teenage hang outs such as arcades and Jay Jays. Also be particularly wary when scouting for girls during the school holidays, especially if you’re really bad at identifying someone’s age without staring at their IDs.

- I don’t know from personal experience, but apparently alcohol has a massive effect on your perception. Scouting when drunk could be very, very dangerous. Be warned bros.

Ok, on to specifics. Starting with:

1) Your Own Appearance

Sunglasses are your best friend. They hide what you’re admiring and well…they’re cool. However, they are pretty much a post it note saying that you’re a douchebag if you’re wearing them indoors; but it’s ok if you’re making a quick transition from the outdoors and into a lobby elevator or something. Oh and I don’t care how cool you think your moustache and goatee look, the odds are that it looks like a raccoon on your face. Consider the fact that even Brad Pitt can’t even pull off facial hair, even though he’s probably one of the best looking dudes ever (Editor’s note: Add that line to the gay list).

2) Etiquette

(Ignore this if you’re wearing a pair of sunglasses)

Girls aren’t stupid. Well, sometimes but let’s just say they’re not in this situation, they can tell when someone is making googly eyes at their nipples. Or if they’re making names for their legs, or if they’re imagining them naked…it’s like Spiderman’s Spidey sense…except only girls have it. Over the years, I’ve come up with a few strategies to get out of hairy situations.

- If a girl exposes you in the act of you admiring her beauty (and honestly, shouldn’t she take it as a compliment) raise your arm as if you’re waving to someone behind her, then you run as soon as she turns around to look at what a pervert’s friend looks like.

- Again, if you’re exposed; nod a lot like you’ve suddenly got an idea and pretend to take a note of it on your phone. Better yet, pull out a pen and begin scribing hastily, then look EXACTLY at what you were looking before and repeat the process.

- If you’re with a friend, look at them and yell something along the lines of: “FUCK, I JUST CAN’T DO IT” then put your head in your hands and feign crying (Editor’s note: In theory, this could be followed up with a sympathy play. Try it).

I know those three strategies sound foolproof, but honestly don’t stare. Take fleeting glances often, and if you’re caught, give them a small smile and look away shyly. Or, if you’re less feminine than me, give them a big ass grin and walk right up to them whilst turning your swag on.

Also, don’t lick your lips, wolf whistle, bare all your teeth or start making rude gestures with your hands.

(Isaac’s note: Sidebar, I’ve always told my friends that I want to do the following: walk up to a girl who’s clearly in a relationship, give her a wink, then slide my a sheet of paper with my phone number on it into her hand and saying something like: ‘Call me if you ever want an upgrade.” Yeah, I know…I have too much time on my hands).

3) Places

Worst places to scout girls: Hospitals, near cemetaries (unless you have game like Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers),  schools (again, unless you’re a minor or really like Sailor Moon), poorly lit places like clubs and bars (especially if you’re drunk and can’t tell a 2 from a 10).

Best places to scout girls: Public transport, elevators (one of my favourite jokes ever: Sex on an elevator is wrong on so many levels), near gyms with a high female population. About that last one, I find girls in sweat pants and gym gear really, really sexy for some reason. It also shows that they’ve got a work ethic and trying to improve upon what they have, those are good signs.

****

And….I’m going to wrap it up with some more general stuff:

- Some girls like the attention, some girls don’t Respect their personal space….or, proceed to put your stunner shades on and enjoy the view (and nope, not referring to the Whoopi Goldberg show).

- Peripheral vision was designed for you to appear nonchalant. Combined with sunglasses, it is a potent combination like vodka and redbull, like Batman and Robin, like Michael Jordan & Scottie Pippen, like Tim & Tam, like Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen, like a burger and fries, like McNuggets and sweet & sour sauce, like wedges with sour cream, like frozen yogurt with mochi, like a v-neck sweater with a collared shirt, like…..yep, I’m done for now.

- Look, I know I’ve pretty much killed all my chances of maintain a relationship this year. I don’t care, I’m the people’s champ. However, I want you guys to understand something before I sign out. Not every guy scoping for talent has good attentions, they might be unaware that they’re even doing it, perhaps they really are just genuine perverts that are after fresh meat. Then again…we’ve all seen movies where two people establish eye contact, their worlds stop, everything starts moving in slow motion and seeds of an epic romance are planted.

I know, they’re just movies.

But dude, haven’t we learnt that fact is way, way stranger than fiction. And also…fiction is based on some sort of fact.

So you never know, that gorgeous girl with lovely eyes, dimples and a magnificent rack could be my wife someday.

….yeah probably not.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Are you drunk right now?

What’s up party people?

“Just throw up while I hold your hair back

Her white friend said “you n*ggas crazy”

I hope no one heard that

I hope no one heard that

Cause if they did, we gon be in some trouble”

Look, I’m not a drinker but I have a lot (and I mean a LOT) of friends that do drink. Of course they do. We live in Australia and it’s ingrained in us as soon as we start breathing in the air of the land down under, drinking is part of the culture. Every occasion for celebration is a reason for inebriation that leads to intoxication that sometimes leads to fornication (Editor’s note: Guess his little break has been good for him). I’m a huge fan of celebration, I support drinking in moderation and understand that sometimes people need a bit of liquid courage to get comfortable and to enjoy themselves.

Me though? I don’t do it (Editor’s note: Full story HERE). I am fine with going out to my friends to bars and parties that contain alcohol, but I’ll sip on something non-alcoholic whilst they are throwing down. I don’t mind, Hell I just concluded my tenure at a work place where drinking was as natural as breathing, It’s cool with me.

So…I hope you understand that the following isn’t a lecture, not an attempt at preaching or even a cry of frustration. Think of it as…Isaac still hasn’t thought of a memory he wants to write about so he’s going to elaborate on something that he mentioned in passing to a friend the other day. We often hear stories about professional athletes or just professionals in general who improve at their livelihoods as soon as they give up the sauce, I hate those obnoxious articles in the paper saying that Mr So & So has improved his work ethic because he doesn’t drink anymore, it’s as bad as women’s magazines saying that Actress X has lost 15KGs cause she realised that chocolate was bad for her. It’s a given.

It's all good though guys, he orders a diet coke with his Big Mac meal. He knows what he's doing.

Why’d I bring that up? There are other stories we’re accustomed to hearing, especially after a big weekend. Let me know if this sounds familiar:

“I f*cked up. I was drunk though…so it’s ok.”

The hypothetical person in question is using drinking as a crutch. Fair enough right? We are warned not to drink drive, drink text or to drink f*ck because we are told that the addition of high levels of alcohol to the system tend to make people do stupid things. It’s a fact, even though those things are sometimes hilarious (Editor’s note: Ever heard of a movie called the Hangover? Apparently it was pretty popular), often they are disastrous (refer to every bad hook up at a party ever).

Look, sober people make mistakes too, believe me I know (Editor’s note: He was reminded of one of the more prominent ones over the weekend during one of his birthday speeches. Good times) but again, let me stress the fact that we have hundreds of years of evidence and precedence that drunk people are more likely to do something stupid. You know this, you’ve done something ill advised whilst downing shots of tequila and drinking Vodka/Red Bulls. An incoherent phone call, a text message, fallen down a stair well, gotten into a fight with someone you really shouldn’t be fighting, ruined a relationship, altered a reputation, vomitted over a new pair of shoes.

Yes, different degrees, but mistakes and poor decisions nonetheless.

And you know what the poorest one was?

Drinking in the first place, because you know sh*t will go down.

People blaming their behaviour on alcohol reminds me of some kids I knew back in high school. We all know them, the dudes that were too cool to study or revise. They would laugh at you as you trudged by them towards the library yelling things like:

- Hah, you would go to the library huh nerd? Go read them books, I don’t need to study.

And when results were released, they would shrug off their bad results saying: “Hmph, I would’ve done just as well if I had studied.”

Right, it’s just an excuse. A crutch, a fall back, a cowardly citation.

***

I get it. We’re young, we only live once, that’s the motto right?

I’m young but I intend to live for a very long time. I’m only going to live once, so I want to do it right.

***

One last thing. It was my birthday a couple of days ago but I had been celebrating for most of the week. I’ve had a lot of laughs, received a lot of presents and spent a lot of time with some of the people I love most. I’m eternally grateful for all the time I get with my friends and family because time is the most important currency and I love to spend it on the people that matter.

Also, I’ve had a lot of cake. I’ve blown out the candles on four full sized cakes and some cupcakes…and I’m going to keep it real, I’ve wished for the same thing every single time. Yeah, it’s about a girl and er…I’m too afraid to say any more. However, I know it’s not going to work out, at least not for now. This isn’t the first time I’ve considered her, the same issues that occurred the first time around are still around during this second rendez vous.

We’re in different stages of our lives, we have different views and that’s fine for our friendship. However, I can’t, and I know she’s not ready to settle down and embrace moderation…she loves it.

Damn.

You know what else is crazy? There are a number of girls wondering if I’m referring to them.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Somewhere Out There

What’s up party people?

Somewhere out there 
Beneath the pale moonlight 
Someone’s thinking of me 
And loving me tonight

Somewhere out there 
Somone’s saying a prayer 
That we’ll find one another 
In that big somewhere out there

Warning; the following might be one of the most fraudulent pieces of writing you will ever witness in your life. I am going to attempt to write about something I’ve only experienced fleetingly a very, very long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I’m going to talk about the time I channeled the force whilst in my X-Wing and used it to blow up the Empire’s Death Star. Just kidding, though it may seem apparent to everyone that I am the hero from Star Wars, I am not.

I’m going to talk about something I’m even more unqualified to talk about. Relationships, relationships in a romantic sense. This is going to be more fraudulent than Nicki Minaj teaching you how to speak in a British accent, this is going to be more fraudulent than Seth Rogen teaching you how to not be Seth Rogen, this is going to be more fraudulent than Tiger Woods teaching a course on how to be faithful in relationships, this is going to be more fraudulent than Michael Jordan teaching you how to suck, this is going to be more fraudulent than mother f*cking Isaac writing about how relationships are great.

Ok, here’s my relationship resume:

***

Yep, those three asterix sum up my experience levels. I am a lot more qualified to write about rejection (because I’ve been on that end way too many times), how to NOT get girls (again, been there), and what size boobs are most ideal for any one man (don’t rule this out, the possibility of me writing that is 50/50).

In all seriousness, some of the best memories of my life occurred when I wasn’t a single man. Very few things in the world can rival the passion, romance, care and genuine emotion one encounters in a true relationship. Those were good times and I never look back in anger (Editor’s note: Shout out to Oasis). I know I may be the guy who remembers the date of his rejections (Editor’s note: He does not remember a single anniversary) but believe me when I say that I may not be the quintessential relationship guy…I am still the best writer in my household, so shut up and read.

1) Gifts

I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone yesterday. Asked her a very simple question:

Isaac: So what are some of the best things about being in a relationship?

Friend: Gifts…er…

I applaud her for her honesty (Editor’s note: She said some other stuff but meh). And it’s true, in a relationship there are so many instances where you or your significant other have the chance to express your love for each other via presents. Anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, 100/300 days together (if you’re Korean), Valentine’s Day etc etc. One of my ex girlfriends randomly bought me a t-shirt because she was wandering around the city and thought that I would like it. She was right, good times.

2) Regular Sex

Let me draw from Childish Gambino:

“I miss the sex when you kiss whenever you through, sixty nine is the only dinner for two.”

Look, I don’t care how many girls try to pretend, sex is mutually beneficial for both genders if done right. A lot of times, we go on weekend hoping to do the nasty with someone who feels the same way (even if it takes them three jager bombs to get to that point). When you’re in a relationship, you get to practice, improve your game and enjoy the results together. You learn what the other person likes, whether it’s a timing thing or a certain area (Editor’s note: This is highly edited, the first draft was so dirty that several maid services were called in an attempt to clean it up) you should work on.

I’m too afraid to write more in this section because the odds of me dropping a really heinous jizz joke are very high right now. Let’s move on.

3) Dates

Though I am well aware that there is a difference between being single and lonely, some don’t. That’s why some people jump into relationships, to fight that feeling of being isolated in this big bad world which boasts a population of about 7 billion people. I get it, sometimes it does suck being lonely, especially when your closest friends are hosting Couple Bash 2012 and you can’t go because the only way you can get a date is by ripping a page out of a calendar.

When you’re in a relationship, a trip to the movies, a picnic, a quick shopping day, relaxing session at home is a phone call/text message/Skype call/smoke signal away.

Single advocates are raising their eyebrows and going:

“Pshhh fraud, I can call a friend and we can do all those things too!”

And they’re right. However, your friends are awesome (so are you, but stop thinking about you for a second), if you can see that they’re awesome, the odds of someone else seeing them that way as well are high. And those people will want to see your friend naked, so the time they have to spend with you will eventually decrease, believe me, I found this out the hard way many times over the years,

And besides….having your girlfriend over to watch a movie is good times. Swag. Read into that however you want to.

Photoshop is cheaper than a girlfriend. Ok ok, no more cheap shots.

4) Life Sucks….sometimes

I love my life. As of right now, everything is going according to plan and I don’t really have anything to complain about. However, that isn’t always the case and getting a hold of a therapist to talk about my issues is expensive. I have a lot of internal conversations but talking to yourself is apparently a sign of insanity, so sometimes you really, really need someone else to converse with.

However, as I mentioned before, your friends aren’t ALWAYS available like they were back when your biggest problem in life was losing your red crayon. Sometimes, you need to call that set of boobs you call your own and have a conversation. Whether it’s about your manager being a prick, problems at home, financial difficulties (Editor’s note: Not recommended if your girlfriend is of Shanghainese descent) or maybe…you really are sad about losing your red crayon.

5) We’re all self conscious, I’m just the first to admit it.

That line is from a Kanye West song and it rings true for a lot of people even if they are afraid to admit it. I’m going to be honest, I’m very self conscious. I’ve been single for a very long time and there have been some dark times where I’ve doubted myself and whether I was capable of certain things.

You know what sucks about being single? Uncertainty. I know, very few things in life are certain but hear me out. When you’re single and in pursuit of someone, there are nothing but questions that go through your head:

- Does she like me?

- Am I doing this right?

- Am I wasting my time

- Am I good enough?

- Am I going to fail…again?

When you’re in a relationship, those questions are still in play but aren’t as severe. In my experience, I never doubted myself when in a relationship because…well, the girl already said yes. You already know that she likes you, you know that she’s committed, she’s buying you gifts, she calls you, you guys have great sex, you guys see each other often. That stuff that puts single people in a frenzy evaporated as soon as you guys sealed it with a kiss that magical first day.

And all that sh*ts on single people escapades.

In summary…knowing that someone else cares about you and acknowledges your level of awesomeness is pretty Godlike.

And I’m not the first to admit it.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

I remember being single

What’s up party people?

“You know we’re going to be together one day, we just have to sort through all of our messed up issues first, and you have a lot of girls to sleep with to get out of your system.” 

- I was going to bed last night, picture the latest Victoria’s Secret PJ’s and me provocatively slinking into the sheets, but it was way too hot to fall asleep straight away. So I decided to watch what I thought was going to be a nice coming of age film entitled The Art of Getting By (Editor’s note: Trailer HERE) starring Emma Roberts (Editor’s note: Also known as #6 on Isaac’s white girl to do list). Instead it turned out to be a movie about my life right down to the main protagonist having my bad haircut. Good times.

- And yes the movie involved a lot of discussion about the Friend Zone and how it’s pretty much like the zone Zod imprisoned Superman in.

- Note: For anyone trying to curb an energy drink addiction, black tea is not enough. I need a nicotine patch for caffeine/gurana/sugar.

- Shout out to Beyonce and Mr. Beyonce for the birth of their baby daughter. But Blue Ivy Carter? Really? Blue Ivy sounds like a strip club that charged triple digits for lap dances that don’t go on for that long. That’s not what I want to name my daughter (Isaac’s note: Sidebar, I intended to name my son Jordan for obvious reasons until my sister stole the name last minute). And yes, I also intend to release a rap song whenever my wife/girlfriend/one night stand gives birth (Editor’s note: Listen to Jay-Z’s HERE)

- As much as I’m looking forward to my birthday and my trip to New York, I’m just as excited for my month of nothing that starts as soon as I get back from the States. I haven’t had a good block of free time since I was rocking brown and blonde hair so I’m quite hyped. I mean…don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for a solid week, I’ll be so chilled that I’ll have stolen Ice Cube’s moniker.

- NEW YOOOOOOORK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF. THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN’T DOOOOOO

- I’m always wary of checking out girls during the school holidays. Not sure if they’re rocking babyfaces or if they are just babies.

Real talk.

Anywho, on to the next one:

Oh, you’re going to be very sad if you clicked on this link and wanted a flashback. I’m sorry but my cerebrum is on vacation so no memories, only poorly written essays on things I feel like writing about. So once again, I’d like to apologise, and er….yeah, hold dat sh*t.

So what will I be talking about today?

My areas of expertise are limited to Pokemon, basketball, cricket, Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3, bad romantic comedies, how to undo a bra with one hand (Editor’s note: Right), singing like T-Pain in the shower, Big 2, staying sober and honestly not much more…..I am obviously a top tier free agent. I’ve been single for a really long period so I’ve had a lot of time to become knowledgeable in all those fields…and there’s my topic.

Ladies & gentlemen, the staff here at Part Boast, Part Confession would like to present: The Benefits of Being Single.

Go.

Look, I realise we’re a lot older now. We should all be thinking, at least a little bit, about our futures. I’m always thinking about my savings, my first home purchase and career. However, what most of my female friends seem to be harping on are relationships, insisting I settle down before I balloon and lose my rugged good looks. My response: why? Why should I jeapordise my current situation and commit to someone I have no desire to commit to just for the sake of it? I’m more than willing to commit, but not to some random floozy just because I’ve been riding solo for a long time.

I’m the King of single people since George Clooney decided to start a relationship with Stacy Kiebler (Isaac’s note: Respect), so I’m going to write about how awesome it is.

1) Time after time after time after time

You know all those areas of expertise I mentioned earlier? Well, those skills are built upon during my down time. For the past few years, my down time has been really limited because I work very weird hours and university requires me to be awake more often than not. So whenever I get some time off, I like playing basketball, reading about cricket, duking it out over cards or video games. There is no way in Hell I’d be as good as I am at all of those things if I was in a serious relationship…sure I’d still do those things from time to time, but tending to the missus would obviously have priority over those things.

For anyone who’s ever seen Knocked Up, do you remember that scene when Paul Rudd’s wife finds him playing fantasy baseball with the guys and loses her sh*t? My girl would pretty much have diarroea cause there are a lot of things I like doing. Speaking of

2) I’m about my team, hoe.

I talk to my friends as much as I can. Not as much as I’d like to, but I make a point to call ‘em every now and then to see what’s going on in their lives. Due to the fact that my friends are all incredible and amazing, a lot of them have significant others. So I’ll call them, they’ll tell me that their relationships are steady, no drama. Then they’ll listen to me talk about my adventures for a solid hour.

Look, as a guy, life is a lot more….entertaining when you’re single. You’re not going to talk about the lovely couple’s spa day you had with the girlfriend at poker, but you are going to listen to your friend go into vivid detail about how he picked up a girl at a club who was playing hard to get. I think Andre 3000 said it best:

“N*ggas that are married don’t wanna go home but we look up to them, they wish they were us, they want some new trim, we lust for some trust.”

3) I’m doing me

And no, this isn’t about how great masturbation is.

It’s about how I can decide I want to hit up an arcade for a day without telling anyone. It’s about how I can spend a few hours shooting the rock at Strathfield Park. It’s about how I can download an entire season of Survivor and watch it all within two days whilst munching on Red Rock deli chips. When you’re single, your main priority in life is…yourself. I love me, I love taking care of me and making sure I’m happy. It’s easy, I don’t have to read too much into anything and I can never be too mad at yourself because come on…my doe eyes are hypnotic.

4) All I care about is Money…

Girlfriends are expensive. Especially if you have a habit of dating Shang women. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH ON BLAST.

(Editor’s note: He’s kidding. I assure you that he’s kidding, please don’t sue us).

5) Potential

….and I think this is one of the things single people enjoy most. You might meet someone at a grocery store, a library, a small house party, a taco stand, a Star Wars convention and start talking to them on a regular basis. Feelings might start developing, caterpillars you swallowed as a kid start becoming butterflies in your stomach (Editor’s note: Whoa. I’m not sure if that was brilliant or disgusting) and who knows where that might go?

The potential in everyday, every moment and in nearly everyone….that’s exciting. It’s like a permanent adrenaline rush.

You know that feeling you get when you hear that one of your favourite musicians is set to release a new album? The anticipation levels are high, you’re keen to listen to it as soon as possible and the speculation is rampant. Will it be awesome? Will it be better than the last? You hope that it leaks early just so you can enjoy it. That exists for every single prospect that falls on a single person’s radar, the excitement in the chase, the potential pay off, and maybe, just maybe…thinking about forever.

*****

In saying all that, I’m currently drafting a piece about why being in a relationship is awesome.

Swag.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Ain’t no way in Hell that I can be just friends with you

What’s up party people?

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Girl: We can be best friends!

I opened up Google Chrome today with a concept completely different to the one y’all are about to read (Editor’s note: Or close on because..it’s Isaac). Try not to laugh but I was going to have a go at writing a guide on relationship management. Then I realised that would be as fraudulent as Eminem writing a song about anger management or Kobe Bryant releasing a DVD on how to keep your teammates involved and decided to scrap the idea.

So…what the Hell am I supposed to talk about now?

What field am I so familiar with that I can impart wisdom on my readers? What zone do I understand with such clarity that it would be inhumane not to share?

Bingo, let’s go to the FRIEND ZONE.

****

Believe me when I say I know the territory quite well. I have so much real estate in various female friend zones that people call me freaking Donald Trump (Editor’s note: He hasn’t realised that they call him that because of his bad hair). I’ve been banished there so many times that I’d be eligible to fly around the world at least six times if the zone offered frequent flyer miles. However, there is a caveat…sometimes I have willingly put myself there, because let’s face it…I don’t REALLY want to get with every girl in the world.

I know a lot of great girls. Short girls ,tall girls, thin girls, chubby girls, smart girls, some not so smart girls,  yellow girls, white girls, somewhere in between girls, girls who can sing and dance, girls who yell and prance, girls who like tea, girls who hate Wednesdays, girls that only own push up bras, girls who forget that make up is what grants them powers, girls who are really just boys with lady parts, girls that love giving **** – (Editor’s note: FOR F*CKS’S SAKE STOP ,WE GET IT)!

So yeah, though sometimes I’m in a girl’s zone unwillingly…there are a lot more instances of me putting myself in there because I don’t want a romantic relationship with the girl in question.

The real question lies in why would I  do that?

Why would a straight, red blooded male willingly take himself out of the race for a decent female?

Well, though they’re not exactly friends with benefits like Mila Kunis…there are some benefits, such as:

1) Mixups

Look, I love my bros. My core group of guys are irreplacable, girls come and go but my bros will always be in my corner. That’s what’s up. In saying that, sometimes you just need a girl for certain situations, I mean I can’t really go and get a haircut with one of my bros and grab some ice cream later. I could, but it’s one of the least bromantic things one can do unless y’all are shaving your heads together and buying vanilla ice cream at Woolworths afterwards. Some situations require a female present, and for a single guy like myself, I don’t have that wifey to call upon when I want to get a haircut similar to one of the guys in Big Bang.

Side bar: When you’re accompanied by them, they’re your friends, not prospects. You can be yourself,  and you can even put chivalry on the backburner if you wish. That means that she can pay for her own ice cream. You know what it is.

2) Translators

Story time. Two of my friends really like each other and they’re sort of in the pending zone. So late last year, she called him up to confront him and to talk about where they stood. Afterwards, she called me:

Isaac: So how’d it go?

S: He said he likes me. What does that mean?

Isaac: Reread what you just said to me dummy

I’m not very fluent in Dickhead, but I know enough. I’m horrible at bitch talk and definitely need a phrase book for thattimeofthemonth-anese so having a friend that’s fluent in both definitely comes in handy from time to time.

3) Boobs

Boobs are great.

Doesn't seem that bad

4) Assistance

You know who the best wingman I ever had was? My second (and best) girlfriend (Editor’s note: She’s the star of THIS story). Nothing attracts girls like other girls, I have no idea why this is but I’m not going to complain. It’s almost like girls seek the approval of other girls, if you have absolutely no vagina on your friends list…then other girls will automatically stick a post it note on your forehead that denies you access to fanny.

That’s life son.

5) More Ass-istance (Editor’s note: Sigh…we see what you did there)

Look, if you’re friends with a girl who banished you to the friend zone, she might feel guilty. Some don’t, because it’s well within their rights who they choose to commit to and they are exactly right. However, some feel bad for hurting you and denying you and they’ll do everything in their power to get you in that ass…well, somebody else’s ass. Strategies, analysis, high level technology that some dudes don’t have access to.

Poor example coming…I like to troll. A lot. And I have one girl who I hit on pretty much all the time but we’re both well aware that we I am by no means serious. However, I use the moves, use the swag, use the lines just to gauge their effectiveness. Obviously there are very few moves that will work universally, but hey, practice makes perfect right?

*****

I know I’ve just spent close to a thousand works talking about how the friend zone isn’t that bad of a place…but it’s not for everyone. Sometimes it’s painful, especially if you’re in the zone of a girl where your feelings are buried in a very shallow grave. The feeling you get when she starts talking about another guy…man, it’s a mixture of the utmost sadness, failure and a very weird happiness.

Oh by the way, you can get out of it. The friend zone is not a life sentence, it’s negotiable. People change, emotions change and you can always help each other change out of their outfits.

And yeah, I’m selling my three bedroom condo right now. Swag.

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

Thinking About Forever

What’s up party people?

“Not gonna lie, I’ve been thinking about it. A lot.”

- THIS song perfectly illustrates where I have been emotionally since the calendar started to read 2012.

- A little while ago, a friend of mine asked me where I’d like to go if I had a week off. She was expecting me to say New York, or Tokyo or somewhere exotic where I could explore and learn about a culture I had never encountered before. My response? I told her I’d check my ass into a Hotel room and switch my phone off, I just really need an extended period of time away from it all. A week would be bliss…maybe camp in front of the TV with a packet of Honey Baked Ham Kettles chips with the cricket playing….that sounds wonderful.

- Poor, poor Kris Humphries. Gets dumped by Kim Kardashian after 72 days of marriage and is now the most hated player in the NBA. But as Charles Barkley said: “Some mistakes are worth making.” Am I right, or am I right?

- I don’t want to jinx it, but my immune system has been more resilient than the Writer’s Guild of American a few years ago. I’ve been due for a bout of serious illness for a while now and it just hasn’t surfaced. Swag.

- THIS should resonate with anyone who’s ever played basketball with a parent (Editor’s note: Isaac’s mother claims to have been one of the best female basketball players in China during her time in high school, even though she shoots the ball like someone trying to throw an iron against a brick wall).

- One of my female friends said that Die Hard 4 was her favourite movie of all time. Yes, Die Hard 4. The one featuring OLD Bruce Willis, Maggie Q and Justin Long. Not a bad movie per se, but er…is it in your top five? (Isaac’s note: My Top 5 of all time consists of The Matrix, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, 500 Days of Summer, Up in the Air and The Dark Knight). For the record, I thought it was a pretty good movie…but top 5 of all time?

This is an experiment, I'm guessing this post will get at least three times as many boobs because there are views in this post. Wait what?

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Hunger ’04

Isaac: Nah, I’m not that hungry

It was lunch time at Kingsgrove North High School. Even though it was very hot, rowdy kids ran around the playground yelling profanities, laughing ecstatically and enjoying their down time. Older kids sat around talking, some opting to play cards. A group of young Asian kids played handball at a furious pace usually reserved for Formula one racing.

Thirteen year old Isaac stood next to his buddy in line at the canteen and waited for him to grab his food. Instead of opting for a meal, Isaac popped a dollar coin into the Pepsi vending machine and immediately cracked open the ice cold can of sugary goodness. Isaac hadn’t eaten all day but he felt strangely full. Shrugging, the duo headed back towards the handball courts to resume their daily war.

****

“Where the Hell are the buses?”

A large group of year eight students stood at the bus stop getting increasingly frustrated. The school day had been over for at least twenty minutes and there was no bus to take them home. Murmurs of walking back home (most of us lived in Campsie, which was a good forty – forty five minute walk away) began surfacing, but no one wanted to be the guy who suggested walking only to have a bus zoom by them as they made the trek.

Eventually, they began to walk as one. There was bright conversation at first as the group felt as if they were making a monumental move, Hell, they didn’t need no bus to take them home. The best mode of transportation was their legs right? However, the fatigue, dehydration and thirst started to kick in. Isaac, the stupid kid who hadn’t eaten all day, fell silent halfway through the journey.

It was going to be a long ass walk.

****

An hour later, thirteen year old Isaac dragged his fat ass through the door of his home. His grandmother noticed his entrance and asked him if he was hungry.

Isaac: Can you make me four bacon & egg sandwiches please?

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

We threw a party, yeah we threw a party

What’s up party people?

“You don’t have to wait until the year changes to be awesome. You’ve got the power to change anything, anytime bro.”

- Warning; this post could potentially contain at least 2012 bad new year jokes. You can’t really blame me, I haven’t written all year dudes and douchettes.

- You guys have heard of the age old adage about how the way you spend your new year’s eve is an indicator of the year ahead right? Well, if that is true, then I’m set for an amazing 2012 featuring gambling into the wee hours of the morning, drinking a lot of energy drinks, watching old movies, dominating in video games and spending time with the ladies. Hey, sounds like the story of my life, I’m excited for this upcoming season.

- Some of my favourite posts from last year: Stuff Asian People Like, More Stuff Asian People Like, Why I Suck With Girls, My Hollywood To-Do List (I would like to add Anna Kendrick & Alison Brie to that list), Why certain girls in my past are in my past and my absolute favourite one being the one where I put pretty much every girl who has ever turned down a guy on blast.

- THIS article sums up what I do every night before I sleep. And no, it’s not the activity that just went through your head that involves the internet and a box of 2ply tissues.

- I still can’t watch anything that involves Zooey Deschanel. I get too angry, even though I am well aware that her character in (500) Days of Summer was well within her right to do everything she did, I’m still salty. I can’t watch the New Girl, I can’t rewatch Elf, I can’t do it. However, when someone linked me to THIS…I couldn’t help but watch it three times in a row.

- The Miami Heat are going to win the 2012/13 NBA championship. Just sayin’

- Isaac A****** L** is going to win your heart this year. Just sayin’

Maybe I should have opted for something a little happier to start the year....Nahhhh

Anywho, on to the next one:

The Party ’11

The sun shone brightly upon the unkempt grass located in the backyard of a grey (sometimes violet) house. Inside the family home was an unconscious twenty year old Isaac, who was taking a nap in preparation of the events that would unfold in the night. It was New Year’s Eve, and for once, he was looking forward to the festivities. However, there were still a couple of obstacles in place. Actually, a couple was the ONLY obstacle in place.

His parents.

***

Isaac: Hey Ma…are you guys going out tonight?

Isaac opened the fridge as he posed that question to his mother who was standing over the sink. He saw her frown slightly as if pondering the question. Keep in mind, Isaac never asked questions of that nature because there was never any need to. His mother went out pretty much every night, her social life resembled a seventeen year old who had just completed their HSC.

Mother: No…why?

Isaac: Well, I’m hosting a little get together…and it’d be cool if I had the house to myself

Mother: Girlfriend coming over?

Isaac went quiet. He knew his mother didn’t want him to date til after he graduated, she figured that girls were a distraction (Editor’s note: Amen Ma)

Isaac: Nope, no girlfriend…go out ok?

Mother: I’ll think about it

***

Isaac: Hey Pa…are you going out tonight?

Father: Er probably not…why?

Isaac casually strode into the living room, bottle of water in hand, as his father watched Chinese television. It was rare that Isaac saw his father as he worked somewhere far away, he only ever returned home one day of the week..and it happened to be the one day in which Isaac would have preferred the house to be empty.

Isaac: Well, I’m hosting a little get together…and it’d be cool if I had the house to myself

Father: Girlfriend coming over?

His father’s view on things were quite different from his mother’s. Isaac’s dad was well aware that having a girlfriend could settle a man and calm him down. It allows one to focus on things that are actually important as opposed to getting involved in single person activities that have gotten many men in trouble over the course of time.

Isaac: Yep, the girlfriend…go out ok?

Father: I’ll think about it

Nodding, Isaac walked out of the living room.

There was still one person he had to talk to.

***

Isaac: Can you get them out of the house?

Silence on the other end of the line.

Sister: Alright, I can bring them over to play mahjong. Why do you need the house empty anyway?

Isaac: Just having a little get together, nothing major.

Sister: Ok, I’ll get them fools out the house (Editor’s note: Isaac’s sister actually talks like that. Picture a Maori female version of Isaac and that’s his sister).

****

Mother: Your sister invited us to mahjong so we’ll be leaving the house soon.

Isaac: Cool, have fun.

Grinning, Isaac went up the stairs to his room intending to clean it up a little for his guests. As he ascended, he heard the doorbell ring.

Old family friends had arrived to visit.

Isaac: Oh sh*t

Until next time folks! Stay classy!

I wish she stopped checking up on women I cant stand, ’cause I got new girls I could use her opinion on

What’s up party people?

“I know how you feel about me deep down inside. I feel the same way…about myself.”

I know, I know. It’s been a while since I’ve swung by and delivered some literary magic. The same magic that can either cause you to cry, smile, laugh hysterically and cringe. The same magic that can only be conjured by a spell caster with  a horrible haircut and so many chips on his shoulder that one of his friends has started calling him Pringles (Editor’s note:  Though it is true that someone calls him Pringles, it’s more due to the fact that he once ate four cans in a week).

So…what enchantment have I got for y’all today?

I promised an end of year review, and since I rarely ever break promises, an end of year review you shall get (!)

Ten moments you’ll remember from this year:

(Editor’s note: Links included for elaboration, clarification and information. Swag).

10. The Conversation

9. The Statistics Exam

8. The Realtor

7. The Eminem Concert

6. The Google Search

5. The Rubbish Bins

4. The Movie Star (Editor’s note: Links HERE & HERE)

3. The Gum

2. The Swag

1. The Show

Nine quotes/phrases from this past calendar year

9. Dude, doing honours is like wearing a push up bra. We’re just trying to pad up our resumes.

8.  “You look like my first wife. And nope, I’ve never been married.”

7.  “Sticks and stones might break my bones….but I’m about to get in that ass”

6. It really f*cked me up…I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I haven’t done ANYTHING since it all happened. Sure, I went out once with ****..and I talked about going for *****, but that’s all I did. Talk about it….I haven’t done jack since….well, until last Thursday

6. Man…its been a really long time hasn’t it?

5. I want to put my degree to use. I want to know that the skills and knowledge I’ve acquired over the past three years won’t go to waste.

4. A: I’m going to be her legal representative. So if you guys ever get married, I’d make sure she got everything.

Isaac: If she & I ever got married, I’d already have given her everything.

3. “If you win or lose on a lottery, you can simply feel lucky to win or feel disappointed with your loss. You don’t bare any responsibly in the outcome. But in a game, no matter what happens, win or lose, I am responsible for the result. So if I win after all the hard work, I validate all my efforts leading up to the tournament. And if I lose, I accept my loss recognizing that I have to work even harder. Nothing and nobody but myself is accountable for the result. Knowing that may leave no room for me to emotionally react to a loss.”

2. “My life became a lot better when I started looking at it as more of a comedy as opposed to a drama.”

1. HOLD DAT (!)

Hold dat? I'd like to hold those HEY-YO!

Eight people you’re glad to have as part of your life

(Fcuk, I need more than eight)

8. Noobcake

7. Mochi

6. Hazel

5. Roxy

4. Benji/Joel Madden

3. 24

2. Blob

1. Mum

Seven songs in your 2011 playlist

7. Love Alone – Jackie Boyz & Matthew Kurz

6. Lost Ones – J.Cole

5. Club Paradise – Drake

4. Wicked Games – The Weeknd

3. Far Away – Tyga (ft Chris Richardson)

2. Marvin’s Room – Drake

1. Valentine – Jessie Ware & Sampha

Six favourite movies of the year

6. Crazy, Stupid, Love

5. Ides of March

4. Captain America

3. X-Men: First Class

2. Lion King 3D

1. 50/50 (I know, I’m cheating. But it came out in America this year so it counts to me)

Five Kodak Moments

5. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150432359583036&set=a.10150432354118036.365164.688493035&type=3&theater

4. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150439623888036&set=t.688493035&type=3

3. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150372533358036&set=t.688493035&type=3

2. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150098775753036&set=t.688493035&type=3

1. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150511177800278&set=t.688493035&type=3

Four places you have spent the most time at

4.Strathfield Park

3. UNSW Library

2. The Ritz

1. Bedroom

Three things that constantly crossed your mind

3. “Damn.”

2. “Not long to go now.”

1.  ”Soon.”

Two things you hope to achieve next year

2. Get my foot in that ass.

1. Vengeance.

One sentence to sum up the year you’ve had

Just like last year, one sentence doesn’t even come close to summing up the year I’ve had.

It’s no secret that I didn’t particularly enjoy last year. I liken it to an underwhelming sequel (2K9 is still considered the best year of my life) where not all the original cast returned, phoned in their performances and some of the storylines from the first didn’t end the way the audience wanted it to. This year?

Well…on paper it’s been really good:

- I finished my Bachelors degree in three years, no hiccups

- I put my plans for the future in motion

- Added to my strong foundation of friends

- Peaced out the bitches that weren’t worth my time (Hold dat sh*t)

There have been many adventures, many new people added to the supporting cast…and yet, I feel like it’s a massive precursor. I have a feeling in my boner (Editor’s note: I think he got the expression wrong) that next year is going to be ridiculously crazy.

Perhaps the end of the world approaches.

Or a new one about to surface.

(Isaac’s note: OOOOOOOH WHO ELSE FELT THOSE CHILLS?)

Until next year folks! Stay classy!